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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Facing abuser, I guess? - May 8th 2010, 08:33 PM

Okay, so for the past month I have been toying with the idea of going down to the police or whatever and filing a report. I want to face my abuser and I want the world to know what they did. I just want to speak up. I want it to be known what they did to me.

I doubt that I would win because there would be things that I couldn't tell the police. Things like whether or not my abusers had any distinguishing marks or anything. But, winning isn't the point. I want to confront them and I want them to go through some 'humiliation' in a sense. I want them to realize that they didn't conquer me and I want them to know that no matter what I am going to be okay and I have over come what they have done to me. And, more importantly I want to one day tell them that I, no matter how pissed off I am at them, I can and will forgive them for myself.

Going to court is also something I want to do because if, which I think they might have, there were other victims or still are victims, I want them to have a voice.

Even if I don't win the case, which I might not, probably won't. I want to give voice to what they did and fight them again. You know?

I remember everything I am going to as of now. I remember a lot. I don't know what times or days or how many different occurrences there were but from my memory there were at least five. Probably more.

Anyway, it isn't about winning, it really isn't. I think because of the fact that 1) It took me so long to remember everything. 2) Because there are still things that I don't know completely, like I don't know how old I was exactly, although I suspect I was 4-6 when it really took place 3) because I won't be able to say, yes they had/have a distinguishing mark. 4) Basically just the fact that I don't have full 'memory' of it in the sense that it is not clear. But it is something I think I need to do for me just so that I can heal. I can really stand up to them and say 'fuck you'.

But, the reason I am posting this is 1) to ask what you guys think 2) if anyone has ever fought their abusers in court what it was like 3) if anyone fought their abusers in court years after it happened what it was like.

I am going to talk to my therapist about it. And I know my dad would support me. As well as the rest of my family and some of my friends. So that isn't the issue.

I guess I just wanted to hear what all my 'supporters' on here think? Deep down I know it is something I need to do (I only have a year from the time I remember to press charges and I remembered in November) I mean, I had a flash of someone taking pictures in March but I didn't know who the perpetrators were until November. I am scared shitless of doing it, of course, and I know it could get ugly but I need to do this to show them how strong I am and show them that they could not beat me.

Even if I lose I will scare the shit out of them and I will take back the control.


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Re: Facing abuser, I guess? - May 10th 2010, 04:45 AM

Hey Jenna,

I could have sworn that in the U.S, I don't remember where you live xD, that you can press charges years after it happens, years after you remember.

Anyway, I can only answer the first one, since I never have and never will press charges. I think you should do what you feel is right. If you think this will be good for you, that it will give you some closure and help you move on from it, then go ahead and do it. But if you have the slightest doubt, if you think it might pull you back down, then you might want to rethink this, and talk to your therapist. Pressing charges is emotionally draining, and you will be asked all kinds of questions, it will no doubt be painful. But if you are up for it, go for it.


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Re: Facing abuser, I guess? - May 14th 2010, 10:54 PM

You seem pretty ready to do this. When I was abused I reported him to the police three years later. This probably wont be what happens to you. But, I didnt even know his name so nobody was arrested nobody else was protected from him. However good did come out of it. I took back the power and control that he stole from me. I felt the control that I had lost all those years ago. So even if you dont want to go to court just going to the police can be a HUGE step in your recovery. Good luck!
   
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Re: Facing abuser, I guess? - May 21st 2010, 01:52 PM

Hi Jenna,

I strongly encourage you to do this. I have taken my attackers to court and won, recently.

I found it hard and embarassing when the crown showed the hospital photos and read my statements describing each attack and what they did to me and what they forced me to do, to the jury. I had my mum and dad with me. Also brought a book, ipod, and laptop for diverstion.

BUT..... it felt so good when I had to identify them to the court. When I was asked "Are the individuals that attacked you in this room?" I looked straight into thier eyes and pointed to each and said "Yes, there and there" Mentaly I said " Fuck you !" It was the the first true step towards closure. When they were found guilty, I felt good. Even if I didn't win I would have felt good because they would have had the stigma of gang raping a 11 to 12 year old.

It was a year after the first attack that I reported them and the court included that in the charges. So I am sure you would not have any problem. I also didn't have complete memory of each attack either, but they still worked with what I provided.

So I guess in short, go do it, it is hard because you are revisiting that horrible experience but it is worth it. And it really does help to get you past this and move on. Like what Laura said, I felt I had regained control of my life they took from me.

Please pm me if you like. Please feel free to talk to me about anything.




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Last edited by lostandalone; May 21st 2010 at 01:59 PM. Reason: forgot to add that I regained control of my life
   
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