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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Unhappy Getting over it - May 12th 2010, 05:07 PM

I am very blunt, I was in a EMOTIONALLY! abusive relationship that involved him controlling every aspect of my life like my appearance, my ideas, my sexuality, who I hanged out, my education, calling me to ask who I am with/what I am doing, what I wore, he was jealous, forcing me to do 'things' during my menstrual cycle, lieing to me. There is more that affected me emotional but I think you get the idea.

It's over now, I am with my girlfriend and I am living for once but I don't think I can't get over it. Not like I still like him, but like I say sorry to things that are not my fault, I stopped talking when I feel like I am rambling, I can't make friend's because I am scared they are just like him or my g/f does not want me talking to them when she does not care who I talk to, and I ask about my looks and that if she approves of my looks when she says I can wear or do anything and she will still love me but I will ask any way.

It seems like he is winning even when he is no longer in my life, and he just brain washed me. How could I just keep on living? I try to ignore my tendencies, but they just keepp coming back please help me.
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Re: Getting over it - May 12th 2010, 06:08 PM

he sounds like a not-so-good guy to me, and it sounds to me like you still have some moving on to do. Have you talked to your girlfriend about this?


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Re: Getting over it - May 12th 2010, 07:39 PM

Yes I have told her about it, and I still have the same psychological tendencies as before and its like I don't know the first steps to getting away from his forceful habits.
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Re: Getting over it - May 13th 2010, 07:31 AM

Being in a relationship like that damages your self-esteem so much. Physical abuse is bad, but emotional abuse is just horrible. You have taken an amazing first step by getting out of that relationship. That is honestly the hardest part, getting out and staying out.

The recovery just takes time. Talking to a counsellor would probably help, and I would recommend that, but mostly it's just time. You've pointed out a lot of old habits of yours that you still do, but you should focus on the things that you have managed to change. You are in a new relationship, that's great. And I'm sure there are plenty of other things that you do differently now. Over time, you won't apologise as much, you'll feel more confident in yourself. The fact that you seem to have a lovely girlfriend who supports you will probably help you recover faster.

What you need to remember though is that there isn't anything wrong with you. Feeling bad about doing these things is still letting him win in a way. He made you feel like this, you shouldn't feel bad for still doing some things that you were forced to do for the entire length of your relationship. It can be hard to change when our self-esteem is damaged that badly by someone else. But you've made an excellent start, and you should be proud of yourself for that.



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Re: Getting over it - May 13th 2010, 01:57 PM

thank you for the great advice, I will probably not take your advice on the conciler though. I do not want my family finding out about me dealing with a emotionally abusive relationship but I work on the rest with myself.
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Re: Getting over it - May 14th 2010, 01:39 AM

It takes time to break out of the old habits, especially if you were terrified into the old habits. The best way to get over it, is to take it day by day. Start simple. Pick out an outfit that you like, and tell yourself over and over again that it's okay to wear what you like, and just go from there. Tell yourself that it's okay to do these things, but take it one day at a time.

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Re: Getting over it - May 15th 2010, 10:18 PM

alright thank you I actually did do that on the last day of the semester and I felt good about it so thank you!
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Re: Getting over it - May 18th 2010, 02:55 PM

Hey there,

I am sorry that you had to go through all of that. You did not deserve it and with time you will heal. I know that you want to heal now but sometimes it takes a little longer than we really want.

Here is the thing, I still say sorry for things that I have absolutely no reason too but I am a little more aware of it and I work on doing it less and less. I still have issues with my appearance due to the abuse I suffered but I am slowly working on that. The process of healing is slow and can be annoying sometimes but you will heal.

The best advice I can give is to just talk about it. Let people in on what you are struggling with. When you realize that you are asking what to wear or saying sorry, stop yourself as best as you can. The more self awareness you have the better.

This new relationship sounds like a good one. So just try to appreciate that. Your girlfriend sounds like she is really understanding and really cares about you so hold onto that. You deserve the love and understanding that she is giving you.

I hope this helped and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

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Re: Getting over it - May 21st 2010, 05:46 PM

thank u that is really nice, but I am doing my best with the idea of not being controlled.
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