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Rant? - May 17th 2010, 06:42 PM

Okay, this is probably more of a rant than anything else. I just need to vent.

Thursday my best friend and I were talking and chilling and he was a little on the buzzed side. Well, he goes 'can I poke you' and he put his finger out and poked my arm. I jumped and he said 'You always jump when I touch you. I am going to break you of that.' He wasn't being mean, he was actually being nice and concerned and making an observation and my feelings were not hurt I was just hurt by the fact that I still have difficulty having people touch me. People I like and am comfortable with even.

(My friend knows that I was molested so I know he is a little easier with me when it comes to touching and he understands. I think that is why he ended up making the observation out load.)

Until my friend mentioned that I jump I hadn't even realized it. I thought I had gotten over it.

When my friend brought this up here is what flashed through my mind and has been replaying over and over. "If you can't let someone you have known and come to trust for 7 months how in the fuck are you going to go on a date? Have a relationship? Kiss someone?"

That is the thing. If I get into a relationship touching is involved and that is fine to an extent but I can't help it that I jump. It is involuntary. I think it might hurt my best friends feelings when I do it (which is kind of the impression I got when he said what he said because he understood but he didn't know why I wasn't more comfortable by now) so I keep imagining what it would do to someone that I am involved with romantically.

I know I am going to have to find someone that is understanding and what not but my issues will take a toll. I can't handle touch, the thought of sex, while somewhat stimulating, scares the fuck out of me. Having someone see me naked scares me. Having someone see me without long sleeves and jeans scares me (like night shirt) what guy would want to put up with that.

I have nothing to offer someone in a relationship and it all stems back to my molestation.

Does it ever go away? The feelings of fear? The feelings of guilt? The jumpiness? The feeling of anxiety when you know that you want to give someone a hug and touch them?

I Fucking hate my molesters. They have taken so much from me. I want to be able to show my friends that I care. I want to be able to touch people. You know, I have issues connecting with my 4 year old nephew because he is male? What if I have a son and the same thing happens? I don't want to be like this forever. I am always afraid to be around other little kids because it is too much. I get it into my head that because I was molested other people are going to think I am going to molest their own kids (which I would never do, of course).

I am tired of all of it. Last night I got overwhelmingly scared. I thought that my attackers were following me. I thought they were outside my house. Then I kept thinking, if I press charges they are going to find out where I live and stalk me. I have no clue if they would do that.

I am always fucking afraid of seeing them in public, which I have yet to.

I am soooo fucking angry at them. I hate them for what they did. They took so much from me and I can't get it back. I hate them so much but hating them isn't going to do anything. Sometimes I think about egging their house or toilet papering it. But what would that do? I want to put my anger to use and press charges (nothing will probably happen, the police probably won't press charges) but at least I will have spoken up. But I am terrified to do it.

I am scared shitless that no guy is going to want to put up with me. Maybe I am pretty, maybe I have a good heart etc but I have so much baggage. People like to touch, I do too but my body doesn't like it.

I don't want to get with someone and not be able to touch them. Like, on a first date or something people touch, I guess, I don't know. Maybe hold hands but the thought of holding hands churns my stomach. It sounds exciting but it also scares the hell out of me.

On a first date someone is going to try to touch my hand or back or arm and I am going to jump and they are not going to understand and they are going to decide I am not worth it. MAYBE I AM NOT.

I just don't know. I want to be able to touch and I have gotten better but it is still hard. I want it but I jump. I let it happen. I give out hugs and what not but I still get sick with anticipation.

It hurts so much. I want to be normal. I don't want to jump every time someone touches me unexpectedly. I just am tired of it.

And, I don't know if it ever will go away. Who would want to put up with that shit????? I am worthless. I have nothing to offer a guy. NOTHING. Who would want me...

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Re: Rant? - May 17th 2010, 06:56 PM

Hey there,
I have had a similar experience. I was raped when I was 14, rather violently. I am 20 years old now and I am still kind of uncomfortable with people touching me. My boyfriend really helped me a lot. He fell in love with me, and took it slow. He was always really gentle and eventually I learned to trust him. Now its getting better. I can touch people sparingly and not be as bothered. I think its something that comes with time, and practice, and patience. Someone will want you, and when they do fall in love with you they will go slowly, and be gentle, and take things slow so that you will learn to physically trust them as well as emotionally. Please do not feel broken or damaged. Everyone heals at their own pace, and everyone needs the support of the people they love to do that. The feelings of fear and guilt diminish over time. PM me anytime.
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Re: Rant? - May 18th 2010, 01:23 AM

I am exactly the same way. As I read your thread I felt as if I had written it myself. Something that I tried to help me with the jumpiness is I asked a few people I was very close with (who knew about my rape) to touch me randomly. Nothing inappropriate, maybe just a pat on the head or a random hug. I especially dont like my shoulders touched; It sometimes causes flashbacks(it took a while for me to work up to having my shoulders touched). This little "exersize" was really hard and scary and honestly I broke down a lot, I had a lot of flashbacks. But now when people i am close with touch me I dont jump quite as much. I am a little more comfortable with hugs, and when people accidentally touch my shoulders I just kindly tell them "I don't like my shoulders touched". As for relationships I still have difficulty. The last time I had sex after my rape(also the 1st time after) was horrible I just cried and cried afterwards. The guy after a little bit of explanation said he understood and he wanted to be supportive, he said he would stay with me. I ended up breaking it off, but he was very kind. I think that it takes practice you need to be touched and touch other people. I doubt that my jumpiness or yours will ever truly go away but with practice you can make it Lessen. If you need anything PM me. Oh and remember You are NOT worthless. and even though I dont know you Im sure you have a million things to offer to any guy you meet.
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Re: Rant? - May 18th 2010, 02:49 PM

Thank you. It really helps to just know there are people out there who can kind of relate to me. I guess it just gets hard seeing/knowing all my struggles and knowing that people are not always going to be understanding. I am just tired of having all of this effect me so damn much. I am just ready for it to be better already. I think that might be one of the biggest things I am struggling with; the fact that it is not something that just goes away. It didn't take a day for me to get this bad off so it shouldn't take a day for it to go away.

I guess I am just at a point where I want to keep growing and I want to be done with all of this but it is going to take my body and mind a little while longer to get in sync of whatever.

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