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Is it really all my fault? - May 19th 2010, 12:27 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Ok ... so ... I have had some experiences and I'm sure that they are my fault. Someone tell me I'm wrong!

I was out with a group from work (someone's leaving do or something like that) and my supervisor tied to drag me down an ally ... Everyone who was there that night told me not to say anything. The next day I had to work with him and my manager noticed that something was up and he eventually got it out of me. He had a really strong word about it with him and I got an apology. My manager even told me that he'd be behind me if I wanted to go the police about it.
Here's the thing, I told my mum about it and so her reply was "well your clothes are quite slutty!" I was in my work uniform, since I had just gone down straight from work! I never did report it ... or talk about it again really.

What if its an ex? I mean, my ex tried it on with me earlier today (we broke up over the weekend) but we have things to sort out, monies and whatnot! But even when I said no, he kept pushing! He didn't actually do anything though ... just kindda got my clothes off! But I keep thinking ... What if I hadn't have gone over? Is it still my fault? Probably will never talk about it again

Someone else also didn't take no a few years ago (not a boyfriend or anything) but actually penetrated me! But even if I put myself in that situation ...?? Never mentioned it!

Oh god this is so fudging confusing!

So much for that idea ...

Want a chat? Get in touch ...
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Re: Is it really all my fault? - May 19th 2010, 08:02 AM

Well first of all NONE of what has happened to you is your fault at all! It makes no difference if you put yourself in the situation (as in you went to his house), what clothes your wearing or if you haven't spoken about it to anyone! You need to try and stop thinking about the ifs & buts because all you are doing thinking like that is putting it in your mind that all this was caused because of you...which is so far from the truth! The only people who are to blame and that have done anything wrong are the people who have taken advantage of the situation and not respected your wishes even if it is an ex there is NO reason he should just assume you would want to do anything with him.

May be you could try talking to someone about it, a close friend or may be even a counsellor?

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Re: Is it really all my fault? - May 19th 2010, 01:25 PM

The First thing you have to know is it's NOT your fault and NEVER will be. You have done nothing wrong, yes you were in those situations but you trusted the people around you not to hurt you. The first incident with the work colleguge everyone goes out with people from work, yet everyone trusts there work collegues, you were in your uniform, it could never be your fault you were wearing something that you were expected to wear. SO no way was is your fault.
No means No, and you said it you were abused by some one you used to be close to, it's not fair and it's deffinatly not your fault, it's 100% his fault.
It's never to late to report things to the police, have you ever throught about talking to a councellor, or a trusted adult about how you feel ?

Take care

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Re: Is it really all my fault? - May 19th 2010, 06:49 PM

Hey there,

Firstly, you have to realize that it is not your fault. No matter what none of it was your fault. If you had been naked or dancing around in a skirt and bra it doesn't matter because people have the right to dress the way they want and still be respected. That is what you need to try and understand. Most of the times things like this have to do with people not respecting us and wanting power.

I bet if you had been wearing pants and a t-shirt that wasn't low cut or anything your manager would have tried something, same with the others. People try to pinpoint reasons why it happened because it is so much easier to blame people and subsequently have an answer as to why this type of crap happens instead of having to go through life wondering why bad things happen etc. People like to have answers to unanswerable questions sometimes.

Please hang in there and know that one day you will find people who will respect you.

If you need anything feel free to pm me.


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Re: Is it really all my fault? - May 19th 2010, 11:59 PM

None of it is your fault. When someone hurts you, or tries to do something to you against your will, it is not your fault. It doesn't matter what you wear or say, or if you were flirting or dating them, no means no. You really should try to talk to someone, maybe to someone who is not your mom. It is not your fault, and maybe talk to your manager again, if you think your manager might be able to help you.

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Re: Is it really all my fault? - May 22nd 2010, 11:49 PM

Thanks for all the advice guys!

Cas, I would , but I left that job a short while after that, too many of the males were getting whiff of the fact that I'm such a flirt and were trying it on me too much. And no, even they didn't take no plus the manager got fired anyway ... so ... yeah ...

what is it with these people?!?

I'm in therapy atm for so many other things this on top of it ... I wouldn't want them to think that I'm taking the mick or anything ... I can't talk about it openly ... I don't know if I'll ever get over it

So much for that idea ...

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Re: Is it really all my fault? - May 28th 2010, 08:20 AM

As the others have said it is NOT your fault. If you set clear boundary lines and made it known that you didn't want any of that it is their OBLIGATION to stop. If you seemed like you didn't want those actions done towards you they should have sensed it. Men should not make advances like this and continue if the woman is not wanting that. You should tell your therapist about this maybe and I would take your manager up on getting police involved. If he tried to attack you that is sexual abuse/harassment and he could be doing that to others as well. Is there any co-worker you feel comfortable with to discuss the situation maybe give you advice? You have just run into a lot of bad luck with these people, but things will get better. Stay strong and remember that you are not the one at fault here.

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