Am I that transparent?

[Ella.x]

I was talking to the guy I'm seeing at the moment the other day about the fact that I tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago and my self harm and basically everything. I have never told him that I was abused in the past, but he knew. He doesn't know the specifics, but he figured out that I was abused by a family member when I was young (he guessed between 6-9 and it happened when I was 9). I always thought I was good at hiding it. I've hidden so much from people for so long that I never thought anyone would see through the facade that I put up.

I feel so stupid that something that only happened once as far as I can remember has affected me so much. I even thought I was coping with it well until he told me that he could see straight through me. I wish I had never stayed up late with my brother that night. I wish I had've said no. Since I've gotten older, I've been so self destructive - I've stayed in emotionally abusive relationships, I've cut myself, burnt myself, banged my head against walls, starved myself, overeaten, smoked, drank, done drugs, ruined every good oppurtunity I've been given (uni, jobs etc), refused to allow myself to make friends... It's like since that tiny thing happened, I can't let myself grow up and get away from it. I can't let myself be happy. I know the logical thing to do is talk to my counsellor of a friend about all of this, but I don't even know where to start. I can't even physically say the words "my brother made me give him oral sex". I can barely even type it. I want to forget. I put up walls so that people can't hurt me again. I can't talk about my emotions. I can say things that I do, but not how I feel - like I can tell my counsellor that I've been worse than usual and been cutting myself, but I can't tell her that it feel like my whole world is falling apart, that I'm terrfied of my own mind, that every morning I wake up and want to kill myself. I can't do it. I don't know how to let people in.

I feel so vulnerable. I want to tell him what happened. I know I can trust him, hell, he's the only person I've cried in front of in about a year and I didn't try to force myself to stop and hold it in like I normally do. He's one of the very few people who I feel I can trust with anything. The thing is, I don't want to get attached - he's a bloke, and the chances are, he's not gonna be around forever. Relationships end, people move on etc. I'm scared that if I tell him about my past and let him in, I won't be able to control how I feel about him. I'll get too attached and then I'll be destroyed when it ends.

I wish I hadn't let this destroy me. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm never going to get over it.

[Tiny_93]

Rather thatn talking, because that's easier said then done, why not write it down? Like a letter? That way, you can get it all out, without even having to say it.

Because you haven't talked about what happened, in a way, you haven't really dealt with it. If a person bottles something up inside, it begins to destroy that person. By not talking, you're not dealing with it. By just keeping it inside and trying to hide it, sometimes only makes it worse.

Its ok to feel what you're feeling. It's normal. As far as what you're brother did, well that's not by all means! In time, what happened will fade, but that doesn't mean you will forget. Really do try to talk to someone about what happened.

I'm here if you ever want to talk <3

[Casey.]

As Laura said, you could try writing it, or typing it. Even printing out what you just wrote and giving it to your counselor or your boyfriend. It's not that you are transparent. It is often very easy to tell that someone has been abused in their past, by their actions and the way they reaction to situations. Some things you just can't hide, and most people probably wouldn't notice, unless they knew what those small signs meant.

Talk to your boyfriend. If he wants to support you, let him. You don't have to handle everything alone Ella. Just hang in there.