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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
abbya Offline
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Exclamation 8 Years - June 19th 2010, 07:46 AM

As a kid I was raped by my father repeatly. And I have successfully blocked out those images of the events for 16years since it first started. But I want to just hurt myself for what happened. Why? I feel as if I told someone sooner I could have left home sooner. I left home 2years ago when I was 16. Out of those years I went through hell and back. And now that my memories of my childhood are coming back, and the images of the physical and emotional abuse and neglect or slowly and quickly coming back. I have had to almost take myself to the ER once since I felt that I was completely unsafe. I have anger in me but I want to take that anger out on me. I don't know if other people feel like this but I know I am not alone but I feel alone. And the loneliness and sense of hopelessness is making me want to start cutting over again. And I don't want to do basic things since I was raped in the shower. I don't feel like even going into a bathroom that I know he has never stepped in. I don't even feel safe at night from myself. I just want to call it quits but people (friends and adopted family) tell me that I am worth living and that I can make a difference. But I feel that me wanting to work with children due the fact I want to stop other children from going through the same experience I have. I don't know what to think. Who knew that people you are told to trust by teachers, adults, and society would come and hurt you...
Can someone help me? I don't know anyone with similar experience and I just feel disgusted with my body even though I know I am female certainly and not trans.


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: 8 Years - June 19th 2010, 05:18 PM

Abby, I am so sorry you're feeling this way. You're right -- it is confusing when someone you are supposed to trust turns around and hurts you. I commend you for getting yourself out of that very harmful situation. What happened is not your fault. There was nothing more you could have done.

It's great that you might want to work with child rape victims when you get older. Whatever your motive, it's a wonderful thing to get into. Your friends and family are correct, you can make a difference and you do have a reason to live. Please don't give up. I know you can do this.

Is there someone you could speak to about this? Therapy might help you work through this confusion and self-disgust. Unfortunately, these feelings are quite common after experiencing a trauma such as a rape. I am currently experiencing similar symptoms after bringing up my past physical abuse with my therapist -- you are not alone. Try your best to reassure yourself that your father is gone and that he cannot hurt you anymore. Call a friend or partake in an activity to help take your mind off things. Check out our Alternatives to Self-Harm thread located in the Self-Harm forums.

Please take care! xx I am always here if you want to talk.

Last edited by DeletedAccount31; June 19th 2010 at 05:26 PM.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: 8 Years - June 20th 2010, 01:49 AM

Hey there Abby,

I'm really sorry you have had to go through so many years of being hurt. I hope you know none of it was your fault, though. Your father was supposed to be the one protecting you from all the bad things in life, not causing the pain. He is the only one to blame.

What your adoptive family and your friends have told you is true, Abby. You are a good person deserving of every good thing yet to come in life. Don't give up, okay? Talk to the people around you and let them support you.

Like Sarafina mentioned above, therapy could really help you. Abuse is an incredible struggle to get through and overcome and it's a good thing to ask for help. You deserve that help. Plus therapists and counselors are trained to help people work through these kinds of things. A good therapist will listen and help you work through the abuse and never judge. You deserve that kind of support in your life.

Having to take yourself to the ER if you're not okay, is a good thing to do, Abby. So don't be afraid to do that if you need to. I know it's scary, but they are there to help. And that anger you have inside, you don't deserve to have any of it taken out on you. You can talk to someone about this, too and find better ways to get that anger out.

And even though it feels like you're alone, you're not hun. Talk to the people around you and let them be there for you. As time passes and you heal, that loneliness and hopelessness will fade. I don't think that abuse and it's effects will ever fully go away, but they don't define you, Abby and they can't keep you from having an amazing life.

Talk to a professional and get help working through this. I know it's not easy, but everyone here on TH is here to support you through your healing. You can do this, Abby. I hope you're doing okay right now and please feel free to PM me if ever you want to talk.
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: 8 Years - June 20th 2010, 02:14 AM

I do see a therapist. I have to say that she is amazing. My thing is that everyone around me doesn't really know what to do to help me.

Also I have taken myself to the ER (4 times) for psych assessment and was later an inpatient while I got through that rough patch. But I don't know if I could find a place that I am comfortable in.

And I know that there are other people but the people I am around don't understand the pain I am in. I am doing okay for the time being, but since my father was of Indian (coming from India) heritage, every time is see anybody that looks like him I start to freak out. The same also goes for people looking my birth mother.

The fact is some reason the submissiveness that was beaten into me is making me be mad at myself more than him. I want to hurt myself but I can't find a way to do it without anybody around really noticing.

P.S. All I want to do right now is cry.


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: 8 Years - June 20th 2010, 04:13 AM

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and that she's helping. That's definitely a good step. Hopefully, given time, talking with her will really start to help you. I really do believe in the power of therapy. Maybe talk to her about joining a group therapy as well? It might help you to share and talk with others who have experienced the same thing. When people can relate to our own experiences it can really help us to open up and heal.

As for the inpatient thing, you should be proud of yourself for getting the help when you needed it And if you want to look into a more intense program or something inpatient that's right for you, you can talk to your therapist about it. I'm sure she could help you look into it and make some suggestions for you.

And it's perfectly okay that certain ethnic groups or characteristics bother you now. It's a pretty common reaction. I've always found I have a hard time being around someone who has the same name as my abuser. Which, I've always felt is weird but everybody reacts differently and it's perfectly okay.

The submissiveness is not your fault, Abby. It's how you were taught to act growing up and it's how you got through things. It's okay. It in no way makes what happened your fault. promise. Please don't hurt yourself. You definitely do not deserve to be hurt. Reach out and talk to people. Try and explain to your friends and family how your feeling and just spend time with them. Sometimes just having the people we love surrounding us helps.

Be good to yourself. I'm here if you need anything.
<3 Emily


"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Exclamation Re: 8 Years - June 21st 2010, 01:38 AM

Today I had another flashback. It has been hard all day. I just remembered that I had gave my father a father's day present, and I didn't give it willingly. I want to say that it came back really vividly and I could remember a lot of the memory except for the part after he put a condom on his little thing. I want to die. I feel really overwhelmed. I hurt a lot on the inside. I have to say that I have tried all non-injury techniques and it isn't helping. I went and tried some of the grounding techniques I was taught by my therapist. That didn't go well since I kinda flew downward (figuratively). Also I am having a reaction where I stopped having my period after it started on Friday (ET). I don't know if this is normal. Somebody want to help?

I have say I can't snap out of feeling as it just happened to me, over and over and over. Every flashback is similar but I knew they are different since the weather in the bathroom window changes. That is how vivid these are. And by the weather I can tell that it is an almost daily basis that he rapes me. Some days, instead he made me give him a BJ. And while I was having my flashback it hits me that my god, it happened to me for 9years.

And I have been really submissive lately but I only know this since my adopted mom told me that I have been really submissive lately and that she wants me to know that she is there to listen. But I told her but I don't think she understands since she has never been through what I have been through. I have been crying since I told her, but tears have stopped coming out. But I can feel them rolling down my face. And that is how vivid my flashbacks are. It is hurting me. I feel like cutting but everything has been locked since I tried earlier.


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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: 8 Years - June 25th 2010, 01:38 AM

Abby,
This is a very overwhelming situation to be in. I'm sure there are times when you feel it. The pain is so real it's almost as if you feel it happening right then. And then when you look around, you don't see where you really are. You see yourself and your abuser, and it tackles you down, deeper and deeper into the flashback. Am I right? I'm going to assume so, because it's exactly what happens to me. I have to ground myself also. I literally have to shut my eyes so tight and take about 10 deep breathes before I can come back. They happen anywhere, and anytime. I think about what I feel, smell, hear even. But sometimes it's not enough. You hear what people tell you about what to do, so you rush around desperately trying to find something that will work that you won't end up regretting. I see myself in your shoes. This is what I can tell you:

It's not going to go away right away. It's going to take lots of work with your therapist. I'm sure you already knew this part though. But the way I've learned to look at it, is that I've been put in this situation, and it hasn't taken control of my life.You need to do the same. Realize that you're still alive because you're strong enough to take on this problem. Your dad may have taken so much from you physically, and emotionally, but he hasn't taken the work you've put into recovery. He can't take away the future you're going to build yourself if you don't let him. I have so much faith in you. PM me anytime.


Never regret anything because at one time, it's exactly what you wanted. PM me. (:

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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: 8 Years - July 4th 2010, 01:08 AM

Chelsea

You are right. It does feel like that. And things have been spiraling downwards. Right now I want to do one thing and that is to die. And you can say I have the strength but I don't. When something takes up half of your life span, it is everything. I can't get myself to hurt me. It is too hard and I don't think I can kill myself. But this way too much and nobody in my immediate life knows how I feel on the inside. I would leave in a heartbeat if it wasn't for them.

MAKE THE PAIN STOP!! I can feel as I typing that, the rag in my mouth, and the taste of latex in my mouth after he is done. It hurts too much. The pain is real. I have started feel the pain in my body of his weight on my arms.

I can't to do this. I want to call it quits here and now.


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Re: 8 Years - July 4th 2010, 04:39 PM

Abby, I know it's impossible for people to understand exactly what you've been through, but it isn't impossible for them to understand how hurt you feel. Don't ever feel like you're alone. Don't be afraid to reach out for support. For example your therapist and your adopted mother really care and want to be there for you. Try letting them, even if only a little at first. For example, if you feel depressed or have bad memories, try asking someone if they'd like to spend time and do something fun with you to distract yourself. Or if you simply feel like crying, ask for a shoulder to cry on, it really helps so much. There's nothing worse than trying to cope entirely alone.

I know it's hard to stop blaming yourself, but if someone was in your exact situation, would you feel they deserved it? Of course not. No one deserves what you went through. You deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. And you might not see it, but you truly are a strong person. Despite all the pain you've come this far and you should be honestly proud of that. Everyone here on TH is here for you and we all believe in you. And if you ever need anyone to talk to or to listen, feel free to PM anytime.


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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: 8 Years - July 14th 2010, 05:33 AM

Don't worry, there are people who've been through the same thing you did, and survived. In fact, your story is a lot like mine. I was raped for as long as I can remember, I even have memories from when I was five or six. I'm actually a pretty dominant person, but when it comes to romantic things, I automatically go into a my numb, submissive state. Not only that, but I often have flashbacks and can't sleep at night.

You need to understand that it isn't your fault, and never was your fault. I had to work with a therapist once he was taken to a comfy mental hospital (before he went to prison, of course.) I just tried to get out of there. I don't regret that choice, but working with a therapist can help if you feel this overwhelmed. The only difference between our stories is that I stood straight up to my dad, and because I did that, I was able to cope once he left our house. The pain comes back to me sometimes, but even then, I think to myself, "I survived the first time. I can survive it again."

If you ever need to talk, feel free to add/message me or add my MSN. We're here for you. <3


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  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: 8 Years - July 17th 2010, 12:30 AM

I want to say thank to everyone. But I have to say I have give up. Today my cat peed on my bed. She has been doing this daily and on for about a month. Now I am fed up with myself since she is not the only one I had an issue with this. I was squirted with semen, and my brothers would pee on my always. Now that I am out of the situation I was in I thought I could forget, but nope. I want to die now; I see no point in being anywhere. I want to go away. I wish there was something I could do but there isn't. I want to just die. I just told my case workers supervisor of what happened and she was okay with it and said that if I was okay with it, they would switch me to a female caseworker. I am just afraid of what my actual caseworker is going to say. He is this tall muscular guy, he reminds me of the situation I was in about 10years ago. Can I just forget this and die? I can't find a reason that I can explain this as I explained the reason why I was physically and emotionally abused by him and the rest of my family.

I just want someone to come and just give me a hug and just support and talk to me. Like I said nobody in my life understands me and what I went through.

(I am crying as I am typing this and I am wondering what is in the kitchen. )


--
-Abby
   
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Re: 8 Years - July 28th 2010, 08:13 AM

though i don't know if this will work for you or not....

I myself have had sexual abuse and I don't like being in the bathroom/bathtub/shower for various reasons. i have a friend who hangs out with me in the evenings almost everyday and she will sit in the bathroom with me while i take a shower. Hearing her voice distracts me and makes me feel much more comfortable. On the very few days when I am having a really rough time she will wash my hair and back for me. Its very comforting to me. Also If Im alone i just blast my radio really loudly.

I hope this helps. I could come up with some further suggestions if you want to send me a pm. Feel free any time!
   
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Re: 8 Years - July 29th 2010, 10:34 PM

Abby, that must be hard. That must be so so so hard. I too want to hurt myself, for the pain I've been caused. I don't understand it, and nobody else understands it either. Just know, you're not alone, I can sympathize with that thought.

You need to know that he is gone. I, myself, sound like a hypocrite for telling you that... let's go with... you need to know that he is gone, though it may be hard to accept... very hard... he is gone. Don't let him control your life. Does he deserve to be in control of you? There is somebody, many people, out there who love you and want you and will never ever hurt you.Even if they don't know you.

As for the memories? Let them come if they will come. But, know you are stronger than those memories.

"So, let it go, let it leave, let it circle round' about you. Let it know that you can't sleep and it will have to live without you. Oh, the pain that you bore... you don't own it anymore. So, let it go... let it go." ~ Jennifer Nettles (a place for you)

You can beat this. I may not know you, Abby, but your story truly did touch me... and I believe in you! You will rise above and conquer. You are so much better than all that has happened to you. I hate it when people tell me I'm only as happy as I choose to be. What if I can't choose to be happy? The same goes for you. I'm not going to tell you that. When you can be happy, you breathe and finally be happy. Hopefully you can speed up the process, though. You may never forgive or forget. It will hurt you, and you will cry... but you can learn to cope. Posting something on here was a start... look at all who support you! The world isn't completely a horrible place. PM me anytime!

YOU ARE STRONG!

Keep smiling, xxx


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Smiles! -Felicia
   
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