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kc_82 Offline
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I Saw Him - July 3rd 2010, 03:39 AM

This week at work, a gentleman came in and I had to go wait on him. Well the office woman came up and asked him what his name was. I had talked to him briefly enough to find out he just wanted to reschedule his appointment, but couldn't. She asked him what his name was and it was the guy who raped me 5 years ago. I walked away. I went into the woman's office to wait. Once she came him, I started stuttering "that's the guy, that's the guy that hurt me." I started to cry. I went and saw a lady at our office that works with sexual victims and I started bawling again. I can't tell you why I cried, I don't even know. I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, I guess more shocked.

I talked to my supervisor and she offered to let me go home, but I didn't want too. I was fine. I talked later to a woman there I have befriended and she told me that I was not fine, my eyes were lying. I woke up last night saying I hated my job (which I actually love) and that I didn't want my life anymore. I don't even remember saying these things, my husband told me. I started crying again this morning once he told me. I cried to myself tonight at work telling myself, "he hurt me, he hurt me."

I talked to my friend again today and she went to our boss and hypothetically talked to her about it. Our boss guessed that it was me and that this guy will not be allowed to come back, but I need to talk to another boss of ours and the other boss. I didn't want her to say anything, but in some ways I feel relieved. But now I am trying to be me again and this is really botheirng me. I am second guessing myself, maybe it's not him, but the name is the same and there are similar characteristics. I don't want to cause trouble, I just wanted to keep it to myself. I have been working on it with a counselor, but.... I don't even know what to think. I feel embarrassed about crying yesterday, I feel its stupid in general to feel this way. I can bury it some, but it's on the surface. I think I am ok, but I know I am not. I don't even know why I am posting this, I just need to get it out I suppose.
   
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Emily. Offline
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Re: I Saw Him - July 5th 2010, 04:29 AM

Hey there.

You have absolutely no reason to feel bad about how you reacted. I think most everyone has a very hard time facing and seeing the people that have hurt them in the past. You are an incredibly strong person for coming through everything and you should be proud of yourself.

Seeing him again is bound to bring things back to the surface for a bit. What you're going through is okay, hun and nothing to be embarrassed about. Talk to the people around you - your husband, friends at work, counselor. Just don't keep things inside. You definitely deserve the support.

And I think it's a really good idea that you talk to your bosses about him. You shouldn't have to work in an environment that isn't emotionally healthy for you.

I hope you're doing okay right now. You can get through this and please feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.
<3 Emily


"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

   
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