I don't understand why I still cling to him.

[brokendown]

I have been going out with this guy for three years. This guys name is Enrique, Ricky for short. We met at church four years ago and were friends for a whole year before he asked me out. He is older than me by four years.

I was fourteen when we started going out. He was always the type that treated me like a princess and did everything he could for me. So as Christians we always chose to abstain and wait for marriage before engaging in sexual activity. In the beginning of April he started talking about having sex, asking me if I would do it. I told him that I was waiting for marriage and he said ok. Later on in the week he kept on about sex and asking if it would be alright if we had sex. I told him that I would possibly consider it but that it wouldn't be likely.

So in the beginning of June we were at this party that he made me go to and I drank only soda. But maybe twenty minutes after I had my first drink, I started to get dizzy and feel like my motor skills were failing me. Ricky noticed this and took me to a room upstairs and I started to fall asleep as he pulled my shirt over my head, by the time my shoes were off I was asleep. I woke up maybe a half hour later to this weird motion and when my vision seemed to clear he was ontop of me completely nude. I could feel him all over me but it was dull like I could feel him inside me but it didn't feel like anything. I remember crying and trying to scream but barely any sound came out from me.

When I woke up it was the next day and he was sleeping right next to me. His face looked so innocent but I felt so dirty and used and yet I still loved him. It hurt to look at him and I broke down in the bathroom. I didn't want anyone to know so I turned on the shower and cried as quietly as I could. When he woke up and saw me he had this look of horror on his face, I didn't want him to look at me. But he scooped me up anyway and started crying begging for my forgiveness.


Why do I still love him? What is wrong with me? I feel so worthless and all I can do now is cling to him. I don't know why I can still cling to him when he is the one who did this to me.

[DarkSeph]

Nothing is wrong with you whatsoever. Nearly everyone is the same in your situation. You went out with him for 3 years, loved him, trusted him, shared dreams and good memories and letting go of that is extremely difficult, regardless of how much you've been hurt. Don't blame yourself or feel worthless, it's not your fault and you really didn't deserve what happened. I'm sorry it did and really hope you're ok.

Regardless, the truth is what he did is completely unacceptable, as well as illegal. The best suggestion I can give would be to report it, but if you can't manage that right now, at the very least break free from the relationship. If he did this once, it's definitely not impossible for him to do the same again, or worse, if he feels you'll let him away with it. For both your sake and his, you need to get out of this. If you have any close friends, people you trust or get on well with your family, tell them what happened and talk to them too. Support is essential at times like this, you aren't alone and no one will judge you for what happened. Stay strong and most importantly don't feel bad or blame yourself.

[BrokenHeart315]

I'm really sorry. I wish there could be a way he could go back & undo what he did. But there's not. Fact is, what he did was criminal, & he could go to jail for it. Unfortunately the only response there is is to turn him in & get out of this relationship.
Talk to me anytime, sweetie. I'm here.