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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Perfect Offline
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Boyfriend can't know - July 25th 2010, 04:07 PM

Hello I am 18 years old and have been with my first boyfriend for 4 years. I went very slowly with him and Iím begging to feel the pressure from being the only virgin in my group of friends left as well as from him. My friends say there must be something wrong if we havenít yet and my boyfriend voices that he would like to but is willing to wait until I am ready. But the truth is I donít think I will ever be ready. I worry and have major anxiety when it comes to this subject I refuse to let his even insert and pull out because I donít want to get pregnant. He argues that I canít and wonít from one quick poke but that doesnít appeal to me at all. This is all becoming very stressful on our relationship and I feel like I will eventually just let everything collapse. I have gone so slow in sexual activities and limited myself because I was sexual abused when I was younger up in till my teens. Any time that I am put in a situation that I am not comfortable with I just freeze but I begin to shake. Every night I donít sleep and just reflect back on to various moments of abuse and sometimes cry and beat my head just to get the memory to go away. I donít know how to overcome this and please my boyfriend. It kills me that he says he loves to know that he is the only guy that has ever been close to me and touched me but the truth is he is not. Any advice is welcome thanksÖsorry I didnít know exactly where to put this deals with relationships, sex, and abuse
   
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Re: Boyfriend can't know - July 25th 2010, 04:27 PM

Why can he not know? This is a big part of you and always will. These things never go away, but having people around you who understand help everything. This secret is straining the relationship. If you don't trust him then you shouldn't be with him and if he doesn't take it well, do you really want to be with that kind of person? I know I wouldn't. He can help you walk through this in your own speed. Secrets are never good in relationships.

Also, if you do get to the point where you do something sexual and his penis comes anywhere near your vagina, please make him put a condom on. Just because its a 'quick poke' doesn't mean precome can't get in there, and pulling out does not work.

Good luck.



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Re: Boyfriend can't know - July 25th 2010, 05:46 PM

Telling him would be a good idea. It would help him understand what you're going through and how you feel and it would help you to get it off your mind too. He'd be able to be there for you. If you've been with him 4 years, surely you can trust him enough. I'm certain he'd be happy to help in any way he could, and happy you trust him enough to tell him.

As for your worries about sex, don't be. I know myself my first relationship lasted 3 years and there was no sex at all either because she was worried for the exact same reasons. In fact she wanted to wait until after college, at which point I'd have been nearly 30 o.o Speaking from a guys perspective, if he's waited 4 years, he really loves you and sex isn't nearly as important to him as you are. Not all guys require sex to be happy, there are more than a few guys out there who would trade sex entirely away for a loving relationship. Your friends can say what they like, but it doesn't change the fact you have a guy who really loves you. And he might have been saying he'd like to because he thinks you're just a little uncertain and he want's to make you comfortable. Tell him your true feelings. Bottling it up is not healthy for your relationship, but being open to him could be a huge relief. Really hope things work out well, best of luck.


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Re: Boyfriend can't know - July 25th 2010, 06:28 PM

If you tell him he Kay be more accepting of the fact that your not ready. No matter how much you wish it didn't happen you were sexually abused and nothing wil change that. It's a part of who you are. If you want your relationship to work you need to tell him. He may be able to help you get through the memories you have. If you can't trust him then how are you going to survive as a
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Re: Boyfriend can't know - July 25th 2010, 11:14 PM

It's perfectly natural to want to wait after suffering from abuse. I thought I'd be ready with my boyfriend now, but I'm not. Even 2 years after my assault. The truth is, is everyone will be ready at some point. In some cases, you can even justify it as making sure your boyfriend is the one. You have plenty of time to decide when you will be ready and if he isn't willing to wait any longer than you know he's not the one. When I first told my boyfriend he seemed stunned, but he was right there to hold my hand. I went through therapy for a very long time, and even addressed my fear to having sex after that, especially because I was a virgin before then. My counselor worked with me over and over on what to do and how to express that I didn't like it anymore without making myself upset. Maybe it would work for you too? I wish you the best of luck, and remember that you don't have to do anything you don't want too.


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Re: Boyfriend can't know - July 28th 2010, 07:04 AM

I definitely think you should tell him about this. As the others have said, he clearly really loves you, and he's probably just feeling that you're a little uncertain about sex, rather than having a real reason not to want it.

My first sexual partner was my boyfriend for a year before we started, and he knew about my history long before that. Not only did he wait and respect my feelings, I actually had to convince him our first time, because he was that concerned about putting me in an uncomfortable situation!


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Re: Boyfriend can't know - July 28th 2010, 07:58 AM

I feel sometimes guys don't get enough credit. They aren't just manly and tough all the time. My boyfriend was one of the toughest looking boys at my school but when I told him about my abuse he instantly wanted to be there for me and help me recover. When ever we have a "intimate moment" he makes sure to give fare warning and ask if i'm okay with proceeding. I truly feel that if your boyfriend and you have a strong healthy relationship this will not change anything at all. You never know, he might already be having suspicions and doesn't want to say anything. Just trust him and be honest with him thats the best thing you can do for your relationship.


If you want to talk more about how to address the subject with him or about being intimate feel free to message me. I'd love to help!
   
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Re: Boyfriend can't know - July 28th 2010, 05:24 PM

I remember telling my boyfriend about the abuse that I went through, and to be honest, it wasn't necessarily intentional. I can't quite remember how I did it, but I do remember that it was terrifying. I was scared that'd think me filthy, or worse, that he wouldn't want to deal with me, and I remember even telling him, before he bought his first plane ticket over, "what happens if I'm too scared and uncomfortable to even let you kiss me?" so I do understand where you're coming from. Another thing I did was tell him over and over that I'm not sure when I'd be ready to have sex, and he simply said "all I want is for you to be comfortable. We're taking this at your pace, babe, and you are in complete control." I said, "what if it never happens?" And he said, "then it never happens. That's not why I'm in this relationship." A little over a year later, he continues to maintain this same philosophy.

One thing I've found is that I tend to focus on it a lot more than he does. Perhaps it's the same for you? I find that I'm the one who's constantly bringing it up and worrying over it, especially over excruciating little details. There are times I project these thoughts onto him and there have been times I've accused him of making me feel pressured, when in the end, I'm the one who's been putting the pressure on myself. It sounds as though your boyfriend truly cares about you, and it's obvious that he loves you and is very much in love with you. Why? Because he's waited four years for you and he's willing to wait even longer. I'm sure he wants it, yes, but to him it seems that trust, love and respect are a lot more important, and this quality in anyone is definitely something that I admire.

I do think you should tell your boyfriend about this. Why? Because it's important to have that trust and communication in a relationship. The honesty should not only bring you closer, but it should give him more understanding and perhaps allow him to talk to you more about what approach would make you most comfortable; maybe he'll even go the extra step and do some research himself. Is there a reason in particular that you're scared of letting him know? I know for me, it was similar to what you said here -- "he says he loves to know that he is the only guy that has ever been close to me and touched me but the truth is he is not." I didn't want my boyfriend knowing that he wasn't the first person to have touched me. But here's the thing, even though he might not be the first person to have touched you, he's the first person to have touched you gently and lovingly and with all the care in the world, and to be honest, that's an even greater honour than being the first to touch you at all.
   
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Re: Boyfriend can't know - July 28th 2010, 09:07 PM

Well, in my opinion...

It is very hard to get over sexual abuse. Mostly, I believe, because we have been betrayed by somebody we are supposed to trust. I do think it's time to let go... I am working on it too. I know how hard it is, the memories never seem to go away. Try to block them out and rise above them, go out on a limb, tell yourself that one day you will be ready and you need to live a little, to take a risk. How will you know you don't enjoy it if you don't try? When you decide you will take a risk, and decide not to fear the worst, try it. But, make a deal with him that if you don't like it, he will wait again until you are ready...

Four years of waiting for you shows he loves you, I think, and I think that eventually in the end (though it doesn't seem like it) , things will be okay.


Hope things turn out okay for you.


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Smiles! -Felicia
   
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