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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Tsunami Offline
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Feel like killing myself sometimes. - August 1st 2010, 07:15 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Erm - hi...

Hopefully I put this in the right forum. Didn't know whether to put it in Abuse or Depression

I'm extremely depressed, have severe anxiety and stress.

I'll start off then - might be a bit unorganized.

I suffer from Emotional and Verbal abuse, along with Neglect from my bad for the past 3 years.

My Dad lives in Canada, my Mother in England along with my Sister. I used to live with my Mother, but chose to move to live with my Father because I never really spent any time with him, and wanted to have a father in my life properly. Like you see in the movies and read about - they play catch, take them to the movies, etc. - my parents are still married.

This was a mistake.

My father absolutely HATES me. He belittles me constantly all day, everyday. He swears at me, calls me names (monster, failure, horrible person, along with swear words). He tells members of his side of the family bad things about me (Two aunts, one of them is married so her husband too, one uncle, and his wife). When he comes to talk to my parent teacher nights, he lies to the teachers about me.

He has a female "friend" he invites over every weekend, and she stays over, but they sleep in the same bed. According to him nothing happens.

My house is a "shack", with a barbed wire fence that's pretty high around the perimeter. It has 4 rooms. Bathroom that's small and dingy, a Kitchen that's dirty and old, a small room where I spent most of my time that has no ventilation and it gets incredibly hot in summer, so I keep a dusty fan inside, and the living/dining room. Of course there's a small hallway. The living/dining room contains a dining table, an old block TV from like the '70s, and 3 beds. My dad has his own new double bed, I have a used bed that's uncomfortable with used blankets and pillows.

My dad gets everything for free. His "friend" gets free things from people, and gives them to people who need it, but my dad takes his pick of things first.

Only new things are my computer and things I own - my mother either helped me save or I saved by saving my lunch money and going hungry.

In fact, on Friday, 30th July, I never ate anything till 12 pm on Saturday, 31st July - 36 hours - my father wouldn't make me food nor talk to me. I'm not allowed to use the stove or oven, and there wasn't really anything else to eat. He doesn't really buy much food either. Or variety.

If I go out in public with my Dad he shouts at me in public, and it's very embarrassing.

I have no self esteem. Just writing this is taking all my effort. If I go to McDonalds or something I can't order.

My sister came over in May, and her bed is right next to mine, in turn next to an old gas furnace. My dad gets angry at my sister, but more so me. I get in trouble for walking! I have to tip toe. I get constantly reminded on how to lift the toilet seat.

Not to brag, or sound like it, but this is more of the problem.

I got tested for my IQ back in December, and got 140+ IQ, now my father uses this against me, anytime I attempt to have a conversation he makes fun of me telling me not to use big words since he only went to school till grade 8 - his excuse for everything - I can't help not using big words - it's part of me. I -love- learning. I've always hated school - it's been too easy. My parent's haven't understood - I slacked off since grade 7, and in September start grade 10, and dreading it. My mother wants me to go to IB else she'll never talk to me again. I want to be accelerated in school. I love learning but hate school since it limits your learning. Nobody does anything, and parent's think I'm lazy. I got bad grades in grade 8 and 9. Really bad. So now nobody believes me.

My mother loves me, but sometimes she's really annoying.

I need help. I'm cracking under this. I feel mad. I also have this cold pain in my chest now, like I can feel my sadness. Physical pain. I don't want to go to school. I can't take it. I'm SO worried.

I cannot relax. I'm losing hair. I know school is still a month away but I can't relax. Just like say it's Thursday, and I finished school, went home, it's 5 pm. I know that soon it'll be 11 pm and I should sleep, then it's school. Or like Friday, I'm done, can't relax. It'll be Saturday soon, which means Sunday is after, then it's school.

I need help but can't tell my family, use the phone (not allowed, and don't have a mobile/cell phone), or leave the house.

Don't think I'd have the guts to kill myself though.

Sorry if I forgot anything.

Last edited by Tsunami; August 1st 2010 at 08:20 AM.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Emily. Offline
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Re: Feel like killing myself sometimes. - August 2nd 2010, 12:40 AM

Hey there,

It sounds like you are really going through a hard time and I'm sorry your father treats you this way. You deserve so much better. Is there any way you can move back with your mom? If you can't use the phone, send her an email/letter telling her how things are and asking if you can come back. It may take some saving up and a bit of time, but at least you could have a plan in place to leave that way.

I also think you should talk to an adult that can help you in the mean time. You really shouldn't have to live in a house where the person who is supposed to be taking care of you is neglectful. Talk with one of your past teachers, a friends parent, or if your able to, you can contact a social services agency. Hopefully this link can help you find people to contact in your area.

It's hard to have any sort of self-esteem when you're constantly being put down and belittled. I'm sure you are a good person, though and you're obviously smart. You have a lot to be proud of yourself for. Hopefully by getting out of this neglectful and abusive situation you can start rebuilding your self-esteem. It might also help to try therapy down the road. Sometimes we just need that extra help from someone to get us back on the right track.

I hope you're doing okay right now. Please reach out for help and you can always PM me if you want to talk.
<3 Emily

"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
ruki Offline
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Re: Feel like killing myself sometimes. - August 8th 2010, 02:08 AM


You do NOT deserve this. I promise you that. Have you tried to talk to your dad or mom about this? If you EVER want to talk, feel free to talk to me, and i can and will try to help you!!

Talk to you soon hopefully,

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