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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
GhostOfYou Offline
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I can't get over it - August 8th 2010, 03:30 AM

I broke up with my abusive boyfriend of a year and a half, we broke up about a month ago.
I'm with a new guy now. He is nothing like my last boyfriend. I love all the little things about this guy and he treats me SO good. He holds me and shows me he cares by making my car safe and making sure my cellphone is on, instead of controling what I do. I've never had a guy trust me like this, and it feels great. I never deserved what my last boyfriend gave me, which was disrespect and him not trusting me.
I never cheated on him, never lied to him or anything. Yet I wasn't aloud to talk to guys or sit next to guys or DEFINATLY not hang out with guys. I did one time and I got the living shit beat out of me. I got emotional black mail and constant verbal accusations.
And because of all the times a guy would text me, and all the shit I used to get from my ex when I would talk to a guy, I am SO afraid to let all that go and have a normal social life again.

My new boyfriend treats me great. I'm aloud to do whatever I want, basicly, like obviously unless I don't break his trust. Every time I talk to a guy, I spend the next week terrified my boyfriend will flip out on me, hit me, lock me in a bathroom. I'm really having some post traumatic stress around these issues.
Not to mention, I can't even lay with him or sleep with him without feeling on the verge of a panic attack.
My ex would hurt me so badly when I would lay down with him I would cringe and feel sick to my stomach until I finally got away from him.

Do you think I started a relationship with this new guy too quickly? I really thought I was over my ex, I mean I am - I honestly have no feelings for him. But I know I'm not over the abuse and the living hell he put me through.
I really really like this new guy and I don't want to mess anything up with him, but at the same time, when I lay down with him, I feel the same fear I used to with my ex. I'm trying so hard to seperate the relationships and try to trust again. But I'm messing my chance with this new guy up more and more every day, because I can't get close to him. Please help...
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I can't get over it - August 9th 2010, 03:51 PM

Hey There

First of all, I'm really proud of you that you got out of your last relationship - it was a really brave thing to do, and I'm also glad that you understand it wasn't your fault - so many victims feel it's there fault when it really isn't!

For personally, I would have said that you got into the relationship with the new girl to early on - but that's just my opinion, and if he really does love and care about you then I'm sure he'll stick around and help you face the problems you're having.

Make sure you keep talking to your current boyfriend, tell him how you feel about stuff and maybe try and find alternative ways of doing things - take things slowly.

Can you hug your current boyfriend without feeling scared? If you can than maybe try and hug sitting on the sofa, from there try and snuggle up on the sofa ect... gradually make it so you can just lie next to him, or hugging him where you no longer feel at risk. This will take time, you are in many respects re-training your reflexes by teaching your body that actually it's safe to be next to this new man

Remember that you won't ever forget and you probably wont ever forgive what you ex put you through, it's just a matter of accepting those feelings and being able to move on. To do this, you need to talk about everything, let your boyfriend know everything, let you tell him everything and gradually release the pain and torment from your system - you've kept it bottled up for a long time, and it's hard for your mind and body to understand it's no longer at threat any more.

As with the meeting up with guys thing, why not go out with your boyfriend and meet some of his friends? Set ground rules, if your feeling uncomfortable tell him and you both leave together. By your boyfriend being with you when you see people, then maybe you it will help you to teach yourself that he isn't going to hurt you?

I think things are going to take a lot of time to work themselves out, but keep trying! Your boyfriend sounds like a really great guy (Jealous!) and I'm sure he will help you through everything Have you spoken to a Counsellor or therapist since getting out of the relationship? They would have some great advice on how to move on, and you could talk to them about how you feel about certain things in life. Honestly - many people find the thought of seeing someone really daunting, but they are generally lovely people who are only there to help

I hope this helps, and if you ever need someone to chat to, my inbox is open

I'm still alive.
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It's a fact of life: If you make one wrong move with a gun to your head
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I got away with it all and I'm still alive.
Let the end of the world come tumbling down.
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As long as hot blood runs through my veins
I'm still alive.
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Re: I can't get over it - August 10th 2010, 02:36 AM

I had the exact same problem. I was with a guy for 6 months. He controlled everything i did and hurt me all the time for the stupidest reasons. My boyfriend now is the best thing that ever happened to me. Over the months of being with my boyfriend i have gotten used to him and trusting him. He would never hurt me. You have to trust him and talk to him about these feelings you are havinh. I did and he totally understood. I anxiety attacks almost every time we made out. after about 2 months i stopped having them because he was so understanding. your boyfriend loves and cares about you and would do anything to make you feel safe and loved. just talk to him.
and after awhile if that doesn't wotk then maybe you should seek counseling

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It's not too late, it's never too late

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I can't get over it - August 10th 2010, 05:38 PM

Try not to fear messing things up too much. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have a nice guy who looks after you and cares, after everything you've been through, so enjoy that. Chances are it's going to be difficult to trust any guy at all, but it will be far easier to tackle that fear with a loving boyfriend to support you, than being entirely alone. Don't feel you have to "wait until you're fixed or better". Everyone has their issues or problems and your boyfriend will be more than happy to help you through that and help you become more comfortable. Try to talk to him and let him know exactly how you're feeling, if he loves you he will be happy to be there for you, since he'll know he'll be helping you.

Don't feel bad if it takes a long time to feel completely comfortable and don't feel you're messing things up by not trusting him yet. He'll be perfectly capable of understanding. Try to enjoy all the positive aspects of your relationship. Everything bad that happened is in the past and the happy future without worry is finally there for you so make the most of it. Hope everything works out.

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