Triggering: HELP ME...?

[Amanda-Marie]

ummm...so this is my first time posting anything instead of talking online (lol since every time i talk online i end up concentrating on helping other people and i never get anywhere) so if i do this wrong sorry!

i have a lot of problems with guys and i cant seem to talk to anyone in person who can really help me anyways lol so here goes...

I was abused mentally and physically as a child by my mother which she has softened up more over the years luckily so my brothers don't have the same experiences...however my father was always the one to comfort me and set an example for behavior and teach me how to conquer my fears etc.

So because of this i made found it easier to make friends with boys as opposed to girls which resulted in me hanging out with boys more often then girls, only making the girls dislike me as i became older. Also my parents fought alot and sometimes they would get me involved by asking me who was right...at the beginning i was too young to even understand what they were talking about and just wanted them to stop fighting and hug. I wanted to be on both of their sides at times but i didn't always know how. Then instead of being a child and letting them help me with my problems, I had to push mine aside and try to figure out theirs. Sometimes i felt like i was the grownup instead of them and that they would never stop fighting. I was the scapegoat in the family too..especially for my mother and i was in trouble if i spoke and at the same time if i was quiet i wasn't being loud enough...so i never was good enough.

Further more, on top of that my doctor molested me and hit me when i was very young and i never told my mom about it. Then when i became a bit older my best friend started trying to do stuff with me i didn't want to do but instead of backing off he tried to force things on to me. Afterwards i would forgive him and we would just move on being friends but eventually it went too far and he tried to rape me but he didn't. One day i came so close to doing it that i told my parents but they didn't really think anything of it which bothered me. I had to pester them to talk to his mom about it, and after that he was angry with me for a while.

Anyways we moved away to another country for a year before moving back to Canada again. But in the mean time we lived in central america and my father hired a guy named Vincent to drive us to school. Vincent always stopped to look at like every girl who passed by it was disgusting! Although after a while he started trying to touch me. We tried to tell my dad about what was going on but he didn't really pay much attention to it until he stole money from us. Anyways a year later we moved back to Canada and everything seemed to be going ok, I made new friends started high school and it was good until one night i took my dog for a walk and she ran off chasing a squirrel into the forest and i ran after her to get her back on her leash which she had managed to get her head out of the collar. So i was looking for her and there happened to be a man in the forest too, he offered to help me look for my dog and i took the kind gesture thinking everything was fine. Long story short he ended up raping me and beating me along with threats so that i wouldn't tell anyone which i didn't i just went home to an empty house went to my room and did not speak a word.

Eventually i did tell some friends of mine but they didn't really help me although being kind friends they tried and some did more damage instead of helping though. To shorten up this already too long of a story i was raped a few more times by this man and a few other men who turned out to know him. I felt worthless and besides the fact i was a virgin before i was raped and it meant A lot to me, i lectured myself all the time on how i wouldn't have sex before marriage and i meant it too. I was careful not to wear certain cloths i didn't even go very far with the few guys i dated, i was picky about who i went out with too. And then it was all gone.

I'm disappointed and i feel like i let my future husband down if i even do get married. Anyways after that happened i eventually got the courage to date another guy but i ended up dating this guy who was abusive and had drinking problems...the bad boyfriend streak continued until i found one guy that was great! He treated me wonderfully too...until i realized that my father wouldn't have approved something about him. So i wanted to do what was right and i broke up with him saying we could just be good friends. Turns out he couldn't handle all this right now even though he said he could because he called me up and killed himself and told me it was my fault. I still can't really deal with it...

Anyways now im going into grade 11 i know some guys like me but im afraid to even come close to them or make eye contact.. i feel horrible about it because i don't want to be a wimp and back away from them but sometimes i cant help it. Apart from that its hard to be close to people because i feel like i cant trust anyone or get close without being hurt...I don't have the energy to help everyone else all the time anymore and still keep a perfect smile on and be happy in public...its very hard I feel overwhelmed and i don't seem to fit in quite enough anywhere and be myself at the same time... I just don't know what to do anymore...i try to think positive but everything is jumping at me and soon ill be off to university and i will still be screwed up and away from home too and miserable...like how will i get through school like this? How can i make a good life and have a good husband if all this is in the way? I just feel hopeless and useless.

[Emily.]

Hey there, Amanda-Marie.

It sounds like you have really been through a lot. I'm sorry so many people have hurt you in your life. You definitely deserve much better than that and I hope you know none of what happened was your fault.

It's okay that you are a bit wary around guys. That's a pretty normal reaction for someone who's been through abuse. Give yourself time. It might also help you to give counseling a try. Sometimes we need to be able to talk through what's happened to us. A therapist can help you work through it and be able to move forward. You CAN trust again and get to a place where you feel safe. It may take some time and getting help form others, but you'll get there.

It might also be a good idea to talk to you parents about what you've been through. I know that can be a hard thing to do, but you truly deserve to have their support. You shouldn't have to go through all of this alone.

And it's okay that you don't have the energy to help everyone else right now. Sometimes we all just have to focus on ourselves. It's a good thing to focus on yourself. You don't always have to be happy or have a smile on your face - let your friends know how you're feeling and let them be there for you.

The last thing I wanted to add is that being abused does not in any way let a future partner down. What happened to you was not your fault and the first time you willingly have sex is still up to you.

I hope you're doing okay right now. Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.
<3 Emily

[**Theresa**]

nothing that happen is your fault because you didnt ask for it, it can also be hard when you try telling someone and they dont really pay much attention because i have been though the same thing and i know how you must have felt.

As for trusting people again it will be up to you when you are ready but, not everyone is the same as the people who hurt you.

Theresa