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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Zum Zum Girl Offline
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First Consentual Time? - August 15th 2010, 06:50 PM

So, I was abused by several family members growing up, sexually, and it followed me around for quite a while. For many years after, I struggled with Self Harm (1 year clean since 7/8/10), and still continue to have issues with ED.

Anyway! That's not what I was here for.

Recently, I started seeing a guy (3 months as of a few days ago), and we both have very strong feelings for eachother, but decided to take things slow, and so far we have. However, last week, after not seeing eachother for a month, things got heated. Rather than go into detail, I'll simply say we went far enough for me to panic and shut down almost completely. We agreed after that we would back things up a bit and take it slower.

Here's my thing. My therapist has discussed with me that basically the only way to work through these issues is to face them head-on (being intimate with someone else, that is.). I was wondering if anyone else here has been in this situation yet, and if you had any advice on how to handle it? Right now, I'm trying to deal with the flashbacks as they come (because my immediate response to everything was panic and shut down.), and figure out how best to approach this subject with my bf. He's been really great about everything, and hasn't pressured me at all into anything. If anything he's been completely understanding and even taken on some guilt because of it. (After he repetitively told me that I had no reason to feel guilty or be sorry, because I did nothing wrong.)

Again, I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this, because I'm kinda feeling like I'm out here on my own (even though I know I'm not.) And I'm not really sure how to talk to anyone around me about it...





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Re: First Consentual Time? - August 16th 2010, 12:38 AM

i have been in this situation. after being attacked a year and a half ago and then being in a sexually, physically, and emotionally abuseive relationship for 4 months, I had a lot of trouble in this area. In may i started dating the most amazing guy in the world. In the beginning of our relationship i freaked out almost periodically.

Everytime we made out or he touched me or grabbed my arm a certain way, I would get scared or nervous. He hated seeing me in pain from my memories. He didn't want to think that I was afraid of him. seeing that pain and love in his eyes made me want to be better for him. at first i kepyt my eyes open and focused on him. I constantly reminded myself that he loved me and that it was him and not one of the other guys that had hurt me. I knew that he would NEVER hurt me.

after awhile it got easier and easier. Now we can go all the way without me freaking out. It's because I know it him. I know he won't hurt me. It won't be easy and it will take time. you can't be healed over night. Only do what you are comfortable with until you know you can trust him.

If you have any questions PLEASE pm me. I'm here to talk =]

good luck hun, and don't give up or give in.


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Re: First Consentual Time? - August 16th 2010, 05:15 AM

Hey there,

I have dealt with this situation myself, and all I can say is communication is key. Take things slow, but also discuss the details. Talk about what feels good, what feels scary, and what feels like it's too far. This will not only make things a bit easier on your boyfriend; it will also help you to feel safer. Knowing what's going to happen before it does helps SO much in this situation. It may be kind of awkward, but again, it helps so much.

Your boyfriend sounds wonderful. Just realize that you do have to communicate with him to make this work.

Take care of yourself, and good luck.


[/url]
"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
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Re: First Consentual Time? - August 16th 2010, 08:53 PM

Thanks to both of you, and I may just take you up on that option to talk via pm, laughter.

He is very sweet and understanding about everything, which quite surprised me. (I'm not sure why. He's not a total jerk and he never has been lol).

My biggest issue lately is, he works 5 days a week, goes to school 3 nights out of the week, and has his daughter 1 day on the weekends, so we haven't seen eachother since that night. I know he's not avoiding me because we have talked since then, but this isn't a conversation I want to have over the phone or by IM, because we all know what men are like when you say "we need to talk," and rather than make him think I'm going to say something bad, I'd feel a lot more comfortable having the conversation in person.

To be honest, I'm not really worried that he'll hurt me (ever) intentionally, because I've been getting told for as long as I've known him, "he'll never make you do anything you're not ready for, or don't want to." That night was simply something where we got way too caught up in the moment and instead of me saying stop, or lets talk about this first, I panicked and froze.

As far as giving up or giving in, I can guarantee you that'll never happen. As cheesy as it sounds, I told my mom 2 weeks after I knew him "I want to marry this guy and have his babies." (Obviously not for many years, considering my age).

Anyway, thankyou so much for listening, and moreover for replying. You both were very helpful!





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