Is there something wrong with me?

[desolatemind]

Hey guys, I haven't been on here in quite sometime and it feels kind of idk weird coming back, but I need to.

Anyway, I've been through so much in my life and one of the things that is at the forefront of this message is sexual abuse I've gone through. Out of my whole life I've had 6 people hurt me in that way and I feel soooo guilty about that number. The last time something happened was 2 years ago exactly this week 2 years ago and the end result of what happened that night was stalking. Anyway, I feel like something has got to be wrong with me. To be specific it was 3 neighbors, 2 cousins and a familiar stranger. It's like I've grown comfortable with people talking about what they want to do to me etc. I feel like I attract these people and that it's my fault I've let it get this far. I've gone through this since I was 5 to 18. One continued from 5-16 and the others were just sometimes through the years. Of course I've remained silent through all this but tomorrow or well today in a few hours I think I have the courage enough to talk about it. But I have a feeling it may not happen today. Idk I feel like I'm at fault for letting it get this bad and that I'm crazy. If I had to talk to the police about it, I could imagine them not believing me. Idk I just want answers. Is it my fault it happened this much? Is there something wrong with me? Why do I attract these people? I feel sooooo dirty and...idk. Is it my fault? If it is it would make sense...but I don't know.

[ForeverAutumn*]

Hey there -

Abuse is never, EVER the victim's fault. What happened to you was horrible, and you do not deserve to have gone through it, but no matter how many times it happened, it was not your fault. It's not easy to tell someone to stop when they're hurting you, especially when you're in a scary situation, and you didn't ask to be hurt. It was their fault - never yours.

There's nothing wrong with you. I'm not one of those people who believe everything happens for a reason. I think that, sometimes bad things happen for no reason. Bad people hurt little kids who can't defend themselves, or don't know how to say 'stop or 'no.' Bad things happen, but again - it is not your fault. You said the abuse stated when you were five.. no one should expect a five year old girl to understand what was going on. It's a scary situation for ANYONE to be in, let alone a little girl. Again, not your fault. The abuse was not your fault at all.

I could say it a hundred times - that it wasn't your fault - but I know it's something that's hard to believe, no matter how many times you hear it. When we're hurt, we want answers, you know? We want to know why it happened, we want to blame someone for hurting us, and sometimes that blame falls on ourselves. For you to truly believe that the abuse wasn't your fault, it's going to have to come from YOU. And, this is something that might take a while to understand and to believe - and that's okay. Everyone heals at their own pace, and you don't have to rush into recovery.

It sounds like you could benefit from talking to someone about this, especially if you've kept quiet about it for so long.. no one is going to think the abuse is your fault, okay? Not the police, not your friends, not your family. No one should blame you for what happened, and it's perfectly okay to talk to people about it.

Hang in there - you're so strong for making it this far. Take good care of yourself.

[desolatemind]

thank you. idk this is all just alot to deal with, especially since i did have one person say that it was my fault when i talked about one incident. i just want to be over all of this but i guess it takes time. i want the nightmares and everything to stop. i guess one day it will finally be over with.