Never clean.

[rebeccajane]

So, I've been raped and molested my entire life. I feel like that is the reason that i never ever feel clean. My showers are so long and i scrub at my skin a lot, trying so hard to get clean. I also change my clothes and bed sheets a lot. When i wear something, i throw it straight in the wash when i take it off. I don't wear things twice. Is anybody else like this? My mum gets so mad!

[ForeverAutumn*]

Hey Rebecca,

I used to do those things, too.. long showers twice a day, always washing my clothes, I did everything I could to make the dirty feeling go away, but I still never felt clean. It took a long time for me to stop feeling that way, because during that time I wasn't talking about the abuse or dealing with it, I pushed it to the back of my head and tried to forget. Maybe that's why you're feeling this way.. because you haven't fully come to terms with what happened, because you're not coping with it and so on. Whatever the reason though, I want you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way, and it's not an uncommon reaction to abuse. It's perfectly okay.

I definitely recommend talking to your mom about why you act the way you do. It's understandable if she gets upset and frustrated sometimes, if she doesn't know why you do these things. Telling someone about abuse is hard! It's really, really hard and I know talking to your mom about this might not be at the top of your fun-things-to-do list. But the sooner you talk to her, the sooner she'll understand the why behind your actions, and the more she'll try to help you with this.

If you aren't currently seeing someone already, then that's something else I suggest - counseling can be such a huge help in healing from abuse. Talking things through, letting out what you're thinking and feeling, can make you feel so much better because then it's not bottled up, you know? I think, as you come to terms with the abuse and advance in the healing process, the dirty feeling will start to fade.. it might still be there, but it won't be as strong.

Hang in there! And take really good care of yourself, let me know if you need anything.

[rebeccajane]

Originally Posted by ForeverAutumn*

I definitely recommend talking to your mom about why you act the way you do. It's understandable if she gets upset and frustrated sometimes, if she doesn't know why you do these things. Telling someone about abuse is hard! It's really, really hard and I know talking to your mom about this might not be at the top of your fun-things-to-do list. But the sooner you talk to her, the sooner she'll understand the why behind your actions, and the more she'll try to help you with this.

In a perfect world, that would be true My mum knows about the abuse. She knows why i am the way that i am, and why i do the things that i do. But i think shes stubborn about it. Wanting to pretend her children are normal, and getting mad when that comes out of place.

Originally Posted by ForeverAutumn*

If you aren't currently seeing someone already, then that's something else I suggest - counseling can be such a huge help in healing from abuse. Talking things through, letting out what you're thinking and feeling, can make you feel so much better because then it's not bottled up, you know? I think, as you come to terms with the abuse and advance in the healing process, the dirty feeling will start to fade.. it might still be there, but it won't be as strong.

I wish! Ive been in councilling for that since was about 12

[ForeverAutumn*]

That's understandable.. sometimes, when they don't know how to deal with something, people pretend nothing's wrong or that everything's okay, in the hopes the problem will resolve itself. Like if you bottle it back and keep it locked away, it won't be a problem anymore, you know? That's how parents cope sometimes, not because they don't care, but because they don't know how best to help and because it can be difficult to understand. It can be difficult to understand.

What if you brought your mom to a counseling session? Have a session where you and your mom can talk about your habits and the abuse, how it's affected you and how you feel about your mum's reaction to it? Your counselor can be like a mediator, to help your mom understand what's going through your head and to explain things that you might not be able to. Adults can be more likely to listen to other adults, especially when it comes to something this big. That might be worth giving a try.