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MiriamW Offline
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I'm not sure what this is... - September 2nd 2010, 01:17 AM

I posted something similar already in response to another thread... But I need to get it of my chest so here...
I'm 15... for 6-7 years my brother has touched me inappropriately, made me touch him.. etc. I was extremely sheltered as a child... But he was older, and I think in secondary school at the point when it started, so I assume he knew what he was doing.. it took a while for me to figure out .. not only did I feel bad and dirty about this.. but it was wrong.. It happened in evenings, and on holiday when the parents where out.
I stopped him from putting his hand up my top.. I think this was 3 years ago? On holiday. Since then he hasn't made another move. Out relationship has been terrible- we argue a lot, and he verbally and sometmes physically hurts me. Him and my other brother tend to team up on me calling me fat, a whore, saying stuff like "no man will ever love you" and "shut up or ill punch you in the face". Needless to say it wears me down.. Especially when my mother just laughs ( she is obsessed with control, and sees me as the family punchbag and my eldest brother as a saint) My father doesnt like the way the rest of yy family act- sometimes he tells them to back off, and when I was sobbing because of the teasing and tricking me, making me look as if i was hysterical (and beleive me, I was not, just emotional from 3 weeks of bullying non stop on holiday).. well he was the only one who was sympathetc and suggested we DIDNT eat in the crowded area of mcdonalds since i was still sobbing and it would be more embarassing for me.. but still he doesnt make my mother stop calling me names or trying to hit me (she used to be physically abusive when i was younger but is less now)... he is just not strong enough character
But anyway last year, me and my oldest brother had to share a hotel room last year, despite my pleading. As I was getting to sleep he gave me a "massage" and I didnt stop him when he touched me up.. I knew it was wrong and I didnt want it.. but I just cant say no.. and the next morning he told me to act as if it never happened..
Since then nothing else of that sort happened
But on holiday this year, my brothers were staying in a room adjoining to mine and I was very nervous... like I was skittish because I get very tense around them both now. Anyway it wasnt anything they did at frst, but the lack of privacy drove me nuts.. then constant teasing calling me a whore, fat, ugly, stupid... etc.
And then whenever I answered back they would be physically violent, and say I started trouble to my parents..
On one occasion my eldest brother came in to the room, and tipped all the objects off my desk onto the floor, moved around my clothes, knocked over the chair, just to irritate me. My mother came upstairs saying "Guests coming soon, tidy your room" I told her what my brother had just done and she started screaming at me about how I was so messy and slobbish and how I shouldnt act like that in front of guests and they will all think I'm a trashy english girl etc. I was visibly upset and told her she was crazy, ignoring the issue etc. My father came upstairs to hear the yelling, I told him the situation and my eldest brother was just laughing while the other one said "yeah, actually our mother is being a bitch... i admit for once eldest brother is in the wrong. this is just typical family though.. she (me) is the punchbag while he (eldest brother) can do no wrong"
my father looked concerned and told eldest brother to pick my stuff up but guests arrived and everybody conveniently forgot.
and well my eldest brothers going back to uni in 4 -5 weeks.. but I cant stand to be around him at all.. I feel uncomfortable around him, and when my mother talks about how perfect he is and how I should be more like him I get so upset- if I told my mother hed touched me up and stuff.. .well I think she would say I had asked him for it or something..
And I'm pretty sure.. yes I've been sexually abused, it's not my fault... But I can't help but feel ashamed and worry that it was my fault.. that I WAS asking for it.. And I just want to tell somebody.. but I dont want my friends to see me as a victim.. or a freak..
Furthermore, I worry if its messing with the way I interact with boys. In the past year I've had 4 boyfriends... and cheated, too. Whenever I get close to a person, I suddenly clam up and feel uninterested, like I can't stand them having feelings for me. I feel like I NEED somebody just to use me for sex.. I hate that they care... and I cant mix that with sexual things.. I feel like I dont deserve it / they deserve a nice girl.. so I just do something stupid and make silly excuses.

Okay this probably didnt make any sense but I wanted to get it off my chest... Thankfully in 3 years I can go to university... and then I will never see my mother or brothers again. But in the meanwhile I hope my head doesnt explode with the stress from living in the same house as them.
Oh and in other news, I have suffered with an obsession with food- calorie counting, throwing up if I ate too much, for about 3-4 years... I also used to scratch myself with safety pins... and I now shred the skin off my body (my feet, so it hurts when I walk) because of my need for the skin to be "smooth" (irrational, since now the skin is raw and red and shredded unevenly) . I dont know if they are related... I read online that promiscuity and strange eating habits often come with sexual abuse... so I guess thats just my way of dealing with things... Or my eating habits could be an affect of my parent's own difficulties with weight and food.. And I dont know why I'm saying this.. Just want to let it all out at once.

And I really want some help.. or somebody I can talk to without worrying they will tell anybody else
   
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Kara396 Offline
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Re: I'm not sure what this is... - September 2nd 2010, 01:40 AM

Please PM me and I will be glad to talk to you! I am kinda in the same boat as you are. I can totally understand if you don't want to talk to a stranger about this, but if you'd like to give me a chance then send me a message.
Stay strong!


"Will he love you like I loved you? Will he tell you everyday? Will he make you feel invincible with every word he'll say?" <3

"Love" is an abused word. Don't continue to abuse it.

Things get better. Maybe not soon. But they will.

I love you. I say this because even if you're a stranger, you deserved to be loved.
   
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Re: I'm not sure what this is... - September 2nd 2010, 01:41 AM

Thanks, I'll PM you, and honestly I just need to talk with somebody... and a stranger would be so much better than somebody who I know who will hold it against me.
   
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Re: I'm not sure what this is... - September 3rd 2010, 07:13 PM

Hey Miriam,

I just want to reinforce that the abuse was NOT your fault, no matter what anyone might tell you or hint at, whether or not you said 'no' to your brother every time he hurt you, the abuse was not your fault. Anyone who tells you the abuse was your fault doesn't know what they're talking about and probably has never been through what you have - so they don't understand how difficult and terrifying it can be to be hurt so badly by a family member.

If you don't think anyone in your family is going to believe you or help you.. is there anyone else you can stay with for a little while? Another relative, a friend, a teacher, anyone? It's very important that you get out of this house, because it seems like a very unsafe environment to be in. As scary as it will be to talk about what your home life is like, you need to tell someone what's going on so you can get help, and so you can get away from them and hopefully begin the healing process.

You don't deserve to be treated this way, you shouldn't have to live in fear of your brother or be hurt by your family. You deserve so, so much more.

When it comes to relationships and being uninterested.. this is something I've struggled with too, because of past abuse. Before you enter another relationship, take a step back and think about whether or not you're stable to cope with this. Whether you're mentally able to handle a relationship, whether you're ready to be involved with someone and so on. If you really trust the guy, it might be a good idea to let him know that in the past you were abused (you don't have to go into any details if you aren't comfortable doing so!) and that you're still trying to cope with it and come to terms with it, and that it's still affecting you. If the guy is worth it, he'll understand and want to help you through it, and he'll also wait until you're completely ready to enter a relationship. When it comes to relationships after abuse, it's best to take things slow and again, make sure you're totally ready before you dive into anything.

Let me know if you want to talk, okay? It's a hard position to be in and you shouldn't have to be alone with something like this, ever. I strongly recommend finding someone in your real-life to talk to about this as well, like a teacher or guidance counselor, someone who can help you get away from your family and the abuse. Best of luck and take really good care of yourself.



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Re: I'm not sure what this is... - September 3rd 2010, 10:32 PM

Thank you so much, your words meant more to me than you will know xx
I just told my best friend... she has been SO supportive, I think it will be good to have one friend who knows whats going on or why I might sometimes behave strangely.
And there is a family member who I know would support me.. but I don't want them to know... and they are in no condition to support me (broke and ill).. they would go over the edge if they found out and I dont want them to go through that (they are so close to my brothers) so I'm just going to sit tight for the next 3 years
Thanks xx
   
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