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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ItalianBbae Offline
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Name: Erika
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She abused me and now I'm still suffering. - October 24th 2010, 07:23 PM

My ex-best friend is also my ex-girlfriend. When we were together she controlled every part of my life. I wasn't allowed to hang out with any of my old friends and I could only talk to them if I was home and she didn't know I was talking to them. I had to hang out with her and all of her friends every weekend, but I was never allowed to talk to them or hang out with any of them if she wasn't there. She'd guilt me into doing anything by saying if I didn't do it then I really didn't love her. If we got into a fight about anything, which was multiple times a day, she'd always turn it on me and call me a b***h. Make me apologize over and over and I would cry every day because I felt worthless. She'd force me to over eat and I ended up gaining kind of a lot of weight. She'd make me watch horror movies even though she knew I was scared. And she'd make me lie to my parents just so I could hang out with her, because if I didn't then she'd be like, "Fine I didn't want to hang out with you anyways." or "i was looking forward to my best friend going but, nope, whatever, do what you want. It's not like I even matter in your life." And then when I'd tell her that she does matter she'd tell me that I have to go then. After she broke up with me for a guy, she made me stay friends with her. I watched her get used by guys for 3 months and would tell her the guy was no good, but she'd just turn it on me that I wasn't over her and that I should just move on because she never loved me anyways. Idk. Its just all so confusing and hard to remember because I blocked some memories. She bossed me around, lied to me, and made me feel worthless. Everyone told me she was abusive, but it took me months to realize it and my friends are still telling me that she really effed me up. I recently started college and its so hard for me to make friends because I'm afraid of being hurt like this again. I have a new friend who introduced me to her best friend and is so happy that we get along and I;m like afraid of like talking to that girl because I'm terrified I'll mess up my friendships. Idk I can't move one and realize that not everyone will hurt me like this girl did. I can't understand that she messed up, not me. And now I live in fear of doing something to bother my friends and loose the friendship. :/
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Re: She abused me and now I'm still suffering. - October 25th 2010, 05:20 AM

Hey there, Erika.

I'm sorry you went through an abusive relationship like that. I can imagine it's very hard to deal with.

What happened and the way she treated you was not your fault, though, okay? You didn't deserve that at all and you are in no way worthless. She is the abuser and the only one to blame.

I really think you would benefit from talking with a counselor. I know that can be a scary thought, but they can really help us to work through things. You don't have to go through this all alone.

After an abusive relationship it can be really difficult to trust and open up again. A counselor can help you work on that and feel better about yourself. You deserve to feel whole and not afraid.

I hope you are doing okay right now. You can always PM me if you want to talk.
<3 Emily

"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: She abused me and now I'm still suffering. - October 26th 2010, 03:16 PM

Thanks Emily .
And I know it would be beneficial to talk to a counselor but I kind of can't because my family doesn't know we dated. They just thought we were best friends who got into a fight. And most of my friends that I talk to now all think it was a controlling friendship. Theres only one person left in my life who knows the truth so its difficult. My friends understand my trust and acceptance issues as a result form this controlling "friendship" but not my fear of relationships, because to them I've never been in one. :/
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: She abused me and now I'm still suffering. - October 26th 2010, 07:14 PM

Hey Erika,

I think a large part of why you're having trouble healing from the abuse - why the memories are confusing, why it's difficult to get close with others and so on - is because you've blocked a lot out, and because you're not letting yourself work through all the conflicting thoughts and feelings you're pushing away. Believe it or not, that can make a HUGE difference in the healing process. See, when you're not coping with something, that problem doesn't magically go away on its own (as much as we'd like it to!). It just grows; the feelings become stronger, the thoughts become more confusing, and over time it just gets harder and harder to push it all away. The longer you block it out, the longer you're going to be affected by this and the harder it's going to be when you finally have to face it.

That being said, I agree wholeheartedly with Emily's suggestion about counseling. Counseling is very beneficial when it comes to dealing with repressed emotions and memories; it's a safe environment in which you can work through what's in your head. A safe place to talk it out, to face all the hard memories and feelings, and to deal with it in a healthy way.

Because you're eighteen, your parents technically do not have to know you're seeing a counselor. I think it would be helpful if you were honest with them about your relationship with your friend, as scary as it may be to talk about it. You can get help without them knowing, but it will certainly be easier with them in the loop. You may also want to check into any counseling services offered by your school or college - again, because you're a legal adult, your parents don't have to be informed if you don't want them to be.

I'm here if you need anything, okay? Healing from abuse is hard, but what happened was not your fault in any way. Abuse is never, ever the victim's fault. Your ex had no right to treat you this way, and it definitely was not fair for you to have to go through that. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.

how could anyone ever tell you, you are anything less than beautiful?| PM Me
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Philomath Offline
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Re: She abused me and now I'm still suffering. - October 26th 2010, 07:23 PM

Hey Erica,

I think you should try and get counseling for this. I know, because I was abused when I was younger, that it is extremely hard to open up to people and to trust them. I think counseling would help you out with this you could learn how to build relationships with people and other things as well, such as how to deal with your feelings and your memories that you have of her and the memories you have blocked out. Talking with a counselor might make you nervous at first, but gaining the counselor's trust and knowing that everything you discuss is confidential is important and I think will help you in learning to make relationships.
Also, you don't have to tell your parents all the reasons you want to go to counseling, you can tell them you want to go to learn to get over not having your best friend anymore and how to deal with making new friends and finding a new best friend, which would be accurate, you don't have to bring up the abuse or the fact that the two of you were in a relationship at all. If they ask for specific details, you don't have to give them all the details, because you have the right to keep some things to yourself and tell them some things, just let them know you feel you need help in dealing with this. Also, you could go without them knowing, your over 18 so you don't need there permission to go to counseling, you could look for counselors in your area and make your own appointments, if paying for the counseling would be a problem, you could talk to a counselor at your school for help, they can help with many things and this may be an area they can help with.
i hope this has helped.
If you ever need anything, you can PM me, I always have room for PM's.

"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."

Last edited by Philomath; October 26th 2010 at 07:28 PM.
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Re: She abused me and now I'm still suffering. - October 26th 2010, 08:05 PM

Thanks both of you.
I actually don't need help finding a new best friend because after I got away from my ex I was able to get closer with the girl who was my best friend since 5th grade. A girl my ex never let me see because my ex hated her. And its kind of weird. Like i don't have problems trusting people at first, actually I think I trust people too easily. But once I let them in I'm so afraid I'll scare them away. And once I realize I trusted the wrong person I back off and sort of push them away. Because I'm afraid of being outted. Not about the relationship, because like I said, theres almost no one left in my life who knew. But outted about other things, like cutting. :/ Idk. Sorry if it seems like I'm just rambling.
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