This is hard to write.

[i_like_black]

Well.
At the end of last year (being 2010), I finally properly ended a relationship I had with this girl. We were on and off for three years. And I'm glad to be out of it. But there's heavy repercussions from having been in it in the first place.

I never thought I'd be in an abusive relationship so it came as a shock that I was in one. And as a result I spent most of the relationship in denial. So I spent most of three years believing this girl when she told me something about myself, and thinking that every time she hurt me, I'd been the one in the wrong.

Mostly it was emotional abuse. Or deliberately ignoring me. Or messing with how I felt. Or arguing because she liked to feel like she was in control.
Sometimes she would hurt me physically though. Not much. She hit me once, and I hit back. I heard about it for weeks, how I shouldn't have hit her, how I shouldn't have done whatever it was to make her angry. Another memorable time was when she hit me repeatedly on the head with a TV remote. It was irritating. I asked her to stop, she said it was funny and continued. It hurt so I got up and left her alone with the TV. And the time that hurt the most was when she threw her cellphone at me. My thumb joint was swollen for a week, it hurt at work. I didn't tell anyone what happened. I never reported it. I thought I'd just get laughed at, or turned away, as there wasn't really any evidence.

The thing is, I spent so long letting someone tear me down, that I don't know what to expect of people. I keep expecting people to treat me like dirt. Expecting them to act nice and then turn around and be horrible. Expecting them to build me up just for the fun of tearing me down.

The relationship I had with her has damaged my relationships with other people. I don't really trust what anyone says any more. If people give me compliments, I accept them, then go home and think about all the negative things she would say.

She deliberately made it so I had less contact with my friends and family - she would tell me things like how she knew my family "hated" her, and how she didn't want to see them. She would assume I wanted relationships with my friends, and would mock me terribly, asking who I'd had sex with. She distanced me from those people who cared about me most and could have helped me. I don't know if she did it on purpose. I know I didn't realise that's what she was doing until it was too late.

And now I'm totally messed up. I don't know how to react to new people. I panic when people are nice to me for no reason.
And I don't know what I'm asking for I guess.
But it's hard to actually say that yes - I was in an abusive relationship

[Dee Kaur]

Jess, you're already on the road to recovery because 1. you've walked away from what sounds like a terrible manipulative, cruel and controlling individual and 2. you can now see what she was doing to you and how she's damaged your life. Believe me when I say it takes a hell of a lot more courage to walk away from something like that then it does to stay and put up with it.

You already know where she's still impacting your life and that's good because you're no longer in denial. I know you're feeling immense pain and probably a lot of anger but you've already come so far and that is an amazing achievment.

Do your family know about what she's put you through? And your friends, they love and care about you and it's these people who you need around you now to help rebuild your self confidence and self worth. Perhaps speaking to a few people and maybe sharing what you've shared with us would be worth trying? I do think you should speak with a trusted counsellor as they'll be able to help you with your thoughts and feelings and find a way forward.

It's only natural that you're wary of everyone you meet at the moment so don't feel bad about that. It's going to take time for you to be able to trust anyone again so don't rush yourself. You're so brave and strong and you should just focus on not letting your ex continue to overshadow your life and claim it back for yourself.

Since you and your ex split have you told her how you feel and what you think of her? If not then maybe it's something you should think about doing? Maybe not face to face as I don't think she deserves that much courtesy from you but perhaps in an e-mail or a letter? It can help draw a line under the whole episode and give you back control. It's just something to think about.

[heart_of_yang]

Jesse i am glad you were finnaly able to realize you were abused and that are a good person.

[**Ordinary Day**]

Ah wow I'm so impressed by this really. I was in an abusive relationship for a long time in which I had no idea what was happening until about six months after I finally figured out that I had been hurt. You have made a ton of progress that usually takes people MONTHS to make.

The emotional and physical abuse she put you through is bound to make anyone react exactly the way you are. It is going to take a while for you to realize that not everyone will treat you terribly. I can't give you techniques on how exactly you go about doing that but stand strong and I promise it will get better.

PM me if you need anything!

[Cabron]

You're so strong. I'm so proud of you for sharing this--it shows that you recognize what that relationship was and that you deserve more than that. The fact that you were in an abusive relationship doesn't mean that you were weak, or that it was your fault in any way, shape or form. It means that you were sucked into something that you couldn't control. Talk to your family and friends about what happened to you. Get a counselor if need be. Recovery from this ordeal IS possible. No matter what you think, people still care about you. They aren't going to look down on you because you were in a bad relationship. If anyone does, I'd say that they're the bad person--not you. Stay strong. I'm always around, so drop me a PM.