Triggering: I really don't know anymore.

[emiloowho]

this is incredibly long and involves self harm/suicide and molestation.




This is a really hard story to tell. It's something that I struggle to talk about to people because it makes me feel really weird and I don't really like it.
When I was little, around 4-6, my mom babysat this boy down the road. He wasn't much older than me. He started touching me and it made me feel scared, most of the time. Sometimes I wouldn't understand it and it would make me giggle or I thought it was funny, but I slowly started to notice that it wasn't right. My parents figured it out soon enough. and they stopped watching him. Well, a few weeks later, we got a note on our doorstep from the chief of police. It had the same little boys fathers face on it and said he was a sex offender, who'd been charged with rape. He was a scary man and I always hated him. Years later, his son got caught raping a little boy at the court house. He would always leer at me at school. and I knew what he did to me and I just hated him for scaring me all the time.

I don't tell people about that because they don't think it counts, because of his age. but I don't remember half of my childhood because of him. I started having nightmares. Where men would come into my room and do things to me and I got scared. I remember I was about 7 or 8 and I decided to finally tell my mom. I told her a man kept coming into my room. And I don't know what I said to make her think but she thought I meant my brother was coming in there and doing things to me. She screamed at him, that night. and my dad was bawling and they called him so many mean things. and he was crying telling them he wouldn't do that to me and I just stood there. I just stood there and didn't say anything. I was an idiot. I was so scared and I didn't know what I was doing.

My mom started coming to my room every night. She'd lift the blankets, make sure I was dressed. I couldn't sleep. I developed insomnia. She'd cry and beg me to tell her what happened and to not lie to her. and I just didn't know what to say. I begged her to just stop. She kept coming back, kept telling me I was stupid or she'd be really nice and ask me to please tell her. I know she was scared but it didn't help me feel better.
One day, I went into a room with my brother. I was wearing these pants with a broken zipper. When we came out, she dragged me to the side and demanded to know what happened. I don't remember what she said but it made me cry. I was about 8, going on 9, I believe.
I ran to my room and did the only thing that made sense to me. I took a scarf off my floor, tied it around my neck and pulled until I passed out. I would write suicide notes. Telling my mom I was sorry for ruining everything. but I could never do it, I could never kill myself. I started cutting. I would cut these x's into my chest.
I don't know why, I just liked it. She found them and got mad at me.
I started getting interested in sex around this time.
I thought about it, and I didn't really know what it was. but I would do things to myself and I thought it felt good. I was so messed up.

And then when I was 12, before my brother moved out, my mom caught me awake one night and pulled me into the bathroom with her and she said, "Do you really want to be the only 6th grader with a baby?"
And I just couldn't take it. I wrote a note and I tried to suffocate myself again.

I started cutting my hips after that. I got even more interested in sex. I started masturbating.

I've always had these weird thoughts. About things that happened to me.
things that are really sick. I think someone did something really bad to me and I don't remember. I think it had to do with animals. Dogs. and it makes me sick and I'm crying really bad right now because what if I'm not a virgin or what if someone did something disgusting to me. I'm sorry this is so long.

[Emily.]

Hey there,

I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this. It sounds like your life this far has been full of a lot of confusing and scary situations. Have you ever talked with a professional about everything that's gone on and the dreams and thoughts you've had? I really think you could benefit from it a lot.

Sometimes we all need that extra bit of help to get through things and you definitely don't deserve to have to go through all of this on your own. You might try asking your parents if you can talk with a therapist. You don't even have to tell them why. Just that your struggling and would really like to talk with a professional. Or you could talk with your school counselor. Even if you're out for the summer you can still call and ask to be put in touch with him/her.

Reach out and get some help. You do not have to go through all of this on your own. If you're comfortable with it, I think it would be a good idea to talk to your parents about how your feeling, too. Maybe you could write them a long letter explaining everything? Just let it all out.

I hope you're doing okay right now and you can PM me anytime if you want to talk. Take care of yourself.
<3 Emily

[nobodyinparticular]

hi.
It sounds like what you a going through is really tough. You say that you tried to explain to your mom that a man came into your room, does she still not understand? Is she still suspicious of your brother? Even when they had "figured it out soon enough and they stopped watching him"- the boy who was assaulting you? Even though he was underaged it doesn't make what he did any better. He had no right to do it.
I definitely think that you should speak to some one about what happened, even your parents.
Good luck. feel free to PM me.

[emiloowho]

I know she's still suspicious and it makes it awkward because he has kids now.
and I want to talk to her, I do. She just gets so mad at me when I try to tell her it didn't happen.

[BethanyAnn]

First I am sorry you went through this at a young age, and that now you are still suffering... But this has gone on fat to long don't you think? I think it is time to tell tell your mother no matter how mad she gets, she needs the truth, and this has to hurt and suck really bad but no matter the tears and anger, or the fights, it will feel a million times better if you just get it all out, and once you do that you are ready for therapy, you don't really wanna walk into therapy having not told your mom cause the therapist will just say you need to tell your mom and talk to her and all he/she can do is prepare you for that, but if you tell your mom first then, it will make therapy A LOT easier, and maybe once you tell your mom she will more than likely put you in therapy I don't know a parent that wouldn't.... But yes your really need to see a professional and talk about this... And making this thread is the first step and it took a lot of courage for you to do this, but atleast now you realize there is a problem and it needs to be fixed.. Thats the first step and it take a strong person like you to even come out and I have no doubt in my mind that you will pull through this and that you can move on with your life....

[becklynn]

I am so sorry about everything you had to go through. But I would really suggest telling your parents. Your parents really seem to care about you and they would understand. I know that you want to keep everything inside but trust me, once you tell them, you will be so glad and you will be relieved. Good luck with everything. Din't be afraid to PM me if you need to talk.