Non-PG13 (Strong Language): incrediblyyyy LONG, but PLEASEEE help me... was a sexually abused as a child???

[Mary00]

VERY VERYYY GRAPHIC - my apologies in advanced... I don't know how else to tell this story.. Plus... it's 2 1/2 whole pages on a word document... so sorry... I know it's long...

Lately I've been wondering if maybe I was abused at around 4 years of age (approximately), though I have no memory of it...

16 Reasons Why I THINK I Was Sexually Abused:

1. The only physical sign seemed to be the fact that I used to get a lot of urinary tract infections when I was younger.

2. When I was about 6 or 7 ish I would take a shower and turn the water as hot or as cold as I could stand, then turn the shower sprayer to face uh...down there... and stay that way as long as possible... Sometimes though I'd be able to stay such a long time in the cold water that it stayed numb for a really long time... so long that I was afraid I'd caused u,, permanent damage. Then I would get scared... but no permanent damage was ever actually done...

3. At around that same age I'd go an take a shower but bring these pink, plastic cups that looked like wine glasses into the shower with me. They were just children's toys, the type you would get in a set of plastic dinner items. But anyway I would bring them with me and, uh, pee in them. Then I'd pretend to drink the pee... (I know it's sick but I never actually did. I'd pour it out in front of me... just pretend...).

4. Also around this age I'd run around the house naked while my parents slept... and we had three dogs... So I'd run up to each of the dogs and reveal myself to them and force myself to hold that position of exposure for a certain number of seconds regardless if the house was cold or not. Like, for instance, I'd press my breasts (or lack thereof) towards their face, or open the uh, yeah, uh, I'd open up the lips of down there and hold myself in that position for a set time period. Or sometimes, I'd go and d that in front of a window... The cars would sometimes past, but not many on our road. We lived more towards the rural though so luckily it wasn't many.

5. Once, when I was doing this, I went into my parents’ room. I was spinning completely naked in front of my mom while she slept (I know it's sick I'm sorry....) and anyway, she woke up... Luckily I was facing her and by some stroke of luck managed to duck down so only my head was in her vision by the time her eyes adjusted (she had a tall bed, I was short, it didn't take much). She was going to walk me back to my bed but instead I just sat their begging for her to just give me a blanket because I was cold and to go back to bed. Finally, half-asleep, she agreed. I barely made it out of there...

6. This one makes no sense at all to me... but I think it might still be significant. I remember there were times when I would go on the other side of my bed and sit down in the corner (out of view from the door so if my parents looked in they wouldn't see). I would sit down and stay in my underwear and try to force myself to wet myself, yet try to control it so that I only went a little tiny bit (easy to clean up so mom wouldn't find out). I barely remember this but I know it happened at least on a couple occasions, and it seems too odd to NOT be of any significance...

7. I heard some sexually abused children have imaginary friends and, well, I did too. But mine weren't like normal imaginary friends. I pretended they made me do all of those things above. And they were so real to me I called them spirits, not imaginary friends. I of course knew they couldn’t truly force me to do anything physically, but I still did as they said. My imaginary friends stayed with me for years... until I was AT LEAST 12. I'm not sure exactly when they faded. As I got older they started to only trigger when I was really lonely, but when I was younger they were alwayyyys there... (Yes, I am definitely over that stage now, don't worry...)

8. When I was 8 or 9 ish I also remember playing with Barbies or Polly Pockets and making them do sexual things... and I think... I THINK (I'm not sure this time) that I remember making Ken rape/molest Barbie and the children (or maybe not that far, if we get down to specifics I think he just sexually assaulted them)...

9. When I was about 12 years old I went through a pretty severe depression. I had started maturing and I HATED the zits even though they weren't that bad. I HATED the hair down there and I HATED the new form I was getting (I ended up only hating that in between stage, I feel perfectly fine in my body now but still...) I went through days where I refused to go to school so mom really had no choice but to let me stay home. I know a lot of kids hit really hard times when they went through puberty, but until I got used to it mine hit me very, very hard.

10. I've been through many short bouts of anorexia and bulimia after I hit about 13 years old (it really set in a lot at 14 years old though). Sometimes I'd go a few weeks eating [Edited by Fierce] calories or so a day while still burning [Edited by Fierce] calories daily. There were a couple times between the anorexia phases though when I felt so fat and ugly that I'd purge after just a medium sized binge (though I HATE purging).

11. In 7th grade (about 13 years old) when everyone else was building relationships and kissing guys my best guy friend would flirt with me on the bus and touch my legs but I would completely freeze up. I loved the attention but physical contact makes me freeze. I love being close but it actually makes me nervous past the point of what is normal when someone touches me in a romantic/sexual way (even if it is fairly innocent). I would constantly pull away from my friend even though he was just flirty, regardless of the fact I liked him back and he was also too innocent to want sex at that time too.

12. I didn't even hug a guy until 8th grade (except now I always do). I can be incredibly social and have seven guys who like me at the moment but I can't get emotionally/physically close to anyone. At the start of freshman year (I was about 14 1/2 years old) I had a guy put his arm around me for the first time I literally started shaking. Thank god it was freezing out; I played it off as the shivers.

14. I am now 15 years old and my boyfriend is the only guy who is different... I trust him. I can cuddle close and only tremble a couple of times, but always pull away if he starts kissing my neck too much. It took the whole movie of his assurances that everything would be okay for me to agree to let him kiss me on the lips... the WHOLE movie... I was shaking afterwards... not noticeably but my lips trembled... my legs were shaky and I didn't want to let him go...

15. I've noticed it's really hard for me to look into people's eyes too... My boyfriend has even noticed... He keeps asking me to look in his eyes but it's so hard to hold his gaze I ALWAYS turn away... He will cover his lips though and it helps sooo much. I don't know how he came up with this idea, but he is wonderful. He will hold his palm to his mouth (basically in the "speak no evil" pose) and gaze into my eyes. I still turn away after a moment, but it does help a bit...

16. Without me ever mentioning it, before we even went out, before he realized just how uncomfortable intimacy makes me, my boyfriend had asked me on two occasions if I had ever been sexually abused. I had never even brought up the subject... I had suspected it, but never once have I brought it up to anyone. He suspected it on his own volition...


The more I go on the more I notice how this is all not normal... what is wrong with me? If it is a suppressed/repressed memory how can I remember the whole thing? I want to know what happened. More than anything else I truly need to know if something did happen to me... This can't all be normal right?

And no, I can't go to a therapist. We have no money for one and anyway I would never, EVER tell my parents I needed to see one for ANYTHING. Please don't question this... I just won't. Unless a memory suddenly reveals itself and I know for CERTAIN something happened I refuse to say anything at all to my parents...

Please, knowing all of this... any advice???

[Anthony1323]

Hmmm...I may have a theory. My last relationship was with a girl who had been sexually abused as a child and had a lot of the same signs. My idea is that you probably were, and that it may have been by a trusted family member. I'm not sure, this is just experience.

[Mary00]

Any ideas on how to make the memory come back..? I know so many people want to forget, or are grateful they can't remember... but I need to know. I just... I can't stand this...

If I remembered things would make sense, at this point I can't stand the uncertainty... I want it all to come flooding back at me...

How ???

[Rooni3]

This may sound really off but I learned in a Psychology class that memories can be repressed/forgotten because it was too painful to deal with. Hypnotizing is a technique used by therapists to bring these buried memories to light. Yes it probably sounds crazy but in cases like this, it may help.

[blumemusik♫]

Yes, you could be suffering from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) where your mind is trying to forget what happened because it was too stressful for you to cope with.

As for recovering those memories, I'm not sure how to, sorry, but I've heard that certain things can prompt memories. Like, someone could say something which would trigger a memory that you'd forgotten.

The signs you've listed above certainly make it seem likely, and even the pure fact that you think you MAY have been sexually assaulted is a hint that you have.

I hope everything's okay, and if you ever need to vent, or just chat, I'm here, you can PM me any time <3

[monkuar]

Originally Posted by Rooni3

This may sound really off but I learned in a Psychology class that memories can be repressed/forgotten because it was too painful to deal with. Hypnotizing is a technique used by therapists to bring these buried memories to light. Yes it probably sounds crazy but in cases like this, it may help.

First of all, hypnotization is fake, and Psychology class is taught by a professor right?

Who is a professor? somone appointed by the school board, so unless you have a Name of your professor to give us??

[Rooni3]

It's not fake if you believe it, it's a process. Obviously if you don't want it to happen or don't believe it, it won't work.

[bipolar]

it sounds like you could've been. i have been abused sexually, but not as a kid. in fact its still happening now. although, some of the things remind me of my disorder. i'm bipolar. and in manic state, sexual willingness is higher. in other words, you have a lot more sexual urges. you should find out more about the disease, and find out if you have a lot of the symptoms because although its unlikely its a possibility.