Triggering: I Was Molested...

[Intoxication]

Involves self-harm, suicide, molestation, and rape. Also could be triggering, and vulgar. Please, take note of this... I don't want to do that to anyone.

When I was 7, I lived in Texas with my brother, my sister, my dad, and my stepmom. They would both come home from work around 5:00, 5:30, so we were home alone, just the three of us, for a few hours. My brother would start asking me to come into the bathroom with him, and he would barge in when I was in there and stay in there even when I told him to get out. He would pull down my pants and just look. Sometimes he'd touch. He would feel under my shirt, and sometimes revealed himself and ask me to touch him. I was 7, and he was 10. I didn't know what he was doing. I didn't know it was wrong.
When the three of us moved to Arizona in 2005, the molestation continued. He would go into my room and tell me to give him lap dances, or he'd lay on my bed and straddle me. He would pull down my pants and squeeze my rear, and touch my front. He would squeeze my chest, and would ask me if I wanted to "do" him. He would offer to put a sandwich bag over... it... because he was 11 and didn't have any condoms. I said no, of course, but he kept asking. He would straddle me and lay down on me, and he'd smother me. He would ask me to lift up my shirt while he had his johnson out and he would masturbate while looking at my chest. It was sickening to see his eyes get wide and hear him make all kinds of noises. Then he got my stepbrother to do it, too. They would make me stuff my bra and shake my rear, and they would take pictures. He would ask me to get him hot, to give him a boner.
It was found out, reported, and he was removed in May of 2008- four years after it started. I was 11, and he was 14.
I couldn't deal with it, so in October of 2008, I started cutting. The summer after his removal (to my dad's house in Texas while my twin and I stayed at our mom's in Arizona) I started thinking of suicide. I just wanted to slit my wrists, or drown myself in the pool, or overdose on pills, hang myself, anything. I couldn't deal with him saying I wasn't pretty because I couldn't make him come, that I wasn't sexy because I wouldn't give it away to him. That I was fat, and I walked like an elephant. That I was ugly and my chest was too small. I was his plaything. Just his little toy.
Recently I started having flashbacks. The way he smelled, and the look on his face when he would get "hot" came flooding into my mind when I accidentally saw a nude picture of a man on Google. (You know, when you type in something and you get some other stuff you didn't ask for? It was an accident, I never meant to see it.) I started having intense feelings of anger. "If I see him, I'll kill him. I wanna shoot his balls off. I wanna cut off his... you know... I wanna make him cry. I want him to be out on the streets when he turns 18 and gets thrown out of the group home. I want him to feel pain."
I have incredibly low self esteem due to this, and I constantly think I'll never be good enough for a guy... I don't know what to do...

[BethanyAnn]

I am soo sorry this happen to you, but you don't need to feel this way and he is the insecure one to even do that to you... He can say all those mean things to you but you were 7 and 8 of course you weren't sexy, or well developed and he is a sick person... But that doesn't mean your not a beautiful person I am sure you have always been a beautiful person and you will always be, but you don't need to beat yourself up and cut yourself or harm yourself because of 2 low people... You are beautiful and you do have worth and you deserve to be an amazing person... You might need to go see a therapist for a few yrs but you cannot let this define you at all... You deserve to move on and past this... but in the mean time of getting help which I highly suggest you need to keep yourself busy you really do and when you think about cutting or harming yourself just go run and run and run running helps a lot... But you need to ask your mother to go see a professional and it is normal to look at guys with hate, and I am sorry that brought back so much, but not every guy is like that... PM me if you need anything