Opinion please: dream or reality? extremely long but please bear with me

[Ann2012]

I have to warn you, this will be descriptive. I need to tell someone the whole story and this is the only place I feel I can.


I have this memory of being sexually abused by my brother. I was probably about 7 (or in first grade and he was probably late middle school/early high school). Anyway, it started out as his friend brought porn over and he, my sister, the friend and I all watched it as my sis and I were messing with a back messager. After everyone left my bro asked me if I wanted to try what they did on the tape, I said yes. So almost every night we would do things. One night he came on my chest and I had no idea what it was, then another night we were in the van and he wanted to do something and I said it was okay only if he used his tongue but he tricked me and used his finger, it was incredibly painful. I can remember his heavy body on top of mine and one time he made me get on top. I remember he had. Me give him a bj but I didn't know how so I bit him and he got mad. He and I did these things at my grandparents house too. One time in particular he, his friend and I were in a camper playing truth or dare and I was naked and my brother put me on top of his friend who was holding his penis up. Later I got yelled at because "I wasn't supposed to look". Then the night it ended my sister walked in on us and got suspicious, after I was taking a shower and my sister cornered me and demanded what was going on. I told her and she sent me into the living room where my mom was and made me tell her. I told her by saying "blah blah blah and I have been doibg porn" the whole time I was bawling. She then called my dad and he hurried home. They talked and my sister and I stayed together in our room. My brother then went to live with ny grandparents for a while

I'm not sure if this is a dream or reality. What do you think?

In elementary and middle school I would tell my friends that I had a secret I could only tell my husband (referring to this), I used to make my dolls have sex, when I was younger i didnt think you could see where j was looking and would stare at men's privates, I've had dreams of being drugged and abused (I know for sure that one was a dream), I slept with my mom until I was 14, I would hold a massager to my privates in secret from elementary school clear up to middle school (I stopped because I got caught), and last year my brother said something about he has only 1 secret and it's funny because I know it but I'm unaware that I know it. Oh and I was doing some research on sexual abuse and repressed memories (I know repressed memories aren't real) and my dad saw the history and wanted to know why I was looking those things up and it's extremely hard for me to get close to someone or even trust them. When I'm dating someone I can't even look at their face or into their eyes.

My family never talks about it and a weird awkwardness fills the air when rape is mentioned, that could just be me though. It also could be because my cousin was raped. My brother was born with problems and functions as a child still... when this happened, if it happened I would of been around 7 years old and I didn't even know it was called sex.

What do you guys think? Dream or real? I've shared things here I've never shared with anyone. I'm sorry it's so long, I just needed to tell someone all the things I remembered. I'm afraid people would think I'm disgusting and/or a freak if they found out. I'm sorry if this is confusing too. I just don't understand why a child would have a dream about being sexually abused... but I don't know

[nobodyinparticular]

Well, I think that it could be real.
Did your brother actually live with your grandparents or are you unsure about that to? Because if he did, that would probably confirm your suspicions.
If this did happen, I wasn't your fault and there is nothing disgusting or freaky about you.
Also, have you ever considered just asking your parents, or sister or grandparents or brother straight out? I know how scary the prospect it is, but it is the only way of finding out for sure, if being unsure/confused really bothers you.

[Ann2012]

I've considered it but I don't think I'm strong enough to. I just don't have the guts to. Him moving out would be part of the dream if it wasn't real, I know it happened in my dream or real life.

My brother had a history of fighting us and anger issues, he would beat me up. My mom was abusive too, emotionally and verbally. My sister and dad are all I have now and I can't ask them.