21 and attracted to much younger girls, help!

[Anonymousey]

When I was younger, maybe about 7, I was molested by my brother. He never hurt me or anything, but he would get me involved with doing sexual things to him. I still talk to him to this day and I don't think he knows that I remember but I forgave him a long time ago.

I also had special feelings for girls of the same age when I was about 12, both sexually and emotionally. I had many sexual encounters with these girls though I never had intercourse with any of them.

I grew up in many homes for youth because I was a troublesome child and my parents couldn't handle taking care of me. I sometimes wonder if maybe I developed some kind of loneliness depression or separation anxiety and maybe this could be a result of my problem. I also have often thought about trying to kill myself though I have never tried...I just don't have the heart. I think to myself sometimes that I'd be doing myself and many others a favor if I did, and maybe the world would be a better place without sick people like me in it.

I have also never really been in a relationship with a girl or ever had sex. Though I'm not sure why, I'm just never around any girls to meet. I enjoy to be alone often so I just stay home when I'm not at work. I wish I could meet someone my age, I think it would help me with my problems but I haven't had any luck with finding that special someone.

Now don't laugh at me please, this is my confession: when I was about 14 I got caught inappropriately 'touching' my 5 year old relative. She kinda ratted me out to her parents and they went to the police. The police said I was probably just experimenting and curious and they let me go without any action taken against me. Only touching was involved, I never hurt her or had intercourse with her. If she ever told me to stop I would. I would never do anything to hurt her. Mind you I haven't seen her since, and it's been about 7 years. I miss her so much and I don't know if she still loves me or even wants me to be in her life and I feel terrible. The opportunity has come many times to reunite with her (though she herself never agreed to it) but I respectfully declined every time because I would feel too weird around her, even though I'd never do anything to her again.

But moving a bit back on topic, now that I'm 21, I still enjoy looking at pictures of younger girls, usually in the age range of 10-20. I know it's wrong and I would never act upon my feelings other than masturbating. I would never assault anyone or rape or abuse them. I think I have a problem and I don't know what to do. Do I have a problem? Is this just a phase that will pass? Am I sexually attracted to these girls because I was a victim of sexual abuse when I was a child? Am I a pedophile?

I'm always living in depression, fear and shame, though not fear I would hurt anyone but fear I would get caught looking at pictures and being hated by my parents, and I am ashamed that I am attracted to younger girls because I know it's wrong. I try not to look at pictures but even then I can't stop having thoughts of previous experiences when I was a kid and I masturbate to these memories. I am sexually attracted to these girls and it makes me sick. My parents are obviously aware of the incident with my younger relative when I was younger but they don't know I am still sexually attracted to younger females. I thought about seeking professional help but I fear it could hurt my reputation if people found out. Not to mention I only make 20k a year so I cannot afford it either.

Please help me. Any advice would be helpful, even if you think I should rid the earth of my sick self with a shotgun.

Edit: If you're wondering why my profile says 20 and I said 21, it's because my bday is in a few weeks so I'll be 21 soon.

[EnriqueFan]

Hey. don't feel sick about your feelings. It's completely okay to be attracted to girls. don't hurt yourself. you're human just like everyone else here. trying to forcefully stop your habits will only make you feel worse. i suggest you log onto social networking sites or other websites for dating. what you did when you were 14 is in the past. dont let that affect you at all. i'm so glad that you uphold your principles on no rape and abuse. you are a really good person. you said you like being alone, but now i guess you have to get out there and mingle. you have a very good chance of finding a girl with similar feelings, whom you can relate to. you deserve to have a beautiful consensual relationship with any person, and you have to tell yourself it's okay. you're a person with feelings, and there's nothing wrong in having those feelings for young girls, since you are not causing them any harm.
I hope that helped. Don't shoot yourself girl. someone out there needs your love

[Ambiance]

I think the fact that you feel so bad over these thoughts says a lot; it shows that you have moral fiber, and you're not a bad person; you're simply an afflicted person. However, some people in this situation's feelings grow so strong that they act upon them; I'm not saying you WOULD, but if you really want to avoid that, you need to seek help and make it avoidable by finding out what problems causes these feelings, then working to work out these problems and hopefully ridding yourself of the feelings. you don't want them, and you can't act upon them in good conscience, anyway. So I would try to talk to your parents about getting therapy; you could say it was for depression or something, once you're in the shrink's office, they can't tell anyone what you say.