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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ignorance is bliss..
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Name: A.
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Join Date: January 6th 2009

what is wrong with me..? - March 15th 2009, 03:29 PM

A lot has been happeneing since the last time I posted... I had to leave for a short time to deal with everything but it's becoming to much so I really need to let some of this out.

There's not much good in my life right now but I will start with what little there is; on February 25 the guy who raped me was finally kicked out of my school for good. And right off the bat I realized that I wasn't reacting the way that was to be expected. I thought I'd be thrilled, I thought I'd feel this huge weight off my shoulder, but I didn't. I still felt fear. I still feel it at every moment, I'm constantly watching my back. Some may call it paranoia, but I call it necessary. He lives so close... It's like a nightmare. I never know when he's going come back and fullfill his promises... I saw him two days ago and it felt as though I had just gotten stabbed in the chest. Now everytime I close my eyes, everytime I even blink I see that night over and over again. I keep seeing it all happeneing... I keep seeing him holding me down and I see it all happen again. Then I see when he finally let me leave and he said "are you mad?" Will this ever go away..? I don't know what to do..

Also, I have this friend. He used to be my best friend. We were really close but when this nightmare started, he started to slowly fade from my life. He always had doubts about what I said happened. I don't even know what he believes to this day. It hurts, a lot, to have someone that was so close to you tell you you are lying about someone raping you... And then randomly he would be so supportive. He would ask me how things were going with him and he would encourage me to hang on and tell me things will get better. I tell him everything. He is the ONE person I acually feel comfortable talking too, I don't know why. About a week ago he found out I was overdosing. First he blew up at me. I stopped talking to him for a couple of days to let him cool off. Then yesterday he came back and he started talking to me again and he started it off with "Angela, I don't know why you would kill yourself over something like this. There are many more people who have it worse than you that fight it out everyday." I know that's true, but no matter how bad I tell him I'm feeling he just kept saying it doesn't matter and that I'm overreacting.Then he threw out at me "Bad things happen to good people. It was an unfortunate situation but you need to move on because you are the only one who still cares" That really crossed the line. I don't know who the hell he thinks he is to say that shit to me, but he did. And he thinks it means nothing. My family still cares, they have fought for me since the day it happened. My REAL friends still care.

There are other things going on that I thought I was going to be able to talk about but I can't right now... I'm having a really hard time staying away from pills and cutting right now after last night... I don't want to give in, I really don't. I'm really sorry this is so long and ridiculous but I'm afraid if I didn't get it out I would lose my mind.

Originally joined: June 2008

" He has no remorse for his actions,
And feels nothing but pleasure.
To see her suffer is his joy-
And her innocence is his treasure. "

is this what you really want from me..?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
ForeverAutumn* Offline
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Re: what is wrong with me..? - March 15th 2009, 04:55 PM


I'm so glad to hear he was thrown out of your school, you shouldn't have to see him every day somewhere you spend so much of your time at. Everyone reacts to different situations in different ways, though. While one person might be thrilled, to have the person who hurt them away from them, another could be even more afraid. Everyone is different, the reaction depends a lot on the circumstances. You said you're afraid he's going to come back and fulfill his promises to you - that's reason enough to still be afraid, Angela, I don't think anyone would expect you to not be a bit afraid. He hurt you, and he made promises to you...I'm guessing the promises were to hurt you again? Either way - he still hurt you, and it's ok if you're still scared he'll do it again. Everyone reacts differently.

Is there any way you could have someone with you at all times, or nearly all the time? Like a friend, a parent, even another person from your class to walk you to the next...knowing someone is there with you, and knowing you aren't alone, could help take some of the edge off. It's not going to make seeing him any easier but you might not be as afraid, if you know you aren't alone. This is definitely something to tell your parents or the officer who's handling your case - that you're afraid he's going to fulfill his promises to you, and that you're still scared of him.

When you're having a flashback like that, ground yourself as best you can. Try keeping a small stone or any small object in your pocket, and squeeze it when you're having a flashback. Sometimes that can help you ground yourself quicker. Keep telling yourself that what's happening in your head, it happened in the past - it's not happening now, he's not hurting you now, you're safe from him.

That friend of yours - he's not worth your time, Angela, he really isn't. He shouldn't be telling you those things, that you should just get over it, that you should move on, because he's wrong. Everyone heals at their own pace, there's no set period of time to 'get over' something as traumatic as rape. If he starts saying those things to you, walk away. He's not worth your time.

Let me know if you ever want to talk about anything, ok? Take care of yourself.

how could anyone ever tell you, you are anything less than beautiful?| PM Me
self-harm free since 06.10.11.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
soul Offline
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Re: what is wrong with me..? - March 15th 2009, 05:05 PM


First of all I just want to say that what you went through is awful. No one should every have to go through that. Feelings of fear and even paranoia are common amongst rape survivors. Hell I am still a bit paranoid and my attacker is out of my life. Can you think of anything that would make you feel safer? Learning self defense? Getting an alarm system? Carrying pepper spray? Making sure to alway have your cell handy? Therapy can also help make the fears diminish. I don't think there is anything wrong with you and for the most part your fears are justified. I am so sorry your friend is so uncaring and unsympathetic. I have told very few people and regret telling every single one. It seems like no know really knows how to be caring and supportive unless they have gone through something similar. I to have been told to 'just forget' they don't seem to understand that it is just not that easy. Regardless of if there are thousands of people suffering more than you what happened to you was still unimaginably awful and it does matter. However, no matter what happened to you or anyone suicide is not justified. Whatever happens in life...whoever bad things get...whoever hurts us...hurting ourselves is never okay. You are stronger than that you can make it through this. You have made it this far haven't you. Please reach out for help and start counseling. Stay strong and be safe. PM me anytime you are feeling bad I am here to listen.

<3- Mimi

As long as we can dream, there will be unicorns.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Minddr Offline
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Join Date: March 22nd 2009

Re: what is wrong with me..? - March 23rd 2009, 09:39 PM

Angela, I'm very sorry to hear what had happed to you. That is just awful!! What is it w/guys nowadays doing anything they want to girl & that its their right & see nothing wrong in it?? It seems that this is happening more often in society. Your so called "friend" is VERY clueless when it comes to learning how to deal w/rape. "It doesn't matter & that I'm overreacting"--he is so wrong--it DOES MATTER & you are NOT OVERREACTING!! He's got no idea what its like to be sexually assaulted. The feeling of constant fear is real & its not paranoia, its hypervigilism that you sense & this is common in ppl who are a victim of any kind of assault. I"m sorry to hear that you have turned to cutting as a coping mechanism. Cutting is an addictive behavior & very hard to quit, ok? Try excersizing or walking or even jogging to help w/the stress & anger. It seems that the flashbacks have been really coming in & cause you to freak out. Sarah's right, you need to have something to focus your mind on when a flashback happens & try to tell yourself that its not real & that it happened in the past. Try if at all possible to have a friend around you as much as possible. My suggestion is to take a self defense class, or martial arts. They will give you self esteem & help calm all of your fears--trust me on this b/c its worked for me when i was a teen & when ppl found out, NOBODY will mess w/you!! Stuff like stun guns or pepper spray can be knocked out of your hands, & then you're defenseless. NOT SO w/knowing self defense! I know what it feels like to feel fear in the pit of your stomach at the sight of someone who's harmed you. I hope that you think different a/b overdosing & or suicide as a thought. This can be fixed, suicide is forever. Will this ever go away? NO, but you can learn how to MASTER IT & thats what you can learn how to do in therapy which is a must for you, if you want to get behind all of this. All of this will fade w/time. I know how to help you, if you want me to. I'm just a PM away.
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