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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Banono Offline
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I feel raped.. - August 8th 2011, 12:20 AM

So, today I lost my virginity with my best friend (we have like a really special friendship) and it did hurt a bit at first, I didnt bleed, and there were like 5 minutes in wich it felt really good, the thing is, about 10 minutes in he got his penis inside of my.. butt, I screamed but he kept going for about 30 seconds, i backed him away with all of my strenght (because he is pretty buff) told him what he had just done and he said he didnt realise and he tought my scream was of pleasure, I feel raped because now I can barely sit, it was my 1st anal penetration EVER and there was no lube or anything, just the condom... and BTW, he is 16 and his penis is like pretty big, at least to me, its in between 5-6 inches... god this hurts so much, what should I do?
   
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 8th 2011, 12:22 AM

i think he violated you and you should talk to him about it. he needs to confront you with what he'd like to try beforehand and make sure thats okay. otherwise, he shouldn't have the privellage to have sex with you.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 8th 2011, 12:33 AM

I don’t mean to undermine your situation however I don’t feel as if he actually raped you that’s a strong accusation. Seeing as you were friends before hand I can’t see him actually trying to hurt you. Understand that he probably didn’t realise what you were feeling at the time. For him it was really enjoyable so he probably had his hopes up that you felt the same way. Unless you clearly tell him to stop he won’t see any reason to. Some guys can take hints better then others so until your comfortable with each other I’d almost suggest communicating the whole time.

Seeing as you both consented in the beginning I can’t help but think this was just an honest misunderstanding from a guy’s standpoint that could happen to any of us. Unless you say something its hard to tell sometimes. Also I’m going to move this thread to the rape and abuse forum because its better suited there.

Cheers.
   
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 8th 2011, 01:00 AM

I honestly think he didn't realize what he was doing or that it was hurting you. If you use your voice and tell him to stop because it's hurting you, he probably would. I definitely wouldn't call it rape. I think that's a little extreme.
   
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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 8th 2011, 01:46 AM

He didn't know that he was hurting you, so I don't think this could be classified as rape. As Ryan said, since you guys were friends before this I doubt that he was trying to hurt you and it seems like he was quite surprised that he did.
Just take it easy and get some rest for a few days and the pain should go away. Hope you feel better soon


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Re: I feel raped.. - August 8th 2011, 02:15 AM

I'm so sorry this happened to you, this must be horrible. I would talk with your friend, and make sure he knows not to do this again, especially if you guys decide to have intercourse, he needs to know how to be more careful. He probably feels just as awful as you do, or at least I would if I had hurt somebody this way. The first time my boyfriend and I had sex, it was very painful, nothing like this, but I was very tight and it was very unpleasant for me, and we just kept communicating, and things got better. Things will get better for you, sexually, sometimes things just start out awkward.
If you need any more advice about the situation, you're always welcome to private message me.


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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 8th 2011, 02:31 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan1 View Post
I don’t mean to undermine your situation however I don’t feel as if he actually raped you that’s a strong accusation. Seeing as you were friends before hand I can’t see him actually trying to hurt you. Understand that he probably didn’t realise what you were feeling at the time. For him it was really enjoyable so he probably had his hopes up that you felt the same way. Unless you clearly tell him to stop he won’t see any reason to. Some guys can take hints better then others so until your comfortable with each other I’d almost suggest communicating the whole time.

Seeing as you both consented in the beginning I can’t help but think this was just an honest misunderstanding from a guy’s standpoint that could happen to any of us. Unless you say something its hard to tell sometimes. Also I’m going to move this thread to the rape and abuse forum because its better suited there.

Cheers.
1. I don't think people should tell her if she was or was not raped.
2. You can be raped even if you didn't verbally say no-- she pushed back and screamed.
3. You can ALWAYS change your mind while having sex and take back ANY consent you gave at the beginning. Just cause you consent once doesn't mean he has his way with you WHENEVER he feels like it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by believe.in.hope View Post
I honestly think he didn't realize what he was doing or that it was hurting you. If you use your voice and tell him to stop because it's hurting you, he probably would. I definitely wouldn't call it rape. I think that's a little extreme.
Feeling violated, being raped, being ASSAULTED is extremely hard and emotional. I don't think we have a right to judge-- calling the OP extreme for feeling raped? I'd rather be supportive or her feelings. It's not our job to convince her she wasn't raped.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melody View Post
He didn't know that he was hurting you, so I don't think this could be classified as rape.
She screamed and pushed away? That was HER way of telling him it WASN'T okay. Sure, maybe it was a mistake, or maybe he knew and decided he didn't care at the time. Just because he was supposedly "unaware" that he was hurting her doesn't automatically NOT make it rape.

--------------------------------------------------

My own thoughts. I think you need to think about this for yourself. Do you feel raped because you can't sit down, or because he did something you didn't want him to do and felt powerless over the situation? I think you should talk to him about how you're feeling-- don't try to forget about these feelings.

I didn't have much to say, I just couldn't not say anything. I just feel like we shouldn't be telling people whether or not they were raped. I'm not trying to say you were-- I just think it's something you need to figure out and decide for yourself. We can help give you support or information (RAINN is a great resource), which I hope can help.

Take care,
Amy



Last edited by WashoutThePain; August 8th 2011 at 02:44 AM.
   
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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 8th 2011, 03:59 AM

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Originally Posted by Santa View Post
She screamed and pushed away? That was HER way of telling him it WASN'T okay. Sure, maybe it was a mistake, or maybe he knew and decided he didn't care at the time. Just because he was supposedly "unaware" that he was hurting her doesn't automatically NOT make it rape.
It is still possible he didn't realize how much it hurt. In my personal experience, my boyfriend also went for anal once without me saying it was okay ahead of time (although I told him once it was a possibility). It hurt like hell & I told him it did, but he continued to thrust a few more times before pulling out. He told me afterwards that he thought the pain would go away after a few seconds, which maybe her friend thought would happen as well.

For guys who haven't done anything anally, they don't realize how much it can hurt without proper preparation. I believe it was an honest mistake. As for the pain, it'll go away for sure in a couple days at most. Just take it easy & I would suggest cleaning it with wipes or in the shower/bath to make sure no infection occurs. I'm sorry for your bad experience & as weird as anal sounds, it can be a pleasurable experience. Just work up to it.

Also, just thought I'd add that the poster put that she "felt" raped. She didn't flat-out ask if she was raped.
   
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 8th 2011, 04:36 AM

hey,
It's perfectly normal that you feel violated...something happened that you weren't expecting and didn't discuss first. It sounds as though your friend used you...He shouldn't have tried anal without talking to you about it first. He just did what he wanted. Guys who haven't looked into it first would have no idea how painful it can be, or that you should use lube etc...it's likely he really didn't think it would hurt you. That being said, he should have told you that he wanted to try anal, not just gone for it. And I don't care what any guy says, you can't just 'not realise' that you're doing it or 'slip'. It doesn't work like that!! Tell him it pissed you off, and caused you a lot of pain. And that if he wants your sexual relationship to continue he has to be more respectful. If it was me, I wouldn't get intimate with him again...make sure your next sexual experience is a positive one! As for the pain, it should get better soon..most likely just bruising. but if you're bleeding or it still really hurts in a few days I'd recommend seeing a doctor.


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Re: I feel raped.. - August 9th 2011, 02:42 AM

I'm sorry if I offended the OP. That was definitely not my intention. At all.
   
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 9th 2011, 02:53 AM

It wasnt rape, I think that the fact that you were friends before this means he really cares about you and wouldnt hurt you on purpose. The best thing for you to do is talk to him. Sex isnt something you should just jump into... You both need to know what you guys are both comfortable doing and just test the rest.
   
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 9th 2011, 05:18 AM

I would feel upset if this had happened to me too. I feel that it is important to both parties to communicate what is and isn't okay. He should have stopped and pulled out when you started screaming and pushing him away. It is possible that in the moment he didn't realize that he was hurting you, but that's not for me to judge. I think you should really talk to him about it, especially if you decide to get intiment with him again. As for the pain, it should go away in a couple of day, but if it doesn't or if you start bleeding or can't poop then however akward it may be you should go to the doctor.


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Re: I feel raped.. - August 9th 2011, 01:59 PM

It sounds like he made a mistake, you screamed and he took it as pleasure. You can't accuse him of rape because he tried something and you didn't like it/ accident. Just explain, you were still a virgin and that was WAY TOO MUCH for your first time.




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Sythan Offline
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 9th 2011, 08:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Santa View Post
1. I don't think people should tell her if she was or was not raped.


She posted on here, wondered if it was rape, the people gave their opinions. Case closed, you don't have to like it but it's their right to express their feelings on the situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Santa View Post
2. You can be raped even if you didn't verbally say no-- she pushed back and screamed.
Obviously, if no one said "No, don't do that" he could have taken it in a way she didn't mean it to,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Santa View Post
3. You can ALWAYS change your mind while having sex and take back ANY consent you gave at the beginning. Just cause you consent once doesn't mean he has his way with you WHENEVER he feels like it.
I agree.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Santa View Post
Feeling violated, being raped, being ASSAULTED is extremely hard and emotional. I don't think we have a right to judge-- calling the OP extreme for feeling raped? I'd rather be supportive or her feelings. It's not our job to convince her she wasn't raped.
Calling it rape when it could've been a misunderstanding is extreme. The Posters weren't calling her extreme, it was her views of it being rape that seemed extreme. Again, she posted on here, for people to express their opinion, whatever they may be, all are welcomed.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Santa View Post
She screamed and pushed away? That was HER way of telling him it WASN'T okay. Sure, maybe it was a mistake, or maybe he knew and decided he didn't care at the time. Just because he was supposedly "unaware" that he was hurting her doesn't automatically NOT make it rape.
It may of been her way, but there was no verbal communication, a scream during sex can mean a number of things, not just "Ow it hurts, stop". He may have taken it in a different signal, it may have been an accident, you seem to take an "It was rape" stance by attacking other people for their own opinions.

To the OP: Personally I believe it was an honest mistake, I don't believe he did it intentionally to hurt you. He may have thought it was okay based on the situation at the time.


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Re: I feel raped.. - August 10th 2011, 01:48 AM

She never asked our opinions on whether or not she was raped. I was simply refuting the overwhelming comments tell her it wasn't. We have no right telling someone if they have been raped or not. We can provide definitions and advice.

She asked "what should I do" not "was I raped." It was my mistake for not answering her question, but I couldn't allow for people to tell her she wasn't raped. She has a right to her feelings! She has a right to be believed.


   
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 10th 2011, 02:04 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Santa View Post
She never asked our opinions on whether or not she was raped. I was simply refuting the overwhelming comments tell her it wasn't. We have no right telling someone if they have been raped or not. We can provide definitions and advice.

She asked "what should I do" not "was I raped." It was my mistake for not answering her question, but I couldn't allow for people to tell her she wasn't raped. She has a right to her feelings! She has a right to be believed.
Her asking or not does not give way to us posting our opinions, we have a right to respond with our feelings and thoughts about any situation. The evidence she gave does not seem like purposeful rape, it seems like a mistake. It's not your right to ostracize peoples' opinions if they conflict with your own.


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  (#17 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 10th 2011, 02:11 AM

I find it to be faulty advice. I feel as though it's the same as telling someone who is asking advice for depression, "Oh man, you're not depressed at all, you must be mistaken. Just go take a bath and forget about your feelings."

*shrug* I didn't mean to ostracize anyone or any opinion. But I'm not going to sit here either and say nothing. Anyways, I don't really want to explain myself further. Obviously, I am emotionally invested in these things. I apologize to those who feel offended. =\


   
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 10th 2011, 02:38 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karolinaxoxo View Post
It wasnt rape, I think that the fact that you were friends before this means he really cares about you and wouldnt hurt you on purpose. The best thing for you to do is talk to him. Sex isnt something you should just jump into... You both need to know what you guys are both comfortable doing and just test the rest.
The part bold does NOT mean much. Most rapes that occur happen with someone the victim knows.

That being said, I mostly agree with Amy.
Quote:
My own thoughts. I think you need to think about this for yourself. Do you feel raped because you can't sit down, or because he did something you didn't want him to do and felt powerless over the situation? I think you should talk to him about how you're feeling-- don't try to forget about these feelings.

I didn't have much to say, I just couldn't not say anything. I just feel like we shouldn't be telling people whether or not they were raped. I'm not trying to say you were-- I just think it's something you need to figure out and decide for yourself. We can help give you support or information (RAINN is a great resource), which I hope can help.
I think you need to think about this yourself. Don't let people on here decide whether you think he went too far. There can be a major difference between screaming out of pleasure, and screaming out of fear or pain and I think he should have asked you which it was. I honestly don't know if I would consider it rape or not, but I also don't think it's my job to tell you if you were or not. I do agree that you should try speaking to him about how you felt though. And for any sexual things in the future, you should outline exactly what you are and are not comfortable with before hand, just to make sure the guy knows where you stand.



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Re: I feel raped.. - August 10th 2011, 06:03 AM

I want to remind everyone that this thread is not intended to be turned into a debate. Let's focus on the issue that the OP is having instead please.
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Re: I feel raped.. - August 10th 2011, 03:12 PM

Banono, back to you,

I had a simular experience once. I was having vaginal sex with a friend of mine when he suddenly decided to go anal. He later told me he thought I wanted it. I don't recall making any suggestions of the sort. However, it lasted only a few seconds. I asked him to stop and he did. It is really painful, I know.

My advice would be to talk to the guy, make sure you understand why he did it and explain to him how much it hurts, so he never tries it again without proper lubrication and preparation. As for yourself, it will be soar a couple of days, but it will heal, no worries about that. You can lie down, or take long walks so that you don't need to sit.

I understand why you are feeling raped. Just don't hate your friend, ok? It is really possible that he just made a mistake and, as someone already mentioned, he's probably feeling awful as well.
   
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