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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
babysbreath Offline
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tired and in pain - September 27th 2011, 12:22 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

hello everyone, my name is allie and im new here, but im too shy to post an introduction thread... i just want to get things off my chest first, i suppose...

i hope i dont bore people with this long background of mine. its just venting, and i need some reassurance. the details are pretty graphic so i want to note that some of you might be disgusted reading it and im really sorry for that. i hope its ok i didnt add a specific prefix, i wasnt sure about it....

when i was quite little, around 4, my cousin (older than me, probably 12 at the time) took an interest in me. this was around the time my mom and dad got a divorce due to dad's alcoholism, so when i stayed with my dad, he would drop me off at my cousin's house for the day. every day my aunt would make eggs. my cousin and i would sit at the table and eat them. but then he would take me down to the basement and do awful things to me. it didnt stop and i was so scared and afraid. he didnt just touch me though, he would rub dead animals against me (my genitals and face and chest, mainly), make me vomit, beat me up, and torture me. he would tell me he was going to kill me and he was going to feed me to his dog and nobody would find me because i'd just be a pile of meat. when i was 7 he started to have penetrative sex with me and it only got worse from there.

i remember laying on my back, staring up at the basement ceiling after he had just raped me for the fifth time, he had stuck pins into my body all over the place and i thought, "why is no one here to save me? please help me."

there was a point where his sister's boyfriend (at the time, they are now married) walked in on him raping me, but he said nothing. then it happened again, and he still didnt say anything. so the abuse could have ended, but it didnt. i think my entire family kind of knew, though.

my cousin eventually sustained a head injury brought about by a boy smashing his head into the wall. my cousin said it was because he showed the boy photos of me, the boy freaked out, and started to beat him up. he isnt mentally retarded or anything now, but his impulse control was reduced significantly and so it escalated even more.

it happened at christmas, easter, birthdays, thanksgiving, all the time when he could get me alone. we moved out of state because my mom got remarried, but we'd always go to visit family every year (and we still do.)

when i was 11 i had my very first pregnancy scare, and after more time, i became pregnant at 15 after christmas. i miscarried at around 8 or so weeks, and even though i hated what was inside me and wanted to kill myself, i dont know if i could have aborted, and i felt as if a part of me died with the miscarriage.

i just told him i wasnt going to take any more of his abuse this past christmas (2010) and he seemed really shocked that i was standing up for myself. but he also said i'd be sorry that i went against him and stuff like that.... im just not going to take it anymore. hes a coward and i think i scared him bc he thought he had broken me down to the point where i couldnt build myself up anymore.

i've actually told my cousin, i will call her E, she is like a sister to me. i love her with all my heart, along with her mother, my Aunt A. ive told her too, but they both know extremely minor details - just that it happened. my dad knows about the same amount.

i cant tell anyone else in my family, except for maybe E's brother, T, and my Uncle D (their dad). i know they will HATE me. i have always been the weird girl. i have always been in and out of treatments. i have had an eating disorder since 6th grade. i've been hospitalized. i'm probably just some crazy girl to them. for all they think of me, they'd probably assume i made it up. i know my aunt would accuse me of slander because she coddles my cousin and believes he can do no wrong.

im so tired. im sick and tired. i wish my family wouldnt hate me because of something i cant help and that i already hate myself for. i dont want to go to a support group because i cant stand seeing people around me cry. it makes me so angry for some reason and i dont know what to do anymore. im just filled with so much sadness and rage, too much for too long, i dont know how to get rid of it. i am always having flashbacks and pain. im at a loss.

sorry everyone, that was a really long read. i hope it all made sense and was clear. im just so exhausted. if anyone has any advice, please tell me.

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
victoriabankson Offline
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Re: tired and in pain - September 28th 2011, 01:22 AM

omg im so sorry thats happened to you. its brought tears to my eyes. no one should have to deal wit that. im sorry bout your family. people prefer to see past the bad in life because they don't want to believe its possible. i wish i could help you im only 14 and im sorry btu if ever want to talk ill listen. im so glad that you stood up for your self. most people would have let that continue. ill always listen to you and i want you to know nothing is hopeless and do ever think about hurting your self or anything. i know what its like to be hated by your family ive always been weird and what else they say. you can pm me any time im always on.

victoria bankson the person who will always be there for you

they tell me they love me
and yet
they use me then leave me
in an old scary ally
where i have to hide
to stay alive then
on day the new prince will come
and i believe that hes different
but he does the same thing all the rest have done
then comes the boy i've known all my life
he takes me home and teaches me to live
and we end up falling in love
NOW if only i could believe that

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
babysbreath Offline
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Re: tired and in pain - September 28th 2011, 06:03 AM

thank you so much, youre a kindhearted girl and i appreciate your words. i think what bothers me most about my family is that they "knew" and didnt do anything. i think when i say my family strives to be perfect, with no scandal or anything, i'm not alone. families are like that. im not sure why there's that consensus a lot of the time, though....

thank you very much again, you have cheered me up a lot.
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Caiti2 Offline
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Re: tired and in pain - September 28th 2011, 01:44 PM

wow ur story made me cry im so sorry to hear what u have been through you are so strong and seem like a really sweet caring person i honstaly i have no idea what advice to give you just no ur in my heart and i promise if u ever need anything ill always be here pm me anytime
i guess if you cant stand a support group maybe you could try concelin then your family wont know if u dont tell or maybe you could report it to the police even thought that may make matters worse your cousin had to right to do that to you and needs profestional help or he may repeat his actions if your family cant support you you should seek help else where maybe join a hobbie and start voleenteer work maybe do boxin and take all of that rage out there just find things that you can enjoy to take your mind of things im sorry if my advice isnt very good but basically i just want you to no that i care and so do so many other of the wonderful people on this site your not alone and if you need anyone to talk to ill always be here i really hope that things start to look better for you and you find away to move forward from your past ur 18 u got so much ahead of you
gud luck and stay strong
luv caiti
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Kitty. Offline
Jeez, get a life!
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Re: tired and in pain - September 29th 2011, 04:22 AM


I am incredibly sorry to hear what you have been through. No deserves that kind of abuse. I am glad that you have posted here for support.
I think that your first step should be to report your cousin. It is obvious that you cousin needs serious professional help and he needs to be punished for what he has done. Even if you family doesn't agree with this, it is in your best interest and his to report him.

If you don't want to join a support group, I recommend trying something like martial arts. Martial arts is a great stress reliever and you can let out pent-up anger as well. A lot of people see significant differences in their emotions after starting martial arts.

Hang in there and don't let anyone bring you down. <3

Take care,
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jay07 Offline
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Re: tired and in pain - September 29th 2011, 05:26 PM

you should contact STEVE WILKOS! He will knock your cousin out!!!!! You deserve so much better<3

Best of Luck.
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