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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Unhappy This is abuse, isn't it? Can I help her? - October 1st 2011, 06:18 PM

My best friend ever like a 17 year old, a lot. She's 14, and lost her virginity to him about 3 months ago. They're not in a relationship, and weren't at the time.

When I was talking to her yesterday; she told me the following things about him:
•He regularly pushes her to the ground or into things, leaving bruises on her knees.
•He bites her, leaving painful bruises on her neck and sometimes arms.
•He punched her so hard in the stomach once that she had to sit down because she couldn't breathe.
•He slaps her, in the face, a lot.
•He pulled down her shirt once in public.
•She says its her fault because he only does this to her when "shes annoying him." I've witnessed it happen before once while I was hanging out with them and it was totally un-provoked.

He treats her like this and he knows she won't stop hanging out with him because he took her virginity.
Is there anything I can do to help her? Is it even abuse?
   
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Re: This is abuse, isn't it? Can I help her? - October 1st 2011, 06:22 PM

Hi Rebecca,

Yes, I would consider this abuse (The intentional infliction of pain or discomfort on another).

What to do? Ask her why she tolerates it.


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Re: This is abuse, isn't it? Can I help her? - October 1st 2011, 06:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr.Bobby View Post
Hi Rebecca,

Yes, I would consider this abuse (The intentional infliction of pain or discomfort on another).

What to do? Ask her why she tolerates it.
She tolerates it because in her own words, its her fault. I definatley don't think that it is though.
   
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Re: This is abuse, isn't it? Can I help her? - October 1st 2011, 06:44 PM

No, of course it's not her fault. No one, ever, ever deserves to be abused!

Let her know that, give her a reality check. Ask her why she thinks she 'deserves' to be abused instead of adored. Try to work with the illogic of her response.

Also, if she's in danger of really getting hurt (I know this is a fine line), then you should also let her know you feel so strongly that you think others should know so they can help protect her, and then work out which trusted adult she can tell, and offer to be with her for support.


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Re: This is abuse, isn't it? Can I help her? - October 2nd 2011, 09:39 AM

Hi Rebecca,

What this guy is doing is most definitely abuse.

I think that what you need to do is tell an adult. A teacher or counsellor or your parents; anyone who you trust and feel comfortable talking to. I know that that seems extreme and you might feel like you are betraying your friend, but telling someone is the best possible thing you could do for her. Your friend is in serious physical danger right now if he is doing those things to her; there is no knowing when he could snap and hurt her even more badly. And you won't be able to just talk her out of the relationship - victims of abuse like this will almost always "side" with their abuser and refuse to see the negative impacts of their relationship.

At this stage, the important thing is getting this guy away from your friend. And an adult is going to have a good chance of achieving that. Then you can all work on helping your friend move on and deal with the effects of the abuse. But making her safe should be the absolute first thing that happens.



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Re: This is abuse, isn't it? Can I help her? - October 2nd 2011, 08:16 PM

I would consider it abuse. I'm no doctor, but he's inflicting pain on her for no reason whatsoever. No one deserves to be treated like that.


   
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