How can I not hate him?

[Fallenandcantgetup]

When I was 3 my dad raped me for 6 years. I never reported him for it and just started talking about it a few years ago. I haven't seen or talked to him in 7 or 8 years. My mom doesn't believe that it happened and my brother won't talk about him at all. My grandma is the only one that I know I can talk to about it and she believes me. He's the reason I started cutting, but its been almost 2 years since I've done it last. Part of me wants to hate him for everything he's done to me, but I just can't even though I know I should hate him for it. Most days I miss him, but I know I shouldn't miss him because if he was still around he would still be doing it. He's the only person I'm afraid of. I can never stand up to him, but anyone else I can. How can I not hate him for what he's done? Why do I still miss him?

[Golem]

Hi there,
First of all i am not to sure "rape" (forced sexual intercourse) can accure at the age of 3
but id hate to undermine your story and am sure there was some sort of domestic violence.

Secondly I feel very sry for you having to go through this, it not easy for a child to deal with domestic abuse especially for girl and i consider you very brave!

But to answer your question , this is a typically normal state of mind that is encrypted in our code. It is a part of our basic Instinct meant for survival , born weak we learn to depend on our parents no matter what , sometimes this instinct still accures even if our mind knows we shouldn't depend on them and they are doing us wrong. No matter what deeds our parents engrave in our minds we will always have a sense of understanding for them . Which often leads to battle between our Mind and this ancient instinct as they they clearly differ causing us to not understand our feelings making us feel puzzled and depressed .

Best bet is to overwrite these memories with new better one making you think about something pleasant prehaps a bright future with a new/current partner thus making your brain avoid paying attention to this clash of logic and feeling.

Hope i was any help
-Golem

[viemexis]

Because he's your father, you will probably always have mixed feelings toward him. And though we'd all understand if you hated him, hate in itself accomplishes nothing. I do hope you are able to get angry about it, though. You've been violated by the one man who was supposed to protect you, and it's healthy to be angry. For many people, feeling that anger and expressing it is part of the healing process.

[Dr.Bobby]

First, as an FYI, the definition of rape is forced intercourse, it's the act of being victimized and not consenting, not the age. And it's always, always rape at 3!

The issue isn't if you hate him, the issue is hating what happened. It's a bit more complicated, because there's more to the relationship than the rape. We all need our parents, and If they fail you, it becomes complicated (that's actually the clinical term, 'Complicated'), b/c you miss what you needed, even though you don't miss what you got.

There's also a very high correlation btw'n cutting and molestation (it's actually the one of the first suspects), so this is typical, too. It's really great that you've stopped, keep up the good work!.

As with anything complicated, it takes time (and usually a professional) to help sort it out and make sense of it, and (most importantly) put it into perspective where it belongs, so it doesn't continue to haunt you. Until then, it's good that you have your grandma, the others still struggle with what all this means for them, too. Which is perhaps what makes it 'complicated' for them.