Triggering (Abuse): Feeling so stupid..

[FadingMirage]

He raped me, cut me, beat me, and took all my innocence. He's the reason I keep cutting and I barely let people touch me. I was only twelve and it took almost 3 years for him to stop..yet I can't help but to miss him. Before that all happened he was my best friend...I hate conflicting feelings. I feel like I should be over it by now cause that's what I always got told by friends who I told parts of the story. Don't know what to do anymore..

[Dr.Bobby]

Hi Jess,

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It takes time to heal, I know that's hard to hear when yo';re suffering and you just want it to go away now.

The conflicted feelings you're experiencing (correct terminology, btw!) are really typical in this situation. You trusted him, he paid attention to you and seemed to care. That all feels good. The conflicted part (as you know) is that he also took advantage of you and hurt you. That's not a part of caring. So, you have those conflicted feelings because life is often confusing, people can love you one minute and hurt you the next. It's not supposed to be that way, but when it is, what's left is conflict. You've been exposed to both from the same person.

The best way to make this all go away (or at least, to tolerate the feelings and put them in their proper historical perspective) is to work thru them with an experienced therapist. I know people don't always like that answer, and I'm the first to acknowledge that everyone doesn't need therapy, but when you've been so horribly violated on so many levels, it's really the best response. Can you tell someone or find a therapist on your own?

Until then, try to remember that it's over, and although the memories are very real, the trauma and the abuse that caused it isn't.

[FadingMirage]

I tried therapy a couple of months ago but it didnt seem to help. I'm rather picky with who I talk to on a deep level. Part of the problem might be that the thought of telling someone the full story terrifies me though..
Thank you btw

[Dr.Bobby]

I understand! It is terrifying to look back at all this. But, it's much more terrifying to carry it around and have it fester.

Therapy is a process, it's not a quick fix, so the curative part starts really as soon as you make the decision to try. There's no need to go in and spill everything that first or second visit, you can go slowly and talk about other things and when you feel comfortable and ready, you open that box. A lot of people scare themselves by going in (or thinking they should go in) and tell your most personal things to a stranger, even if they're a professional. Even your regular MD starts by smiling at you and asking how you are, maybe taking your blood pressure or temperature, even if those things aren't an issue. Same thing with therapy.

Until you talk about those central issues, there's still restorative work going on, just being with someone and working on trust.

[Kitty.]

Hey,

It can definitely be tough to tell someone the full story since that is a very private part of your life. However, telling the story can help your healing since that will be a part of you that is released and you can begin to move on from it and turn from the destructive behavior of cutting. Take your time telling the story and only say what you feel comfortable with. The therapist won't rush you to talk about something that you don't feel comfortable talking about. Going to a therapist is simply the first step to healing.

Take care,
Kitty.