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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ShilohxNeko Offline
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Name: Shiloh Laird
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Location: Marietta, Georgia

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Join Date: October 24th 2011

~My Trials as of Late~ - October 24th 2011, 07:25 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Well, hey everyone.

I hate to make my second post on here a dreary one, but I figure that if I can get some advice or at least someone to listen, it'd make me feel a hell of a lot better. I should start my story about ten years ago, when my parents divorced, and then I'll attempt to work my way forwards from there. Hopefully this won't be too drawn-out, so I'll keep myself brief.

Well, the story begins when I was six. I was living with my dad, an ordained Methodist preacher, and my mom, a jazz club manager in South Korea. We lived in Georgia, and everything was pretty much okay. I didn't know about her drinking problem at the time, so I was still pretty oblivious. That is, until she came home with another guy and slept with him while my dad was in the house. So, one big fight later, she moves into her art studio with a man (Don, my soon-to-be stepdad) and goes on a drugs and alcohol binge for the next six years.

So, this leaves just me and my dad, which was a period of three years that I remember as being the happiest in my life. We knew how to talk to each other and we understood each other quite perfectly; no screaming, no fighting, no rules, just the two of us making it day by day.

That's the last time I ever felt safe.

Fast forward to thirteen years of age. My dad gets married to Vanessa, my stepmom, after several years of on and off dating. I believed that she would be a chance to finally have a mom, but that got turned on its head quickly. She brought along three of my step-siblings, all of whom were younger, that she'd constantly scream at and put down several times a day, and this would often spill over onto me. So, I quickly learned how to cover my tracks and walk on eggshells while my dad, being a people-pleaser, didn't do anything to stop it.

Fast forward again about two months: I meet my first boyfriend. In short, we get busy in a church, stepmom finds out, huge fight that starts the snowball effect. Remember this point.

Now I'd be around fourteen, and we move to a new house. The screaming gets worse and my sexuality is exposed, with my dad and my stepmom hating it to death, saying that I don't have the right to choose my sexuality. I tell more about my emotionally abusive stepmom at home and I begin to gain a support base.

Fast forward now to around... three months ago. My stepmom hacks my facebook, and essentially learns of every relationship (sexual and platonic, male and female) that I've had in my life. This irks her to no end, and the next week consists of constant interrogations and screaming sessions at 3 AM in the morning. After this, I'm sent to a mental hospital for two months under the guise of sexual addiction and due to my sexual orientation. During this period I find out that I truly don't belong in a mental hospital, that my stepmom is emotionally abusive, and that I have the choice to live with my mom. So, I signed the paperwork and my mother won the custody battle for me. So far, I've been out of the mental hospital for about a month.

Fast forward to four days ago. Troubles at school, stress builds up on my mom, she brings home a bottle of whiskey and gets smashed and forces me to drink with her. She starts screaming. I run and hide out for the night, until I'm found early the next morning. My stepmom is now fighting to overturn the custody arrangement, and my mom is adamant that it is the last time something like that is going to happen...

In short, I just need to know why I can't feel safe anymore. It seems as if whenever something good happens to me, I should automatically expect something insanely wrong to screw everything up... I know I'm just begging for sympathy here, just being on this site in general, and it makes me feel pitiful, but I need just someone to listen.

Sorry if I took up your time.
-Shiloh-




I have spread my dreams under your feet. Tread softly, for you tread on my dreams.

-Shiloh-
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Pheonix Offline
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Re: ~My Trials as of Late~ - October 24th 2011, 08:23 AM

I hope you already know that what is happening to you is the result of people who are extremely damaged and do not know how to be kind. Your father doesn't seem to know because his kindness allows others to hurt you severely. Your mother and stepmother have both been destroyed and cannot be kind to anyone. I can't tell you why you were born into this life, but it isn't because you are not lovable. It isn't because you are not good. It isn't because you are not worthwhile. I hope you know this because I cannot change your mind. I hope you know that you deserve a chance to be free. I hope you know that the people you leave behind have NO chance at ever being happy if they do not choose to be. You cannot help them, but you can save yourself. Yes, it might HURT LIKE EVER LIVING HELL, but it is the only way to save anybody (you). I can't wave a hand and save you like I wish, but please go here. http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/hotlines and go here http://www.nationalsafeplace.org/homepage.shtml and you might Text SAFE and your current location to the number 69866 at any time (on that website) and you can go here http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ and please call numbers and ask for advice from people who have been there MANY times. I know you can do it. I don't know if I'd call the police for this when living in the south. You can also call the trevor project Call 866-488-7386
at any time. Please, ask yourself what YOU NEED, not what hurts least at the time, but what you NEED and be safe.
   
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Re: ~My Trials as of Late~ - October 24th 2011, 10:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShilohxNeko View Post
In short, I just need to know why I can't feel safe anymore. It seems as if whenever something good happens to me, I should automatically expect something insanely wrong to screw everything up... I know I'm just begging for sympathy here, just being on this site in general, and it makes me feel pitiful, but I need just someone to listen.
First I would just like to note how terribly sorry I am if you're offended by my perspective of things. The person I am is always trying to turn negative situations into a more positive light.

So I deal with a lot of ups and downs in my life as well. And I see it as a sort of balance that our lives have with the good and the bad times. It seems like sometimes the good and bad days go hand in hand and my mood is constantly changing. And mostly I feel like we need these experiences to have a greater perspective of the world and society around us. These experiences also make us stronger. Although life has some strange and harsh ways of teaching us things, we can all benifit from our lessons learned out of our experiences. No matter how hard is it to get through it.

I hope that helps. And I'm here whenever if you need someone to listen. And know that on this site you do not sound pitful or like you're begging for sympathy.
Take care.


"You know I'm such a fool for you"

PRIDE<3
(I have accepted myself as of October 20, 2011)
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
ShilohxNeko Offline
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Name: Shiloh Laird
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Join Date: October 24th 2011

Re: ~My Trials as of Late~ - October 27th 2011, 01:25 AM

Hey you guys,

Thanks for the advice. Pheonix, I'll definitely look up some of those resources, and Rooni, I'm not offended at all by your perspective. I try to keep that sort of viewpoint but it gets harder... I just don't think there's any more lessons left to learn from this situation as it keeps getting dragged out and revisited over and over again. Thanks for the feedback, though... it helps. I might take you up on your offer, sometime.

-Shiloh-




I have spread my dreams under your feet. Tread softly, for you tread on my dreams.

-Shiloh-
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Youth Pastor Offline
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Re: ~My Trials as of Late~ - October 28th 2011, 05:18 PM

I don't see this as wanting sympathy. This is a legit concern and something no one should have to go through, especially someone your age. Teens have enough pressures in the world today without adding stuff like this on top of it. My name isn't just a name. I am a Youth Pastor so if you want to talk just let me know.


To the world you might be one person but to one person you might be the world

Failure isn't when you get knocked down, it's when you don't get back up
   
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