Triggering: My fault? Overreacting?

[Aubrie]

This may get a little graphic, but I want the best answer possible.

When I was 13 (3 years ago), I was "dating" this boy. I had never done anything with a boy, but he was going to be my first kiss.

At the homecoming football game, he took me out into this grassy area where the cars are parked. Before we started kissing, I told him that I didn't want to do anything more than that.

After a while, he started pulling my shirt up. At first I put my hands over his to stop him, but he kept trying, so I let him. Then he started rubbing me through my pants. I told him no at first, but he told me he wasn't going into my pants, so I decided it wasn't too big of a deal.

Somewhat graphic

He took his penis out and took my hand. I asked him what he was doing, but he just put my hand in his and started jerking off. I told him that I didn't want to go past kissing, and he stopped. We continued making out, and he did it again. I think I said no again, he stopped, we continued making out, then he started again. I finally just let him do it. He broke up with me a day or two later, and told one of his friends that the only reason he didn't have sex with me was because he, "didn't want to get his ass dirty on the ground." He acts as though he's completely oblivious that he went past my boundaries.

Am I just overreacting? I suppose I sent him mixed signals. I mean, I could have just got up and left, but I was kind of scared. I know this isn't rape, but is it like sexual assault or something since I made my boundaries clear at the beginning? Even though I let him do it eventually?

[Dr.Bobby]

Hi Aubrie,

I'm really sorry this happened to you, it's unfortunately a common occurrence.

The answer to your question is that, no, it was absolutely in no way at all your 'Fault' or responsibility. Agreeing to kiss a boy doesn't give them permission to touch, fondle, or pressure you into anything else, nor does it give them license to expose themselves to you and pressure you into anything you do not voluntarily agree to do. I'm using a lot of words in repeat there just to make a point, which I am absolutely certain is absolutely correct and right. No means No, all the time, every time.

[Aubrie]

Originally Posted by Dr.Bobby

Hi Aubrie,

I'm really sorry this happened to you, it's unfortunately a common occurrence.

The answer to your question is that, no, it was absolutely in no way at all your 'Fault' or responsibility. Agreeing to kiss a boy doesn't give them permission to touch, fondle, or pressure you into anything else, nor does it give them license to expose themselves to you and pressure you into anything you do not voluntarily agree to do. I'm using a lot of words in repeat there just to make a point, which I am absolutely certain is absolutely correct and right. No means No, all the time, every time.

Thank you for your reply

I do have another question that you may know the answer to seeing as you're a licensed psychologist. I know that the laws vary state-to-state, but do you know if in Ohio if my school/college counselors would be required to report it? I kind of want to talk to someone, but I really can't go through a report, and it's not like there is any evidence anymore anyway.

[Dr.Bobby]

Aubrie, I don't know the laws in Ohio. However, for him to get arrested (which is what I think you're asking) the victim (you, in this case) has to call the police and file a 'Complaint', without your cooperation there's nothing that can (or would) be done. Then, the police would investigate and make a determination based on their conclusions (evidence, etc.).

That all said, the real issue here is your need to talk, and I wouldn't hesitate to recommend that you do so, regardless of these other concerns. The counselor is there to help you, not get him into trouble.

[judymason]

You can't file a case against him since you had agreed to let him kiss you and do such kind of actions after convincing you several times.

[Guile]

Originally Posted by Aubrie

Thank you for your reply

I do have another question that you may know the answer to seeing as you're a licensed psychologist. I know that the laws vary state-to-state, but do you know if in Ohio if my school/college counselors would be required to report it? I kind of want to talk to someone, but I really can't go through a report, and it's not like there is any evidence anymore anyway.

They would be required to report it, but there is no proof, not to mention you agreed to keep going, as you said no, then went along with it.

As such, you could report it, but I doubt it would do much, the most you could get him on would be "sexual exploitation of a minor", or statutory rape if he at any point did anything inside you.

-Guile, resident legal expert.

[Revolution]

Technically, he assaulted you. You didn't consent. Even if you don't remember whether or not you said a clear "No" you also didn't say a clear "Yes." A clear yes is required for actual sexual consent.

HOWEVER, as Guile pointed out, I'm not sure how far you can go to court for this. Not sure about the precise laws where you live, but I know enough about US law and sexual assault to say even sexual assaults with lots of evidence, sadly, often do not go far. But what he did was an assault, you are not overreacting, and I would highly recommend you talk to a professional what has happened, such as a counselor, if you aren't already.

[david2357]

Its not your fault. But it isnt rape or anything like that either. You still consented, though reluctantly.

im not saying that what happened to u wasnt traumatic or bad, im just saying that its unlikely to be considered rape. Plus i think its better for your emotional health to just put it out of your mind. I know that may be hard. I hope i dont sound insensitive

[Aubrie]

Thanks, everyone.

Originally Posted by judymason

You can't file a case against him since you had agreed to let him kiss you and do such kind of actions after convincing you several times.

Originally Posted by Guile

They would be required to report it, but there is no proof, not to mention you agreed to keep going, as you said no, then went along with it.

As such, you could report it, but I doubt it would do much, the most you could get him on would be "sexual exploitation of a minor", or statutory rape if he at any point did anything inside you.

-Guile, resident legal expert.

Originally Posted by david2357

Its not your fault. But it isnt rape or anything like that either. You still consented, though reluctantly.

im not saying that what happened to u wasnt traumatic or bad, im just saying that its unlikely to be considered rape. Plus i think its better for your emotional health to just put it out of your mind. I know that may be hard. I hope i dont sound insensitive

I never said it was rape. In Ohio, rape and sexual assault are two very different things legally speaking. I do not want to go to court, and I know it wouldn't go far. For clarification, I did say, "I don't want to go past kissing," which is saying no to everything past (obviously). I said that three times, and he kept doing it. I NEVER consented.

[Dr.Bobby]

I think we've fallen into that ditch by the side of the road, guys. Let me pull the car out here so Aubrie can get on her way.

First, the real issue here is your desire to get help, Aubrie, and the legal aspect of this shouldn't distract you from that goal. You always and forever take care of yourself, regardless of the consequences to those who put you in need for that in the first place. Go and talk with your counselor, make it clear the goal is to get help for yourself, not get him in trouble. I am absolutely sure this is the correct response, too.

Second, laws vary from state to state, but I am confident that the issue here is consent. Agreeing to kiss doesn't imply agreement for more. When consent is not explicitly given, it's assault.

Don't concern yourself with the fineries of the law, Aubrey. Your primary consideration should be getting the help you need to feel better about this unfortunate incident, regardless of what it's technically called.