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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Can't stop thinking - October 27th 2011, 01:41 AM

Okay, so i've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost five months now and i'm absolutely in love with her. Her dad used to rape her tho..alot. the last time he did was the day before me and her met. then he died shortly after thank god. Never actually happened while i've known her. and i've found out more and more over the months. her mom, and grandparents used to help her dad. forced her brothers to do stuff to her. just alot. and it doesn't change how i feel about her. at all. i love her beyond belief. never have i felt like this. and she's actually become happy because of me. she doesn't think about the past anymore. i'm glad i've been able to do that for her. but i just don't what to do to stop thinking about what has happened to her. it kills me. i feel terrible for her and it absolutely kills my heart to think about it. but i don't know what i can do. Really just looking for any advice possible. please and thanks.
   
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Re: Can't stop thinking - October 27th 2011, 01:50 AM

Jeff, this is a hard one, b/c most often, it's the victim who reports these intrusive thoughts or feelings about their past abuse. The obvious question here is: Have you been a victim of something, too? Not just sexual abuse, either. Or are you just overly sensitive to the feelings and experiences of others?

It sounds like you're identifying with some part of her experience, and although loving someone certainly means 'feeling' for them and what they might have been thru, most people draw the line at not also acquiring the same feelings (rage, etc.) that the victim does. Try to figure out why you're so identified with her past, try to work on your piece of it.

In the mean time, try to also keep that out of the relationship. Work on seeing her as something other than a 'Victim' here, and don't allow those perceptions influence how you see, feel, or react to her.


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Re: Can't stop thinking - October 27th 2011, 01:59 AM

I think its the fact that i couldn't do anything to help her. Like i said i love her. Id lay my life down for her if it would help her. And i think its the fact that i couldn't do anything that makes it so hard on me and makes me feel so bad for her.

And we do try to keep it out. Like i said ive gotten her to stop thinking about it. Now she says "its pointless to think about. the past is the past. that asshole is gone. I have you. and you're all i need" and thats how i told to her to see it. to be think of it as it being done and over with. but the last couple days its been bothering me more then it ever has
   
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Re: Can't stop thinking - October 27th 2011, 02:03 AM

Jeff, what is it about helplessness that is intolerable to you personally?


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Re: Can't stop thinking - October 27th 2011, 02:07 AM

i'm not sure. I just wish i couldve done something, anything to help her. to stop it from happening. no matter what the cost. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me and i'm absolutely in love with her but like i've told her if i couldve changed it so it never happened, even if it meant never meeting her, i wouldve.
   
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