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Heathen Offline
Beauty and Bedlam
Jeez, get a life!
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Name: Jordan
Age: 29
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Need closure over something - October 29th 2011, 06:43 AM

I am going to share something on here that I have never talked about to anyone on the site. I wanted to keep it a secret because I didn't want people looking at me differently, or to try and help me feel better about myself. Though it may not seem like it, I have often had a problem asking for help; I much prefer to do things on my own, even to the point that it is detrimental to me emotional health and well being. So here goes:

About seven months ago, I was forced to have sex against my will. It was with someone I had known for a long time, someone I was friends with and cared about deeply. They had always been so gentle with me this came as a bit of a shock, and for a while after it happened I was stunned and emotionally drained. I couldn't reconcile the fact that my trusted friend would violate me so horribly, when he was supposed to be there for me. It was very hard.

I was really confused for a while. I am still confused. At the time I made every excuse in the book, and I even blamed myself for it. I am part of the BDSM lifestyle, and I am into practicing consensual non-consent. This person was a "play partner" of mine, and we'd engaged in this practice before. I felt it was my fault that I was into that kind of thing, my fault I didn't make that boundary clearer, my fault I didn't use a safe word. I was ashamed, and confused. And in all honesty that hasn't changed.

I am very reluctant to call what happened "rape." First of all, I don't want to think of myself as a victim, and I don't want anyone else to, either. Secondly, I am not even sure it was. I mean, so many things came into play: we'd done consensual non consent before, he thought I'd enjoy it, he didn't mean to hurt me, but part of him did mean to hurt me, I didn't use the safe word so he didn't know to stop. It was so confusing, and part of me feels it will never get resolved.

When it happened, I didn't feel heard by the few people who knew about it (which was a total of three people, two of whom were therapists). I kept wanting someone to tell me it was rape, even though I was scared of the word, just so I could feel my feelings of violation and betrayal were valid. And while one therapist called it rape, the other therapist and a friend of mine (both of whom happened to be in BDSM), said it was just really an issue of misplaced boundaries. That in the future I should be clearer about when I don't want something. So it wasn't really rape. And that kind of pissed me off. I felt like my feelings were so minimized over the whole thing, and that almost no one was taking them seriously. I had felt violated and betrayed, dammit, and it didn't seem to matter. Partially, though, I wanted to minimize them, because I wanted to forget the whole thing. And as for the one person who DID validate them, it scared me. When she validated them, I began to stand up for him. So it was a scary, though place to be in.

Basically, within a couple of weeks, everything was glossed over. This person was one of my closest friends, and I didn't want to lose him. I also knew he felt TERRIBLE about what had happened, and he was seriously beating himself up. So I renewed our friendship by saying nothing like this can ever happen again. And he said okay.

But I feel cheated, and there is nothing I can do about it. I still think about what happened sometimes, even when I am with him. I still have a lot of feelings over this event, and I can't talk about them to anyone. I can't talk to my mom about it, I can't talk to my friend whom I told when it happened about it, and I DEFINITELY can't talk to him about it, because every time I try to he gets super depressed and withdrawn. I can't talk to anyone about it, except that one therapist. And even though she says it was rape, I still feel uncomfortable with that word, and I keep thinking in my head that maybe she just doesn't understand the situation, because she doesn't know anything about BDSM and he would never REALLY hurt me, would he? So I feel really stuck. It's not that I can't function or anything; most of the time I think I am over it. But then those memories will come back and I'll feel those feelings again and have no outlet to soother them with. Yes, I know I could journal about them, but it's not the same.

Basically, I want to know how to process these feelings on my own so I can work through this terrible event. I keep wanting to avoid the word "rape" and I think that is really holding me back, but I don't want to deal with that because I am still not sure that's what it was and I don't want to make too big a deal out of something that wasn't really that terrible. So I don't know what to do. How can I deal with all of this?

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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Jaguar Offline
I've been here a while
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Re: Need closure over something - October 30th 2011, 02:20 PM

That's a complicated situation, but I think I understand how you feel. The fact that you didn't use the safe word technically absolves him of responsibility but that doesn't change how you feel. Things got out of hand and you wanted to stop but he forced you, so as far as your feelings are concerned you were raped.

I don't think the technicalities have much to do with your emotions, and that's what you live with.

So what to do? I don't know you or him so it's hard to be accurate about this but I think it would be useful to forgive him for raping you (even if part of him didn't know he was doing it) and forgive yourself for not using the safe word and allowing yourself to be hurt. Sooner or later it's time to say yes, it happened and you felt these emotions and move on. Does it mean you won't feel it again, no. The experience is part of you and will always be. Heal the hurt and get on with life.

What just happened?
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amber88 Offline
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Re: Need closure over something - November 2nd 2011, 06:21 AM

hey guys, i was looking through this thread and i think i need someone to talk to. 2 nights ago i was really drunk, there was this guy where i was at and he was sober, one thing let ot another, he took advantage of me... rape.. i feel so disgusting, i cant stop thinking about it, i feel like a horrible person, i cant describe how disgusting i feel. im only 15 years old, and i need ot get over this, its all i've been thinking about. how am i ever going to let anyone in? im so afraid i'll see him again. im so afraid of getting pregnant, he used a condom but i was so paranoid i took the morning after pill, i wont get pregnant will i? pleas reply, im desperate. thankyou
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