Told my mom, scared of what'll happen now

[Agoraphobia♥]

Basically end of October, beginning of November, I told my mom that I was done taking the emotional abuse from my aunt and that she would do something or I would. Well since then we've been talking about arranging for me to go live with my dad. The only thing is with this situation it's a "damned if I do and damned if I don't" kind of thing.

If I stay here I have to deal with the abuse and honestly I don't know as I can handle anymore of it, after putting up with it since I was 8 or 9 years old I can't do it anymore, I can't continue to cry and then have to lie to my friends about why I relapsed or why there's a bruise on my arm or why I'm always crying.

But if I go then I'm leaving everything I've known for almost half of my life. Friends, boyfriend, school, my cat who I love. And all to be with the man who walked out on my mom and I shortly after I was born and didn't look back until I was 4 and he needed a flower girl for his wedding to a woman he later divorced, then he just left again until I was 14 and he decided to get to know me.

And I mean I'll actually be living in California if I move in with him (I actually live in Nevada unlike my profile says, don't ask) and a shy, pasty, fat girl isn't going to fit in at all. I am so shy I will not talk to anyone unless they talk to me first and even though it is very few words. Plus my mom is worried because she knows I have self-harmed before (she doesn't know that I recently relapsed) and my father has knives and guns pretty much all over his place but I reassure her I won't do it(mainly because I am not currently suicidal anymore plus I don't cut with knives, I use razor blades...). And I am very worried about my cat Thomas, my aunt is always threatening to kill him or other horrible stuff and I'm worried because if I leave to be with dad she'll blame herself and get all depressed and suicidal and might try to run her car into a building like she did when I was 7.

I'm just so scared because either way the decision I make will affect me for the rest of my life and I don't think I'm ready to make such a drastic decision but I have to. If I don't I'll be mad at myself for not getting out but if I do I miss all familiarity I've ever had and I'm all alone. I have serious trust issues from this abuse and at least here I have some friends who I can talk to, there I can't tell anyone about this because it took me 7 years just to tell the friends I have about everything and very few friends at that. I don't know how I'll manage with the only people who know my secrets and suffering miles and miles away from me.

[Complete Love.]

Hey,
This is a tuff decision you are going to have to make. Now that your mom knows did she do anything about it? For the moving part choose whats going to be best for you and if both are super bad then choose the least worst one. This is your life and noone elses so do whats best for you! just remember that no matter what decision you make you still got TH members to help you and give you support and advice. Don't look down on yourself, you are a special person whose loving, kind, and has something unique about yourself that no one else has! Keep your head high!