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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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cleostar09 Offline
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dating issues - March 23rd 2009, 11:59 PM

I have a dilema that I need to talk about. First of all, here is some history about me... I was almost raped when I was 13 and never told anyone but a few close friends. I recently overcame depression from what he did to me and I still have some issues from it.

I recently started dating again and it''s w/ a guy that I really like. We don't do anything sexual but I feel really uncomfromtable when he touches me in any way that I don't know about. Like, he'll come up from behind me and put his arm around me. Now, don't get me wrong... I LOVE when he holds me, just at certain times. He also doesn't know about wut happened and I really don't wanna tell him. But in order to get him to stop, i think i have to.

So my questions for people who have been through this are as follows

1. When is a good time to tell him? (we've only been dating for a week but i've known him for a year) I don't wanna tell him too soon and chase him off.

2. should I get a second opinion on things? I think I should talk to a counselor at school or my youth group leader...

3. How long has it taken you to trust again?

4. Should I just stop dating him till I feel OK again?


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Re: dating issues - March 24th 2009, 12:45 AM

Hey,
I did have the same problem as you but trust takes time and sometimes you will panic and it is hard to be close to someone.
If you've only been seeing him a week then give it a little time but in the mean while just see how you go and just let him know when you feel uncomfortable, he will respect you for the honesty.
It is hard to trust people again and it does take time, you just need to be patient the right guy will understand and as time goes on you will be able to tell this guy what happened in your past and why you find it so hard to be close to him at times.
I'm always here if you need a chat.
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Re: dating issues - March 24th 2009, 01:37 AM

Hey,

I know what you're going through right now. To be honest, it takes time to heal everything. I know it's probably annoying sometimes, especially when you feel for this boy, but with time things will get easier and better. The stronger the bond, I find, the easier being touched by them is.

I agree with Paige here. Though, you've been friends for a year, being his girlfriend is still new to you. You've only been dating a week, so this is all still new to you(the things that follow with dating someone). I would try giving it a little more time. Telling people about rape or any type of abuse is something difficult to do. If you're going to tell someone, you don't want to do it with doubt. Tell someone you trust completely. Things will work out better in the end. In the meantime, talk with him about what makes you uncomfortable. Communication is a key thing in relationships that are going to go anywhere serious. You should be able to talk to him and tell him what makes you uncomfortable. Tell him it's difficult to explain 'why' right now, but in time, you'll be able to explain it. Right now you just need him to trust and respect you. If he's your friend st the very least, he'll respect your wishes.

On the other hand, because you were friends with him before this relationship, you might still feel compelled to tell him. If you're very serious you feel comfortable in telling him, then only you know if you're ready. It will be scary, it isn't easy. But it can help a great deal on the road to recovery. If he's your friend, he'll support you instead of run. You know him better than we do. Unfortunately, that's all I can help you with involved when to tell him.

Telling your counselor or anyone that you trust that can help is a good thing. This is something awful big to burden on your shoulders alone and I think any opinions you can get will be helpful. If you think you can, go for it. It can't hurt to think a little more and be extra sure. :]

My trust isn't fully here yet. Mainly with men, I have huge trust issues-not to mention conversations go completely wrong. After a while, I begin to trust some boys a little more. It all depends on their first impressions sometimes.

Finally, only you will know when you're ok with dating again. It's ok to take your time. It's ok not to be certain. What I am certain about is you need to worry about yourself before you try and make someone else happy. If you can't handle this yet, that's ok. There isn't a set time for healing. You can try and open up a little more in time. If you find that you're not ready to date someone yet, then don't force yourself to continue the relationship because it can sometimes ruin what could happen in the future. I speak from experience. Move at your own pace and along the way, try to gt yourself some outside help. Maybe you can talk with a counselor or something. Sometimes that can help wonders.

I really hope this helped you. If you need anyone to talk to about anything at all, feel free to PM me :]. We're all here for you.

~Stay strong and have faith.


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Re: dating issues - March 25th 2009, 02:57 PM

Hey Annastesia,

Dating after a sexual assault can be very frightening. I would recommend that you take things slowly and wait until you are SURE you are ready before getting more physical. I would tell him about what happened to you when you think the time is right. However, I think it would be a good idea to let him know that you don't like to be approached from behind. Just gently let him know that it startles you and that you don't like it. It would also be a good idea to let him know that you want to take things slowly. That way you don't get any unwanted advances. Trust takes time to build. It is possible to trust again even after an experience like yours. Everyone is different and therefor everyone will take a different amount of time before they are able to build trust again. Try not to force anything. Waiting can be frustrating but you need to be patient with yourself. After all you when through something terrible and it will take time to heal. I would give your relationship a chance. However, if he really is making you feel uncomfortable and you really don't think you can handle a relationship right now then don't put the extra pressure on yourself. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship. Feel free to PM me anytime you want to talk. I am always here to listen.

Take care <3 Mimi



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