(GBLT) Backsliding and possibly ruining my relationship

[CommonChaos]

I was sexually abused between the ages of 12-13. I've been dating my current boyfriend for over two years (since I was 15, I'm 17 now).

I feel like I've lost whatever control I had over my life. My flashback nightmares of the rapes are getting close to every single night, and I just can't handle it. I feel like I'll never be able to get over this.

I seem to be at an all time low of how I handle the aftermath of what happened to me. When my boyfriend and I do anything sexual, I freeze up close to every time at this point. If I somehow manage to keep going, afterwards I feel completely disgusted with myself and humiliated- he doesn't know i feel that way though ..

Worse is when we're just together, though. There's not anywhere near as much joking or laughing as there was before. Practically the only thing I want to do is to curl up in my bed and just shut down. I can't be happy, I can't even pretend to be happy. Everything seems wrong, and the only thing I think is that I'm never going to get better.

I don't know how I can get across what I'm trying to say .. I feel alone, and afraid, and I don't know what to do anymore. I thought that I was getting better, but everything seems to be falling apart now .. and worst of all, i'm just pushing my boyfriend away, because I can't say a single word I typed here to him. I want him to understand but I can't talk to him because I'm so afraid of what he'll think of me.

Sorry for what is the equivalent of verbal vomit, but I just can't put this together properly right now.

[Mel14]

Hi,
I also have flashbacks when my boyfriend and I are getting intimate. However, I told him all about it and found out that he also had a similar experience to me, but has recovered. He's a lot more understanding when I tell him that I can't do anything at the moment. My best piece of advice is to tell your boyfriend because confession is one of the most helpful things you can do. It helps a tremendous amount. You have been with your boyfriend for two years and I think he'll be OK with it. No matter which way it goes you'll find out if he's really there for you or if you need to find somebody who is.
Best of wishes,
Megan