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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
My_Hero Offline
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I feel so stupid - December 10th 2011, 12:37 AM

I've been sexually abused in the past. And it got..uhm, pretty bad. Like as bad as it can get (I think).
I only ever talked to one friend about. Never bothered to get help or anything. I just can't bring myself to do that when I still live with the "abuser". And most of the time I don't even think about it, I'm totally and completely fine and it all seems like it was just a bad dream.

Anyway, the other day I was hanging out with my friend (the one who knows all this stuff). He was helping me with my broken computer, and we got into a light argument over something, and we have a physical relationship in the sense that he holds me down and tickles me all the time and we wrestle as I try to escape.
During our argument I tried to get up and leave to go home, and he pulled me back down (which isn't a big deal with us), and something in me just totally snapped when he grabbed my arm.
Every time I'd try to get up he'd grab me cuz I wasn't telling him the password to something (that's what our argument was about), he'd like, put his arm around me to hold me back, and at one point put me in a choke hold (not to hurt me, but we always goof off like that) and I just started bawling and screaming at him to get his hands off of me. I kept yelling at him to "stop fucking touching me" and then eventually just sat there crying and pathetically whimpering "please stop pleasepleaseplease".
I don't know what happened. I knew it was my best friend, a couple times he forced me to look him in the eye so he could tell me "It's me, Dan. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not your dad. You're okay." but I still just kept crying until he finally stopped touching me.

Just someone touching me, despite that someone being one of the people I trust most in this world, totally made me spazz out like a complete idiot.

Afterwords when we were just sitting there and I had given him the password, he just started laughing and was like, "you're so ridiculous." And I felt like such a moron. I really was being ridiculous.
Then he went on to tell me, "You need to talk to someone. You need to get help." which of course just annoyed me. I don't WANT to talk to anyone about it. I'm pretty good at convincing myself it never happened. Which is why I just don't get it.
All this abuse is a thing of the past and if it doesn't bother me on a regular basis why the hell did I just randomly freak out like that? When it was my own FRIEND. What is wrong with meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

We all need somebody to lean on <3
~I will survive, I will endure.
When the going's rough, you can be sure;
I'll tough it out, I won't give in. When I'm knocked down I'll get up again.
As long as my dream's alive, I Will Survive~
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sweetangel Offline
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Re: I feel so stupid - December 10th 2011, 11:32 PM

i think you should try to find a way to get help because otherwise u may never let your guard down with a guy. you should also talk to your guy friend and mabe find a way to explain how you feel. many people are like you and i knew one of them. she was a lot like you because of her uncle.. she had a hard time trusting anyone even her boyfriend and other good friends. when she talked about it to other family and friend and then confronted her uncle (with other friends and family) she became a whole new person.
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_sunsets64. Offline
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Re: I feel so stupid - December 11th 2011, 12:55 AM

it sounds like you might have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know it feels like it doesn't bother you all the time, but the memory of your abuse is hidden deep inside your subconscious and it's going to keep making you "spazz out" at uncontrollable times when you're not expecting it. this is something you need to confront, like sweetangel said, and you need to talk to someone about it. it may not feel like it most of the time, but if you don't get help for this, you'll be carrying it around for the rest of your life and you'll find that relationships are difficult, like sweetangel's friend. so you really should go talk to someone.
and you are NOT stupid for having an uncontrollable subconscious reaction to something so horrible as being raped by your father, no matter how many years ago it was or who triggered that reaction.

"Those 3 words are said too much, but not enough" <3
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. Never surrender."

PM/VM me if you ever need someone to talk to or just want to chat (:
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