help please....

[torturing_myself]

I was raped for over 8 years by one of my cousins who is only 2 years older than me and also for a year by my other cousin who is my age... I feel like Im just being stupid and that I'm making it up... I can't stand for anyone to touch me and when they do I jump and scream... I hate it everyone laughs and makes jokes about it. I feel like I should be mad at my cousins instead I'm mad at myself and I blame myself. I don't know how to get rid of the feeling of being guilty. I feel disgusted with myself and I feel dirty... I feel like i shouldnt be allowed to live anymore or breath or that I deserve anybody I. Feel like I dobt deserve love or friends or support through any of this, I guess I got that since i dont have any.... What do i do?? How am I suppose to feel?? How do I get through this?? Because of all of this I SH to get through the day and I feel like I'm never happy anymore and I constantly think about suicide and have tried it more than once... I'm sorry if none of this makes sense..

[Youth Pastor]

It all makes perfect sense actually. I can't relate to this but there are, sadly, a lot of people on here who can. You are far from alone when going through something like this. As more people start posting they'll probably say they've been through this and/or are going through the doubt, nightmares, etc. Find someone you can talk to about it. There are people on here who are willing to listen, myself included, if you need to talk it out just to have it out. That's a good first step. Don't ever feel like you're alone because you're not.

[aqha]

Hugs, that is a lot to deal with but you will make it through this. I am here to listen also so please if you need to talk with someone send me a message on here.

[snoogums]

It makes perfect sense to me. I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. I had a somewhat similar situation where my dad beat me for years. I have also been raped once before. In my personal opinion it is one of the worst things anyone would ever have to go through and no one ever should. Your cousins are very bad people for what they have done to you and you are not to blame in the least. You shouldn't have to deal with this alone You should find someone to talk to about this like a friend or a therapist maybe or even your parents? There has to be someone who will help and support you. what has been going on is just plain wrong and it needs to end. again I am so sorry for everything you have been going through if you ever need to talk to someone I am always there for you and feel free to pm me if you ever need.

[torturing_myself]

Ive tried talking to other people about it but the very next day they act as if I never told them... I have no one to talk to or who understands at home

[snoogums]

If people aren't listening to you then they are hurting you also . Have you ever tried standing up to your cousins and tell them to stop? Maybe tell them you will go to the police about it? Maybe actually going to the police about it would be a good idea? Rape is a very serious crime and needs to be taken seriously. There has to be someone who will help you because you can't let this keep happening it's just not right. I am sorry if I am not being helpful I really wish I could be there to help you myself. At the very least you always have me and everyone else here to talk to if you need and I hope everything works out well for you in the end. Take care.

[torturing_myself]

Whenever I stood up to them it'd get worse... I told the police but there wasnt enough evidence so they couldn't do anything... I moved to a different state to live with my dad so now its only when I go dow to visit my mom... Which I can handle

[snoogums]

I am glad that you are away from it for the most part then. I wish that it would never have to happen again because you shouldn't have to handle it even sometimes! The police should take this more seriously I am sorry that your experience with them hasn't been as helpful to you as mine was to me . if avoiding them is what works for you than I think you should stick to that. Even if it means not visiting for a while but that is just my opinion. Good luck with everything I hope you will be happy.

[Elmo]

Originally Posted by torturing_myself

Ive tried talking to other people about it but the very next day they act as if I never told them... I have no one to talk to or who understands at home

I can totally relate to this. Or they can't stand to listen to it anymore. Or they seem to just not care, yet you're still emotionally traumatized. Sometimes you just want to talk forever, and sometimes you don't want to talk at all.. not everyone will get that.

It's hard as hell. Try finding a support group. It's helped me.

[Iris. ♥]

What you wrote makes perfect sense. Please don't let yourself feel guilty for this. What your cousins did was wrong. But, it is not your fault in any way! You didn't ask for them to violate you. I've never been through a situation like this one, but I can imagine what you're feeling. You have every right to be scared and hurt by this. You definitely deserve to live though. You are a beautiful person who is worthy of so much love from others.

If you haven't told anyone about the situation, I strongly encourage you to do so. Carrying this weight around with you isn't healthy for you, and will cause a lot of stress in your life. It's a heavy burden to bear on your own, and you deserve someone to walk you through it all. Have you considered going to counseling? I know opening up to a stranger can be scary, but these people are trained professionals. They will be able to give you the tools to help you cope, get rid of the guilt, and move on from the harm that your cousin caused you.

Take care of yourself, please? Message me if you ever need someone to vent to! <3