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MsNobleEleanor Offline
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Unhappy Help Me - December 30th 2011, 12:07 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't know where this goes but it has a lot of triggering things to sexual, abuse, self-harm, etc.

I don't know where my life is going I keep messing up and I'm just lost and really sad. I'm always sad and depressed. How can I over come all of these things in my life that I have faced and are facing now? Like I can't do it anymore. I'll continuing on hurting myself.

I've never told anyone that I was raped by a guy I met online and he claimed he was a Christian and he pressured me into having sex, it hurt at first then it didn't. No use going to the police I don't know much about him, deleted him off facebook and Skype. I thought he was a nice guy. Guess not. I have to live with my actions now and deal with it. I'm hurting badly inside.

My father abused me while I was growing up, verbally abused me. Now, I'm struggling with it to this day. I don't live with my family moved out when I was 16 from almost killing myself. I spent a year in a group home and then in a homeless shelter and then on my own like that.

My father gave me these looks and looked at me weirdly. When I took showers he would come in the washroom and use the washroom. He stopped doing that when I was 14 or 15. I don't know if he had a sexual thing for me. I don't know if I was raped by him. Something inside of me says he did. I won't go to the police because I'm not spreading my family around I'll just hurt inside.

My whole life my mom ignored me. I would tell her good news and she wouldn't even care or listen. I would run up stairs and cry.

I never had a family who cared about me, they would yell at me and put me down. My father threatened to kill himself to not see me again. He threatened to kill me and himself while he was driving because my doctor told my father to take me to the hospital to get checked out because of my suicidal thoughts. My father screamed at the doctor.

I'm so lost and confused right now I don't know what to do. I want to cut open a vein and die. I'm so scared inside.

I don't understand why I seek out sex from people. I just think it's away to feel better.

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Katrina Offline
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Re: Help Me - December 30th 2011, 03:33 AM


It sounds like you have so, so much on your plate right now. I think that although this thread does cover a lot of topics -- self-harm, family, depression, to name a few -- it sounds like a lot of these different things you're going through are stemming, either directly or indirectly, from the verbal abuse from your father, the emotional abuse from your mother, and then the more recent encounter with this guy you met online. As such, I feel as though you're going to receive the most beneficial replies from our wonderful users who frequent the Rape and Abuse forum, so I'm going to move your thread there.

Algernon, yes, you have been through more than what one person should have to go through in their entire lifetime in your first twenty or so years (I'm assuming), but that also says that you have survived more than what the average person survives in their whole life...in twenty years. And that is absolutely remarkable. People HAVE had terrible, horrific pasts, survived them, and become highly functioning, highly successful, happy individuals. And to me, the fact that you're reaching out for help and exploring different options really shows that you are headed down that same path.

What area are you writing to us from, Algernon? I'm wondering if we might be able to find you a support group for survivors of these various kinds of abuse, or even a hotline you might be able to call that could direct you towards what your next step might be. I know I'm not being specific right now, but I just want to mention this because I want you to know that there ARE specific options -- and lots of them. You have a world of resources at your disposal, Algernon - let's find out how we can best help you help yourself.

I'm glad that you've removed this guy from your online life, Algernon, but I want you to know that no matter whether you remember who he is or have any information about him, there is help. It may not be in the form of reporting him necessarily, but this isn't your fault. While you, yes, will have to live with it, I think that it will slowly began to mold into something that loosely shapes how STRONG you are... not something that always encompasses and squishes you.

You mentioned that a lot of times, your mom would simply ignore you when you tried to give her good news, and I just certainly regret hearing that things were like that, for you. Why? Well, because to me, celebrating the small victories are SO important. And I think that searching for help on the internet and deciding to post about what you've been through here is CERTAINLY a victory; I hope you are very proud of yourself. However, its HARD to allow us to celebrate the victories when we've always had them thrown back in our face, in one way or another. I challenge you, Algernon, to set small goals for yourself, and to reward yourself as you accomplish them. You sound like a very determined individual, Algernon, and I know that setting goals and celebrating accomplishments can really do a lot in recovery.

To be honest with you, Algernon, I don't have the right words to advise you on what TO do. I think that's going to be a collaborative process between all of us here as we support you AND hopefully a team of medical professionals as they actually treat you. You certainly deserve the help. One thing I will say, though, is that you need to remove anything that you might use to harm yourself from easy-access. You don't need things like that tempting you while you're feeling low, you know?

I think you're right - it sometimes can be hard to pinpoint why we do certain things, but I think you're got the right idea in trying to get to the bottom of things, rather than only focusing on the thing itself, if that makes sense. That's another very important tool in recovery (trying to get a deeper meaning of what's bothering you and why things are happening the way they are), and I certainly hope that you benefit from it as much as people typically do.

I hope all the best for you. Please keep us posted on how you're doing, okay?

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