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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
gocougs Offline
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some advise, please - March 26th 2009, 09:42 PM

Hi, im new and was wondering if people might be able to give me some advise on a situation.


I have a guy friend who is 19 who has been hanging out with this girl who is 14. I am really concerned that the 14 yo is abusive and is hurting him emotionally. I have tried to talk to him and have even convinced some of his friends to talk to him and he never listens. the 14 yo has in the past year been abusive and controlling to other people and my 19 yo friend knows about this, but yet conitnues to defend her saying that he trusts her and when I or another of his friend tries to talk to him about how she can do the same things to him he defends her and says she wouldn't do that. Sounds confusing, yeah.

i am feeling frustrated cause he has stoped spending time with anyone who is not friends with this girl, except me. he tells me how she does things like convinced the friends of her ex boyfriend to stop talking to the ex simply because she doesnt want anyone else to spend time with the ex even if she is not around. this is really controlling!!

There are other things as well, but I am just concenred. He is going to college right now and refuses to make any new friends cause the 18 and 19 year old in his classes dont want to hang out with a 14 year old. He really doesnt even hang out with me anymore and him and I use to be best friends before she came along.

I know this might not sounds too much like abuse, but I am concerend that there is more going on than he is telling me. I have been trying to encourage him to at least hang out with other people besides her and her friends, i might add that her friends are all 14-16 year olds in high school and hes in college. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I might say to him to help him?

thanks, gocougs
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: some advise, please - March 26th 2009, 10:05 PM

ok first, its not that confusing if yew read it thoroughly. ok, make sure he doesnt think you're like jealous, and just try explaining to him that you're worried about him. ive heard of abusive relationships like this, but never an abusive girl, but hey, theres a first time for everything. the girl, she sounds a bit crazy to be quite honest. do you nkow her personally? and if theres a past with her, with ehr being abusive and what not, i think yew should definately talk to him about that, but calmly and rationally. make sure he nkows that you're here to help him.
hope this helped,
trixie
   
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Re: some advise, please - March 26th 2009, 10:33 PM

Hey there,

The thing about abuse is that abusers can be...stereotyped, in a way. The common stereotype is that abusers are men. And while it's true that a lot of people who abuse others are men, women can be abusive as well. Abuse isn't limited in race, class, or gender. The truth is that anyone can be abusive, young or old, male or female, but more cases where the man is abusive are reported than when it's the other way around. Statistics [and I can't find the link to where I read this but if I find it, I'll link to it here] have shown that men aren't as likely to report abuse. Sometimes this is because they'll feel embarrassed or humiliated, or because they're afraid they'll be seen as weak...but for whatever reason. Society has it that men are almost always the abusers so it can be harder to believe sometimes, it's the other way around; that a woman can abuse a man.

Anyway. Your friend might be blind to what's going on right now. When you care about someone, it's easy to overlook what's going on. However, just because he can't see what she's doing, doesn't mean it's not happening, if that makes sense? In which case you and a few of your friends should sit down with him and talk to him about what's going on. Don't let him leave the conversation until you're sure you've gotten through to him. The reason I say to speak to him with some friends instead of confronting him alone is that sometimes, it's easier to get through to someone when you aren't alone. He may me more likely to listen to what you're saying, and really listen to your words instead of just hearing your voice.

Next time you're around him when he's with her, put a small tape recorder in your pocket. Or, if you have an mp3 or iPod that records sound, put that in your pocket. Record what's said because, if she starts being abusive towards him, you'll have her voice on the recording. Play the recording for him so he can hear what it sounds like what she does this. Listening to her voice without actually seeing her face could be a way to get through to him. Personally, I tried this a few months ago with someone in my family and shared the recording with my mum, who agreed with me that the person I recorded, sounded a lot worse when we heard the recording. It's sort of like isolating the incident, if that makes sense? It can be easier to absorb what's been said later, rather than when it's actually being said.

He really should make other friends his age. I mean, yes, age is just a number but if he spends all his time around someone so much younger than him, the balance is going to be off, you know? Focus on getting him to see what's going on first though, I think. One thing at a time.

Let me know if you ever want to talk about anything, my PM box is always open. Take care of yourself.



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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: some advise, please - March 27th 2009, 05:44 AM

I can't say the 14 year old is abusive or not she could be. Or it could be the maturity difference. When your 14 your clingy and certain things are funny to you that once you grow up a little you realize it was mean or cruel rude or insencitive. I think he is too old for her. If you feel like it is a problem then you should probably sit down with him and voice all of your concerns in one sitting not just saying them in random conversation.

Five years is not a huge difference but she is discovering who she is and probably isn't going to be the same person in a couple years and will even change a few years after that. Teenagers can be melicous. I wouldn't comfront her because then you become the enemy which to her you already may be I don't know.

He does need to have friends his own age and she does need to understand that she doesn't get to be around him all the time. What I am saying is she is probably too young to understand that. When I was 14 me and my boyfriend (also 14) never thought we needed anyone else. Yes I know she still has her friends and that is because he is letting her pull him that way.

All you can do is talk to him try and convince him to make friends spend some time away from her. (Not break up or quit talking or anything) Just go out a night without her every once and a while. Its not good for any relationship if your around that person all the time. I hope it works out. Take Care.





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Re: some advise, please - March 27th 2009, 05:56 AM

thank you for responding. To answer some questions. yes i do know the 14 year old. the thing is that she cant stand me, in part cause i have called her on some of her, lets say, crap that she does. Part of the problem is that I am at school an hour away. I have tired to introduce the 19 year old to some of my friends who are 20, 22. but they really dont want to hangout with him because they know that the 14 year old has a history of making up "crap" about people that are over the age of 18 when she does not like then and getting people in trouble so my 20 and 22 year old friends are scared to hang out with the 19 year old. i think this might be the case with some mutual friends me and the 19 year old have who have stoped hanging out with him.

I will try and do the tape recrorder thing, but since she hates me, trust me the feeling is kinda of mutual, I really dont know how much time i will spend with her.

Thanks for the advices. I really have tried sitting down with him, but he only have one other friend who does not worship the growned the 14 year old walks on and that conversation did not go very well.

also, the jelousy this is kidna of an issue to since him and I had a "thing." we are in different places in our lives and I would be happy if he meet someone, i just think it should be someone his age who doesnt act like she acts, and trust me I know 12 year olds who think this 14 year old is immature.
   
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Re: some advise, please - March 27th 2009, 07:15 AM

It sounds like this 14yr old girl is a real piece of art who has learned the art of persuation on your friend. I wonder if she is blackmailing him into hanging out w/her. Does your friend realize that what he's doingwith this 14yr old girl is damaging his rep?? Once its damaged, its very hard to ever fix again. Ppl will end up treating him like a leper since he insists upon hanging around a young girl thats got a bad rep herself for causing trouble. Your friend better think twice, otherwise his life is not gonna be very pleasent. The idea's the other posters have suggested are very good. I hope they work for you. Good Luck


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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: some advise, please - March 27th 2009, 05:40 PM

Hey,

I am sorry to hear that this girl is causing so much trouble. Have you ever thought about confronting her about it? Asking her why she is acting this way and making her face up to her actions might help her to rethink her actions. However, I caution you with this because if she isn't the kind of person who listens to reason this could just make everything worse.

I also think that Sarah's idea of using a recording device to record her abusive behavior would be a great idea. Even though you dislike her if you hang out with her and catch her in the act it could really help your friend. I know you want to help your friend and sometimes you have to do things you don't enjoy because it is for the best.

When you confront him I might also give him some material to read on abusive relationships. If he takes some time to think about this relationship he might realize how unhealthy it is. Here is a link that might help him to really analyze his relationship with this girl: http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm

I wish you the best of luck on getting through to your friend. Remember that there is only so much you can do. In this case it is up to your friend to make the right decision and help himself. I think it is great you are trying to look out for him and make his life better. You seem like a really god friend. Take care of yourself. Tell us how things go with your friend.


Lots of love <3 Mimi



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Re: some advise, please - March 27th 2009, 06:38 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by soul View Post
Hey,

I am sorry to hear that this girl is causing so much trouble. Have you ever thought about confronting her about it? Asking her why she is acting this way and making her face up to her actions might help her to rethink her actions. However, I caution you with this because if she isn't the kind of person who listens to reason this could just make everything worse.

She is not the type of person who is going to listen. I am pretty sure she knows what she is doing and just doesnt care. Without going into detail she likes attention and she likes that my friend, the 19 year old, gives her attention. She has actually lost a lot of her friends cause of how she treates them. the only problem is that my friend doesnt stand up for himself and lets her treat him badly.

I also think that Sarah's idea of using a recording device to record her abusive behavior would be a great idea. Even though you dislike her if you hang out with her and catch her in the act it could really help your friend. I know you want to help your friend and sometimes you have to do things you don't enjoy because it is for the best.

Its a good idea except i am away at college and cant just go home all the time. Also, this girl has in the past started making up stuff and gotten another adult in trouble and so spending time with her kinda of scares me. I know she doesnt like me, so hanging out with her makes me feel like i am putting myself at risk.

When you confront him I might also give him some material to read on abusive relationships. If he takes some time to think about this relationship he might realize how unhealthy it is. Here is a link that might help him to really analyze his relationship with this girl:
Thank you so much for this. I think that i will start by sending this to the one other friend he has that doesnt worship the growned the girl walks on and try and point out whats going on and work with the other friend to see if the two fo us could do something.

I wish you the best of luck on getting through to your friend. Remember that there is only so much you can do. In this case it is up to your friend to make the right decision and help himself. I think it is great you are trying to look out for him and make his life better. You seem like a really god friend. Take care of yourself. Tell us how things go with your friend.
Thanks for the compliment. I do care about him. Hes a few years younger than me and I actually was in an abusive relationship so I can understand what he is going through. If something happens I will let you guys know, but I am scared that he is just refusing the listen to anyone. At the very least he leaves to go away to college in a few months and at least then he wont be around her anymore and then he might realise how bad she was. My concern is that if he thinks that her bahavior is okay then he wont actually get into a healthy relationship and that makes me sad.
   
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Re: some advise, please - March 27th 2009, 09:50 PM

Hopefully he will make some new friends at college and realize what a real friend is supposed to act like. Regardless of the fact that he is leaving I would still talk to him about the issue. He needs to know that he wasn't in a healthy relationship so he can learn what a healthy one is. Maybe try asking him why he still hangs out with her and why he defends her. He might be afraid to leave or he might think he doesn't deserve better. Or he could just be blind to what is going on and that is where you come in. Feel free to PM me anytime you want to talk. I hope everything goes well between you and your friend.


Lots of love <3 Mimi



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Re: some advise, please - March 28th 2009, 03:23 AM

he leaves for school in 6 months, thats a long time from now. I just hope that too much damage is not done in that 6 months. but thank you anyway. 8)
   
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