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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
smdied01 Offline
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new boyfriend (a little graphic) - January 9th 2012, 04:56 AM

Hey, my name is Shannon. I'm new here so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right. About 4 years ago, I saw an old boyfriend(lets say his name is will) who came back from Iraq. It was cool seeing him because we stayed friends. Well the day I saw him again, he invited me to come over and catch up that night after I got off work. We went to walmart and got some smirnoff (if you don't know - its an alcoholic drink). It takes a lot to get me drunk so smirnoff was nothing, just a relaxer. We put on a movie and he went upstairs to get glasses. He came back down with 2 drinks. I barely had half a glass and I passed out. I woke up and I was naked and he was inside me. Everthing seemed so blurred and I couldn't scream but I could feel it. I passed back out. I woke up again with my hand on his penis and I felt drool coming from my mouth. I woke up what seemed hours later and went home just feeling numb. I told my mom. She kept trying to talk to me, but I kept telling her it didn't bother me I was gone. She knew there was something but I never said another word because I assumed it didn't hurt me. I just kept telling myself its really my fault for going over there, and I really didn't feel it. You know forget it. But I found a boyfriend I really love this past year, and he tried touching me down there and my body tenses up, I freeze and I feel numb to the feeling. Does anyone know how I can began to trust someone making love to me again? How do I feel the pleasure again? I would appreciate the advice.
   
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Re: new boyfriend (a little graphic) - January 9th 2012, 01:30 PM

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I think that since you didn't talk about it besides with your mom that once, you've developed some sort of anxiety towards intimacy. I'm not a doctor so I can't really say much more but I think it'd be great for you to see a counselor about this tensing up. It might be a bit embarassing but I bet they'd have more answers than I would. I can only give from experience which is what I'll try to do here.

After I was in an abusive relationship, I got into another relationship just 2 months later. I didn't do ANYTHING sexual with him, besides kiss, because I was terrified. About 3 months into the relationship, we broke up. Then I got into a more serious relationship and after 4 or 5 months he started wanting to get more intimate. It was really scary but everytime we did, I kept my eyes on him. I had to keep reminding myself that I was safe and that this is supposed to be fun. Not scary. That I was in the here and now not the then and there (if that makes sense). Now, it's nothing to me. I still have my little setbacks and flashbacks but focusing and talking about my abuse has made me stronger and I've gotten much better.

I hope you find peace and you're able to do what you want.

-Brittany
   
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Re: new boyfriend (a little graphic) - January 11th 2012, 10:57 AM

I'm sorry. I can't imagine going through this. I just want to say a few things.

First, it's definitely not your fault. Not at all. Someone took advantage of you, that's all there is to it, and you shouldn't punish yourself by taking the blame. You also have to fully realize (as is probably now becoming clear to you) that though you may not have been able to feel much at the time, this event really did damage you. That's okay -- you can heal, but only after you acknowledge how you've been hurt. This is a big deal, and healing may not be as quick as you like. That's okay too. Be patient with yourself.

I second Brittany's advice that you see a counselor. I would also add that, if you and your boyfriend are emotionally close, you should tell him about this, and explain why touching down there bothers you. That feeling of tensing up is something you can get past, but it takes time. Just take getting physical with him extremely slow (which is usually a good idea anyway), and ask him to back off if you start freezing up. If he loves you, he will understand and be patient without any pressure.

with love,

Justin


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Re: new boyfriend (a little graphic) - January 11th 2012, 11:29 AM

I have to add on to what they said.. you said you don't get drunk that easily. But, you did that night. He was also out of sight when he got your drinks. Don't let that happen. At all. Unless, you're in a serious relationship with the guy and he is trustworthy. It kinda really sounds like the guy put the "Date-Rape Drug" in your drink. I believe that's what it's called. They slip it in your drink to get you really drunk and unconcious so they can rape you/do whatever. Never leave your drink unattended. Even if it's just around a friend. I'm really sorry this happened to you. I wish you all the best.. <3


--October 16th, 2011: The day I got a second chance, the day I decided my life is worth living... <3

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Re: new boyfriend (a little graphic) - January 11th 2012, 08:31 PM

This is so terrible that this had happened too you. If you haven't already I would suggest talking to somebody about what had happened, maybe go to a therapist. When I was six I was sexually abused by a babysitter and still today it bothers me to the point where I freeze and tense up whenever my boyfriend tries to touch me. Go see a counselor because they will change your life for the better. Stay Strong!


"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return. "
   
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Re: new boyfriend (a little graphic) - January 12th 2012, 06:16 AM

Agreed with Michelle that it seems pretty obvious you were drugged, the most common date-rape drug being GHB, a colorless and odorless depressant that dissolves in water and renders people unconscious.

And while I agree that all women should be vigilant about who has touched their drinks, I just want to repeat that the incident was not your fault. Date rape drugs are incredibly sneaky and the people who use them are evil. This is a case where someone betrayed your trust, against your will. You didn't ask for it, and you didn't deserve it.


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Re: new boyfriend (a little graphic) - January 17th 2012, 11:48 PM

i'm sorry this happened to you, but, if you find someone you love, i think telling him the situation will make you feel better, and he will know to be patient, and reassure you, and help you and be gentle, i wish you the very best!
Good luck and stay strong!


If you need anything, feel free to pm me!
Have an amazing day!
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