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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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abbya Offline
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How to love yourself after the fact - January 17th 2012, 12:03 AM

So I was abused when I was a kid by my father. But how to you love yourself again and have that empathy when you know that you did something to deserve being raped by him.

How do you regain respect for yourself and not let other people dictate your life? How do you learn to do what you would say to someone in your shoes? Or do you blame yourself and give up?


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Re: How to love yourself after the fact - January 17th 2012, 10:43 PM

Hey there,

Firstly; I'm so sorry to hear that you were abused as a child. It's a very hard thing to go through, especially when it's by someone you are supposed to trust. Honestly, giving up is not the answer. That's not going to get you anywhere. Sweetheart, you didn't do anything to deserve this. You deserve happiness and security. You need to work up some self-worth. You ARE worth more than this pain you're feeling.

I'm not going to lie and tell you I know exactly what you're feeling. Cause I don't. However, I was sexually abused more than once and I know how hard it is. I'm going to share with you what I did to get free from my abuser and how I am today. And I hope that it helps you even a little bit.

When I was abused, I blocked it out for over 5 years. I used SH as an outlet (I DO NOT SUGGEST THIS). The secrets all came out unexpectedly when I was 15, nearly 16, and I had a lot of explaining to do. Everyone had questions about what exactly happened and I was so confused on how to answer them. So I was sent to therapy and I've been in therapy ever since. I started talking more about what's happened to me, I became a poet, and I developed strategies to keep me distracted from my thoughts. I was even on medication for a bit but I've weened myself off of that. I feel so much better about myself and everything that's happened to me. I've never been able to see a future with myself; but now, I have goals, dreams, hopes, and I strive to succeed. I can see myself in the future.

I really hope that you look into some type of therapy and you're able to get healthy and happy. You are an amazing person, I hope you know that. Please, take care of yourself and know that I'm always here if you need someone.

Take care,
Brittany
   
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Re: How to love yourself after the fact - January 18th 2012, 04:17 PM

Abby,
Honey, I know no matter how many times you've heard it said what happened still hurts, but it isn't your fault. You said yourself that you were a kid. I was abused as a kid myself by my brother and then by a guy in my class. I always blamed myself for everything. I told myself that if I had just fought harder or not been such a little bitch I could've stopped it. After I finally told my story to a friend I met in treatment, she asked me this question: do you know any children who are the age you were when you got abused? And if they came to you and said that someone was doing that to them would you tell them it was their fault, that they deserved it? Would you expect them to know how to handle it? Of course I said no. Deep down I know all that and I think you do too. Loving yourself again can be hard. Loving anyone means accepting every part of them. You have to accept all of yourself. Accept the talents and the hopes. Accept the mistakes and the uncertainties. And accept the fear, the shame, the hurt that you have. For me that meant that I had to stop running from it. Stop pretending it wasn't there. And when those thoughts and feelings came up, I had to learn to be gentle with myself. I'm not yet at a point where I can say I love myself most days, but I have to remember, as do you, that love is an action. Treat yourself with respect and kindness. You deserve that.


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