A long time ago.

[unforgettable00]

Ive been reading about other peoples experiances with being drugged, raped, forced to do unwilling acts, etc. and majority of the time being unable to enjoy intimacy - My experiance of being defiled happened when I was 7 and it was a few months after moving back in with my mom, dad and little brother. My mom always worked late to just get us by since my dad spent his money to contribute on drugs, alcohol and unfortunately, hookers.
One night when my brother was sleeping over at my nanny's house, my dad came into my room and ya know. No need to go into details.
Im a heavy sleeper, and dont wake up to much. But this woke me up in that half awake half asleep state, in the middle of it all. So Im not sure if it was a dream or it actually happened - though im pretty convinced it happened. Although theres still a small part of me that still believes my daddy wouldnt do that.

As a result though, I became indifferent to all males, especially going into puberty. I developed 'daddy issues'. Ontop of the whole rape thing, my dad left my mom for a mentally disabled slut. He also left my mother with HIV.
Now, I have a step father, who is acceptable. He's been with us for almost 9 years now (their anniversary is my moms birthday, which also happens to be the day my dad left her.) the sad thing is, ive known Tony (the stepdad) for two years longer then my biological dad.
In result, Ive grown closer to Tony, unfortunately, unlike my younger brother who calls Tony 'Dad', I cant do it. Is that normal? Im still attached to the image of my dad before that night.

As I am growing into a young adult, Ive had my experiances with being intimate with males. It was always enjoyable, Ive never been nervous, or hesitant, (just the usual Virgin jitters)
Im very normal, so i think, I have a good, although sometimes weird, family. My grades are average, Ive had boyfriends, bestfriends, friends, disapointments, bumps in the road and flings.

It just seems that when it comes to anything sexual, Ive come to open myself up to that. The incident, in my experiance, effected more so the serious relationships. Making me emotionally more... emotional, and yet not. Does that make sense? Like im searching for something but cant really find it.

Is that normal?
Is anything dealing with the defiling of a child normal?

Just thought to post this, perhaps see what an outsider would say to this. Sorry for the long explaination. Kinda got carried away.

The just of it is: Im okay with sexual things. Im very trusting, while in majority of others who have been in similar situations arent. Maybe Ive moved on? Or maybe Im just ignorant of it for now.

[Le bonheur*]

I'm sorry you've been through so much but you seem like you're at a good place after everything that has happened. You don't have any symptoms of PTSD or anything like that (from what I read); which is great! Sometimes, some people just can't move on and have a longer road to recovery while other people can move on and be happy with relationships - sexually and emotionally. It's okay to move on.

[**Ordinary Day**]

Hey dear,

I think you really need to sit down with a therapist and talk about what happened. That's honestly the best thing to do in this situation. I'm not going to pretend you can ever "Get over" what happened because you really can't. It's impossible. The thing that victims have to do is to be okay with themselves. It's a long battle and you can't ignore it. I think that's what happened with you. You never accepted it. I promise things will get better. You sound like a hell of a fighter. Please talk to someone though.

Best of luck.
Jenn