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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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buttercup13 Offline
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Unhappy is there something wrong with me? - January 20th 2012, 04:54 PM

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When i was 10yrs old my stepdad began molesting me. He would come in when i was asleep while my mom was at work and touch me. The first few times i was scared but he'd tell me he loved me and how pretty i was and after awhile i started enjoying it except when he kiss me that always made me wanna puke and the time he raped me anally i didn't enjoy that. It continued til i was 13 when he tried to touch my sister and she told the cop at her school CPA took me away from my mom who didnt believe me and my sister (he would never do that he's too good a man, he took us in practical raised y'all and anyways i satisfy all his needs why would he want two little girls.. my moms words) in but in the end CPA dropped the case and did nothing to him. My mom is still married to him too. He doesn't try to mess with me anymore tho. When i think about it i feel disgusted and i feel disgusting for enjoying it. Also i seem to want to sleep with every Guy that says he loves me but the moment he's about to "put it in" i freak out. And i can't kiss anyone who recently brushed their teeth with white toothpaste because the smell reminds of my stepdad and i want to puke (i myself have to use the blue gel toothpaste). Is this normal or is there something wrong with me because i feel like there is?
   
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Re: is there something wrong with me? - January 20th 2012, 05:02 PM

i meant cps I'm on my phone and it kept auto correcting me
   
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Re: is there something wrong with me? - January 21st 2012, 11:28 AM

Your not disgusting and there is nothing wrong with you, except for some psychological damage which wasnt your fault! You said you were scared at first, but obviously he was able to manipulate you by making you feel special and pretty and wanted. He was much older and knew all the right things to say to make you think he was trustworthy and someone you could feel at ease with. As for 'freaking out' when getting intimate, its totally okay. You need to give yourself time to heal and keep reminding yourself that having sex with a boyfriend is entirely different. I hope this helped, Pm me anytime you need some help xx
   
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Re: is there something wrong with me? - January 21st 2012, 01:43 PM

Is there something wrong with you? It depends how you mean. You've been hurt, manipulated, taken advantage of, and that has left you wounded. So yes, there's something wrong with you in the same way there's something wrong with a person who has a broken bone. It's a serious thing, and it will take time to heal.

If you mean "am I some kind of freak for feeling the way I do?" the answer is: not at all. The way he manipulated you when he molested you, it's not really strange that you enjoyed it at the time. It's a story I've heard before. You were a child, children are confused easily by adults, and he took advantage of that.

As for the "freaking out", that's something that will take time to overcome. It's okay for now to not have sex. Someone who loves you will respect those boundaries and stick by you, even if they don't understand why those boundaries are there. In fact, you can sort of use that as a test: people who just want your body will move on when you deny them, whereas people who love you as a whole person will stick by you even if that kind of physical intimacy is off-limits.

In the mean time, I'd really suggest professional counseling, if that's possible. I say that because these people usually have a lot of experience helping people heal from sexual abuse.

Don't get discouraged, and don't let this wreck your self-esteem. None of this was your fault. You are not disgusting. You're a beautiful creature made in the image of God. You can heal from this.

with love,

Justin


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Re: is there something wrong with me? - January 21st 2012, 11:30 PM

Thanks y'all both made me feel a better


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Re: is there something wrong with me? - January 22nd 2012, 01:45 AM

Also i think I'm going to try to look into finding a good therapist next week if possible so hopefully that'll help *fingers crossed*


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