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buttercup13 Offline
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Unhappy is there something wrong with me? - January 20th 2012, 04:55 PM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

When i was 10yrs old my stepdad began molesting me. He would come in when i was asleep while my mom was at work and touch me. The first few times i was scared but he'd tell me he loved me and how pretty i was and after awhile i started enjoying it except when he kiss me that always made me wanna puke and the time he raped me anally i didn't enjoy that. It continued til i was 13 when he tried to touch my sister and she told the cop at her school CPS took me away from my mom who didnt believe me and my sister (he would never do that he's too good a man, he took us in practical raised y'all and anyways i satisfy all his needs why would he want two little girls.. my moms words) in but in the end CPS dropped the case and did nothing to him. My mom is still married to him too. He doesn't try to mess with me anymore tho. When i think about it i feel disgusted and i feel disgusting for enjoying it. Also i seem to want to sleep with every Guy that says he loves me but the moment he's about to "put it in" i freak out. And i can't kiss anyone who recently brushed their teeth with white toothpaste because the smell reminds of my stepdad and i want to puke (i myself have to use the blue gel toothpaste). Is this normal or is there something wrong with me because i feel like there is?
   
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Re: is there something wrong with me? - January 21st 2012, 06:45 PM

I wouldn't say that anything is wrong with you because of the way you feel. Your emotions are important and are nothing to be ashamed of. This is quite a serious topic. It must be difficult that your mom did not believe you and is still married to him.

Besides posting on this site, have you tried talking to anyone else? A close friend, other family member, doctor, anyone you trust besides this post? Talking about this may help you understand your learned instinct in regards to your sexuality and your reactions to intimacy.

Have you noticed anything else? Any other feelings that you are experiencing?

If you would like to talk, please feel free to contact me.


"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour."
William Blake - Auguries of Innocence
   
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Re: is there something wrong with me? - January 21st 2012, 11:01 PM

No i haven't really talked to anyone about it when i try to talk about it to my family i either get the ones that don't really believe because my stepdad "is such a nice guy" or i got the ones that tell me i need to pray and I've talked to a few of my bestfriends and they listen to me but i can tell it makes them feel uncomfortable/feel awkward so i just don't bring it up the only person i could really talk to about was this Guy i was dating that was raped when he was a boy but he committed suicide about 2yrs ago..
Cps mandated that i go to therapy my first therapist was more worried about my drinking, the second was really helping but she was only available during the day and i could only go in the evenings due to school so they assigned me to a third therapist who after 2 sessions told my caseworker i didn't need therapy.


We are all born for love. It is the principal of existence, and its only end.
   
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Re: is there something wrong with me? - January 21st 2012, 11:20 PM

I am very sorry to hear that. It must be difficult not to have someone close to you that you can talk to about this. Not to excuse the first therapist, and it maybe shouldn't have been the focus of the sessions, but alcohol is a depressant, and makes it more difficult to work through any problems.

I must admit confusion as to the third therapist however. Why did she feel that you did not need his/her services? Is it possible to find a counsellor yourself? You should be able to see someone. In Canada, you can book appointments with counsellors with no referral.

Does that help any?


"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour."
William Blake - Auguries of Innocence
   
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buttercup13 Offline
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Re: is there something wrong with me? - January 22nd 2012, 01:36 AM

I'm not sure what was up with the 3rd therapist. the first session we didnt talk about it all we just got to know each other the second session we talked about it i told everything that happened she commented on how calm i was (i spoke as if i was talking about the weather) and i told her gettin sad and crying wouldn't change anything. She told me i was very mature for my age (i was 14 at the time) and the next day my caseworker called and based on my therapist's recommendations i no longer needed therapy.

But now that I'm of legal age, i think i shall look into finding a good therapist.

Thanks.


We are all born for love. It is the principal of existence, and its only end.
   
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Re: is there something wrong with me? - January 22nd 2012, 01:46 AM

Makes no sense to me, but I guess that's why they don't pay me the big bucks. Please feel free to message me if you ever need to. My door (figuratively) is always open.


"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour."
William Blake - Auguries of Innocence
   
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