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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Adelaide Offline
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What even is this? Can someone help? - January 23rd 2012, 08:44 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi. I'm Addy. I'm rather new here, so bear with me. I'm trying to figure this stuff out.

When I was around 6 (I'm not sure exactly when, because i've literally blocked it out for so long) This all started. I was over at my friend's house. She suggested we play in the bath. We had done it before. It was fun. But this time we decided to take off our clothes. It was no big deal, right? I was six, she was seven or eight. I knew literally NOTHING about sex or anything, and didn't learn until i was about 11. And she knew EVERYTHING about it.

Well um, she came up with this game. Where one of us would lay on top of the other, and we'd grind up against each other. I didn't really like that idea, and I'm pretty sure i told her that, but she was really bossy and i think she made me anyway. I was scared of her, because for one, she was a lot bigger than me, and sencondly, i wanted her to like me and be my friend. I was afraid if i didn't do what she wanted, she wouldn't be my friend anymore.

So then she fingered me "up there." And I don't know if she made me do that to her or not.

This happened more than once. I'm not sure how many times, really.

I completely blocked it from my memory for years, and then one day around 2 years ago, she called me up. She confessed about it, and told me she was sorry. I didn't believe her at first, and it took me about another year to remember.

She is my best friend now. She has changed. She is so guilty about her past, and the things she did. I really did forgive her. It sounds weird, but i really can't hate her for it. Don't get me wrong, I HATE what she did. But i don't hate her.

Well here's the trouble. Lately, it's all I can think about. I flash back to one of those days in her bathroom or bedroom. I cry sometimes. Sometimes I start gagging. I can't get it out of my mind. My fear. Her hands on me, touching me.

I feel like a slut. Because i didn't really try to stop it.

I have been SHing for 5 years, and have major eating issues as well. These come from many things, but one of them is what happened years ago.

Now here's another odd facet of this. She's my best friend now. We never talk about what happened. I'm not scared of her. I don't even think of her when I think of those days years ago. I don't think about the face, just the body. She has changed so much. She feels so bad now. I'm not mad at her. It's like who she is now, and what she did then are two completely seperate things.

So I don't really know why i wrote this. I guess I was hoping someone could tell me what this would even be called? Was it abuse? I don't know. I certainly didn't consent to it. BTW, I am straight.

And i don't know what to do about the flashbacks, either.

I am considering telling my counselor about this, but my files at my counselor's are open for my parents to see. And i am NOT ready for them to know about this. They recently found out about my SH problem, and suicidal thoughts, and nearly had me sent to a mental institution. Let me repeat, I am NOT ready to tell them.

Two of my friend know about it, but they are both kind of leaving my friendship.

So i guess, it all comes down to.... help....?
   
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Re: What even is this? Can someone help? - January 24th 2012, 11:01 PM

Hey Addy,

Welcome to TeenHelp and thank you for posting here. It takes a lot of courage to open up to people and even more courage to tell us how you're actually feeling.

I'm sorry that this happened. I know you blocked it out for so long and said you've forgiven her, but it still seems like it effects you in one way or another. I just need you to know that it's not your fault. You are not a slut in any way. You didn't know better and you said it yourself, you were fearful.

Self-harm is not the answer. I know it may seem like that but there are other ways to deal with your emotions. I encourage you to take a look at the Alternatives thread. This list will give you some activities to do while you have urges to SH. However, please keep in mind that some of them won't work; others will. It's like a trial and error type of thing.

It's okay to forgive and talk to someone but I don't suggest you be 'best friends' with her until you talk with her about everything. It's about communication and you need to communicate with her about how you feel about what's happened in the past and what's going to happen in the future.

I also have to say that I'm glad you're in counseling. It's awesome that you're attempting to get help and I'm not sure what else to say. You need to communicate with people to get the help you need and deserve. If they are going to send you to an institution, it could be good for you. But I don't know you so I'm not 100%. But if it's suggested by more than one person, then it could benefit you.

I hope I helped a bit. I think it was abuse to a degree but it needs to be talked about. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. <3

Take care,
Brittany
   
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Re: What even is this? Can someone help? - January 29th 2012, 08:28 PM

I'm so sorry that this happened to you, Addy. Please understand that it was not your fault in any way - you were young and didn't know any better. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.

I'm glad that you were able to find it in your heart to forgive your friend. However, don't let the past go without talking about it. I'm sure both of you would like to leave it in the dust, but it's bound to come up eventually. Talk it over, be open, and allow yourselves to fully move on from the experience.

I'm so glad that you're seeing a counselor. Is there any way that you could ask them to withhold the information from your parents, at least for a while? You do need to talk to someone about this. It's not healthy for you to keep it bottled up, the way you are right now. It's just something to think about.

Take care!


wanderlust consumed her;
foreign hearts & exotic minds compelled her.
she had a gypsy soul
and a vibrant heart for the unknown.
-d. marie
   
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Re: What even is this? Can someone help? - January 29th 2012, 11:19 PM

It sounds like she herself may have been sexually abused. Sexual "play" amoung children is quite common, but what you described definitely wasn't fun for both parties. Children who sexually abuse other children have almost always been sexually abused themselves. You should probably phone her or something talk about it. Encourage her to talk about what happened and not to feel bad. Ask her if she knows why she did it.

Also, when you go to your councillor, ask if you could invoke the doctor patient privilege for a couple of sessions until you feel comfortable talking to your parents.


PS,

Quit hurting yourself. Eat Lindor chocolates instead. Chocolates release "happy" hormones which, you know, make you feel happy.
   
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Re: What even is this? Can someone help? - January 30th 2012, 12:38 AM

Ha. I'll try the chocolates.

As for not being best friends, ummmmm that ship has sailed. We've been friends for 11 years. She dramatically changed her life, and has helped me soooo much since with my struggles with SH.

As for why she did it, she said she just knew alot about all that stuff and wanted to try it.

And i have been trying not to SH. Trying reeeeaaaally hard. I've been going longer and longer without doing it. Just now I'm at 9 days, but I've gone almost a month three times. My goal is the rest of my life.

I'm going to my counselor tomorrow, and trying to figure out what I'll say.
   
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Re: What even is this? Can someone help? - February 6th 2012, 12:38 AM

Good for you. Keep us updated
   
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