Triggering (Abuse): Dirty

[x_sepi_x]

Okay im a little nervous about this thread :/ but ive decided im gonna be ''open''-ish about it, because there really isnt any other way to say it except as it is.. so here goes.. those who now me from before, know that when i was younger i got sexually abused by my cousin brother from the ages of 6 to 13 :/

I know this sounds awful but i don't know how it happened, when i was 12 i fell madly in love with this guy i knew -lets call him H.. he loved me too (supposedly at the time) we never did 'anything' except cuddling and kissing, i couldnt let him do anything else because everytime he touched me i'd just get horrible memories and images of the abuse came flooding back. H used to say to me what's wrong, why do you always cringe n shake when i try to hold you? n i said i can't tell you why.. he said whatever it is, you know im not gonna hurt you, i just wanna hold you n make you feel safe.. so i'd allow him to put his arms around me n just stand there and let me relax.. it took a lot of time to let him do that though :/ short we stayed strong till i was 16, then he decided we couldnt be together anymore so we ended it there..

cut a long story short, i went through bad depression last year, ended up in hospital for three months :/ been back 4 months now, and over the past few weeks ive been having bad dreams n flashbacks :/

Lastnight i had an awful dream, but it was soo mixed up i just can't make sense of it even now.. (this is the part where im gonna have to be open :/)
In my dream i feel happy n content, i dont know where i am except that the place is beautiful, me n H are laid on some yellowy green grass n the sun is shining all around us, the tempreture is perfect n i feel so content, happy secure.. H's arm is under n around me n im snuggled up next to his right side.. i feel so happy n light there's no one else about n it just feels so blissfull.. something ive never felt before.. then i kinda fall asleep there next to him n when i woke up he'd just finished havin intercourse with me, i didnt know he'd done this till i'd woken up :/ i felt a bit freaked at this point coz i knew that it was my first time havin sex but wasnt expecting it or him to do it while i was asleep.. then im in another place where there is a fence im climbing over it n getting over to the grassy side, there is a friend of mine there (i dont know who this girl is) and she says to me, you guys are so made for eachother (she's talking about me n H).. then im in a different place, im in a room where there is other people there (again i dont know who they are) and H is there but then it all drastically changes :/ H turns into the person i got abused by when i was younger and he rapes me he withdraws himself just before he ejaculates but he lets his bloody disgusting liquid come out all over me i feel absolutely disgusted but terrified coz i can't move

Sorry for this being so long.. I feel so disgusting, i can barely think straight.. why did i have this dream i dont understand.. H left me 2 years ago, n i haven't been abused since 5 years ago so why did this type of disgusting dream happen now? i just feel so disgusting.. my abuser had done that to me before when i was younger alot.. he'd make me do things to him n then let his gunk come out all over me.. aargh i feel like screaming it was absolutely disgusting, aargh it was disgusting dirty dirty disgusting, argh i can't take this.. i dont know what am supposed to do.. i feel like such a dirty bitch.. help me someone please

[Le bonheur*]

Hey there,

You wrote a lot so bare with me as I try to help you out. I'm going to reply to your post in paragraphs, as you did. I want to start off by saying that you are very brave for writing this all out like you did. It takes a lot of courage to open up and I'm proud of you for doing so. x

With that said, I'm sorry that you've gotten abused. Honestly, it's probably one of the worst things that any human being can go through while living. Being abused for over six years is a lot for one person to handle and it can take a toll on them both emotionally and mentally.

Honestly, it's normal for someone to 'close up' after being abused. It's a natural reaction of fear to push someone away when they get too close to them physically or sexually. It's normal to get flashbacks and memories. It's called triggers. They can be controlled, though with proper mind exercises (such as talking and writing about it, realizing that it isn't your fault, and finally; loving yourself). I also want to point out that you were and are right to take things at your own pace. You have to be 100% ready to be intimate and you are not ready (well from what I read in your post, it comes off to me that way).

You mentioned that you've went through bad depression and you've been in the hospital. I'm assuming that you've been diagnosed (correct me if I'm wrong) and if so, I hope you'd consider medication to help you sleep better. I've taken medication to help me sleep better - through the night and it actually blocked out nightmares from my head. So I either didn't have them or I don't remember. So I'd really recommend that. I'd also recommend therapy. I go to bi-weekly therapy and it's fairly inexpensive. It could be beneficial to you and your recovery.

I'm not too sure about how dreams work but I have studied them while in college. What I've learned is we dream of traumatic events and/or things that we are scared of... or are fond of. Sometimes, they get mixed up and I think I understand your dream. I could be completely wrong but I'm going to try to interpret it from my point of view. I think you are remembering how happy "H" made you. How he made you feel safe and secure and happy. How he was there for you. Then it turns into the fear... the fear that the abuse is going to repeat itself. You feel like you're not in control and that's where the abuse FROM "H" comes in. He could turn into the abuser; that's what your mind is saying. Because you don't want to let your guard down.

However, you can't let your dreams control you, sweets. You are much stronger than them. You deserve to be free of this abuse; physically-which is already done AND mentally. Which needs to be done. You're not disgusting and you don't deserve this. You deserve happiness and security.

I hope someday, you're able to find peace. If you ever need someone to talk to.. PM me. I'm here for you, alright?

Take care,
Brittany

[x_sepi_x]

Hi Brittany

Thankyou so much for taking the time out to read my awfully long thread and comment to it aswell.

Yeah i got taken into hospital diagnosed with clinical depression. Im currently on my 4rth antidepressant. Ive been on this one for 5months now n it's up n down. It hasn't made my mood all that great but it has stabilised it and stopped it from dropping really really low. The one bad thing about this medication is that it keeps me awake :/ but ive gotten into a bad habit of taking it at night/late evening. I dont know why but i just totally forget to take it in the morning and remember last thing when i go to bed. They won't prescribe me sleeping tablets with this medication for some reason.. I just don't know why but they won't :/
I do go for therapy. Ive been having counselling for nearly 3 years, but not really focused on the abuse just the depression n relationship sides of things. I also see community psychiatric nurse and a psychiatrist every week or so, however this isnt focused on the abuse either :/ I know it would help to have therapy on that topic as it is quite troubling. Im getting referred to adult services as ive turned 18 now and am gonna be having psychotherapy so it will be aimed at the affects of what happened in the past.

You're interpretation of my dream is spot-on. Im really terrified of future relationships. I guess at the time when H was around my feelings were totally messed up, i didnt know what i was doing. Butthe fact that he let me take control was something that scared me because my abuser did this when i was young. He'd ask me if i wanted him to stop and i would say yes and then he would say okay, as soon as i tried to move from that place he'd be straight at it again.it was like he was torturing me, physically and mentally screaming at me that no matter what happened i didnt have a choice. i had to go through what ever he wanted. I guess im now freaked by this and think that future relationships are going to be the same

I thought i'd dealt with this, i really thought i had. I haven't had a flashback or nightmare in a long time :/ don't know why it happened now

Thanks again for replying back to me it means a lot
xx