Does it ever stop?

[floppybunny]

k, its been 5 years since, you know, it happened. i've told my family, which is a weird situation, i was adopted by other family, and i see a therapist, too. but i still have nightmares a lot. and i have gotten better with some things, like the thought of a boyfriend doesn't horrify me as much as it used to, and i can be around boys without feeling like i'm going to completely freak out. but crowded places make me feel like i'm losing my mind.

and the thought of sex terrifies me so much. i've lost two boyfriends because of it. they weren't bad people, i guess just looking for different things. one was pretty mad cause i had done some stuff, but i wouldn't go that far, so he thought i was just leading him on or something. both relationships lasted only a few months, but it seemed like forever. in a good way, i mean.

the frustrating part is i would really like a boyfriend, you know? like someone to be really close to. and it's weird, i'm not gay, but the thought of sex with another girl seems more appealing than with a boy. i don't know, it feels like my head is going to explode sometimes, you know?

but its not just sex that freaks me out. like horror movies now make me feel like physically sick. like those friday the 13th and a nightmare on elm street. they just seem like the most horrible things ever made to me.

the only boy i feel even somewhat comfortable is my adoptive dad, but i think that's because they are three girls in the house and only one boy, so he's kinda outnumbered. plus it seems to make a difference with a guy lives with a girl who isn't, you know, romantically involved with him.

is anyone else like this? like its been 5 years and i'm still so messed up and i feel like i'm going insane some days. and i know what everyone says, that its not my fault. i've heard that a thousand times, but it still really does feel like its my fault. like i was so stupid. like i didn't do enough to stop it or even just run away.

are other people like this? does anyone feel like they can at least function in a normal relationship with, you know, normal "relations?" its to the point i absolutely hate my body. and every time i get my period, its like a punch in the face. i don't know how to describe it. its like a reminder that i'm just a weak little girl, you know? like i'm just something for boy' amusement. i know that sounds so stupid. sometimes i really want to just smack my head into a wall.

anyway, thanks for listening. sorry i babbled so long. and i'm new here, so sorry if i didn't set this thread up properly. there's a lot of things here, like post icons and tags and prefixes. i'm kinda lost. anyway, i'll shut up now.

bye.

[Isaiah_41:13]

Heya- I'll give you waht I got. I'll try at lest

I was raped as a little kid- when I was 11. I'm 17 now. That's what..6 years? yeah. anyways.

I have a boyfriend now- he's great. It is hard sometimes- when I first started dating him, it was incredibly hard. I do still get scared by horrer movies, but not as much as I used to. Sometimes, with my boyfriend, I can't even let him touch me. and sometimes, I want to be held by him. It all depends on the mood I'm in, I guess. He's really understanding- he knows waht i have been through. We haven't had sex- all we've really done is kissed, and that wasn't until I had been going out with him for almost 6 months.
I still feel like it is my fault sometimes- but I know that it is not. I really don't know any way to make it feel as if it is not- i think it is something that you have to convince yourself of and believe yourself. No one can make you beleive that. but I know that it takes time.
I do feel weak sometimes, but I know that God loves me, that I am loved, and if I do, I call/talk to a friend/sister, or talk to my boyfriend or my mom and dad.
If you ever need anything or just want to talk, feel free to PM me.

and idk if this will help at all, but I hope it does. if not, im sorry.

-Mar

[floppybunny]

thank you. that does actually make me feel a bit better. i'm sorry if i sounded whiny or something. its just when i get depressed enough that i need to talk, i just seem to get a little whiny.

im a little jealous that you have a great boyfriend who understands. maybe that's what i did wrong. i never told either of them what happened. i always had this fear that if like it didn't work out that they'd run around school telling people, or at least tell their friends. whichever, you know? i never really felt like i belonged or fit in with people at school anyway.

i really get the hold me tight/don't you touch me thing though. i have some pretty amazing parents who adopted me and a fantastic best friend who lives with us too. they are always willing with the hugs or the holds. like i said about my dad, he's the boy i'm most comfortable with. and if i'm feeling particularly scared or weak or whatever, that i just need to be held, he's the one i go to. i can feel like a little baby in his big arms.

but it happened to you at 11?! omg, i'm so sorry. i kinda wish i could give you a big hug right now. i had just turned 14. and it hurt so much at 14, like physically and emotionally. i can't imagine how it felt for you.

i guess i can give you some advice, but you don't seem to need cause you seem like you've already figured it out. the boyfriend that did some stuff with, like more than kissing, i was just stupid and thought that it was time i "acted like a big girl" or something, you know? but then once it was done, it was too late and i just hated myself for it. and i felt even worse when he broke up with me because i wouldn't go any further, or even do that stuff again. i guess i can just say make sure you go at your own pace, which you seem to already know.

now i kinda feel like a turtle, which i know sounds so dumb. its like i kinda hid in my safe little shell for so long that now i'm like starting to stick my head out a bit. i know, i know, i'm a dork.

and this sounds even dumber. i read your sig and sometimes i just think that like God forgot about me sometimes, you know? i know that's stupid, but it's like the "its not your fault" thing, like you know its not true, but it feels like it is true, you know?

sorry, i kind of babbled again. thank you so much for responding. it did help.

[Isaiah_41:13]

You are most welcome.

you didn't sound whiney, and I'm glad I could help.

If you get a boyfriend, maybe you should tell him? it makes it easier, I don't have to explain myself or why I am jumpy or get scared and stuff- he just already knows and it makes it a lot easier for me. I had known him for a long time before I started going out with him, and I trusted him already. I don't feel like I belong sometimes, (a lot of the time, really) but the people who love me, I fit in with just fine. there are many people who love me or who look up to me, so I'm all right with that.

I think that it is great that your parents are so awesome- and them and your best friend are there for you. My parents both have medical issues, and my sister has just moved out about a month ago- I have a friend who I call my sister living wtih us. when I need stuff, I go to them if i have no other choice, or to my boyfriend- or to God, or TH. It's really good that you are able to go to your dad like that. ) thats so so cool.

yeah, that happened to me at ll- if you like, I can message you about that, or you can message me. It's a rather complicated story, like most are. but it did suck. and thanks for the hug and, you can imagine it- you went through it also. It just was not very great for a long time.

you can give me any advice that you feel you should- I can always use it! I haven't figured it all out- I've just gotten used to the fact that I will never have it all figured out. sometimes its really hard- I've never really gotten over it. I'm working on that now, but it's really hard with my fammily situation the way it is. if you like, I can message you 'bout that. I believe in not having sex (unless it is against your will, e.g. rape) after marrige, and my boyfriend agrees with that. im really glad that he agrees, otherwise it would probobly suck.

no, I know what you mean- I feel like that a lot, and i think my sis does also. you're not a dork, I promise )

I know what you mean. I felt for the longest time that God didn;t care, or he forgot, or something of the sort. I know different now. I will send you something that you may like. Now I beleive more of that God gave everyone free will, and he cant make us do anything or not do anything, but he is there with us when bad things happen because of someone else (or our own) free will. and I know- sometimes I still striggle with feeling that way. It sucks.

don't be sorry for babbling- that's waht TH is for, talking to each other and getting help for stuff! and you are welcome, and awesome, glad I helped. Message me anytime you like, I love getting messages!!!

-Marlar (or Mar)

[makeupshadow]

Oh I was never raped but I had a terrible experience at the dentists office and the dentist was a man. Ever since I have not Toatally been the same. I'm not as afraid as I was back then but still, it can be terrifying when u have a older guy seeming a lil too friendly. Or having to sit next to a guy in class. It's made me stronger as a person, but also very protective of myself. I am terrified of sex too I just can't stand someone looking at me like that. But with a girl she has the same parts so it's a bit different. Who knows the beautiful thing that may come out of it is finding a wonderful girlfriend that I feel safe with ya know? So your not alone.