What can I even do?

[Ceres]

I've always thought my family was just dysfunctional (isn't everyone's?) But lately I've been thinking its more than usual. I've always wondered if the level of abuse I faced as a child and a teen was "normal" or over the line. As I've gotten older and as my mind has changed, I think it's definitely over the line...I want my brother to suffer so badly for the things he did to me...My mom is gone somewhere with her friends until monday she said, I don't know what to do.

Honestly, the only reason I'm writing this is because I have that feeling in my chest I can't get rid of, like someone poured ice cold liquid over my heart. I was making food in the kitchen and was hit because I "made too much and was wasting food". I think my step dad was high again but I can't even tell anymore. I said I was going to eat it all and I was hungry, and my step dad told me whats the point, it's just going through "my worthless ass anyways". We got into a big yelling match with ended with him hitting me again, this time in the face and hard enough to knock me down. I ran to the park and cried there for a few hours before it got dark and I had to go back home. HOURS later and he's still mad about it!!! Even when I ran up to my room the second I came in the door, I heard him yelling the C word at me and how I always hide in my room. I have really bad thoughts, I want to kill him horribly sometimes...I only have a swollen lip and it's only bleeding if I touch my finger to my gums, is that even serious enough to call the police over? I doubt I even could. I'd just get it worse when they left.. It's a lot more mental that physical... I dont even know what to do. I just feel trapped. I've been free of suicidal thoughts for about a few months now, but they all came rushing back.

I love my mom so much because she is the only one who protects me from everything. She knows what go's on, and what physical and sexual abuse happened in the past, but chooses to ignore it. We've cried a few times over it, she's told me how is she supposed to choose one person she loves over another? And how is she supposed to choose one child over another? I think it means she doesn't love me as much as them...

I wish I could run away, but I know I wouldn't survive on my own...I hardly even want to anymore. I feel trapped. Help? Please?

[Megan1]

You definitely need to call child protective services or the police! If you are a minor, the police can do something about any amount of abuse that leaves a mark/cut/bruise on you. I mean, there have been parents who got arrested for just spanking their kids too hard and leaving a little bruise. They weren't even meaning to do anything wrong and they still got arrested, so I'm almost positive the police could do something about your step dad giving you a swollen/bloody lip.

When it comes to abuse, your mom NEEDS to choose you over them. It wouldn't mean that she loves you more or doesn't love them, it would just mean that she is protecting you because they are doing something wrong. I understad wanting to put your husband first, and I understand not wanting to favor your kids...but that doesn't mean that you let one of your children be abused. Your brother and step dad brought this upon themselves and they need to be in jail!

If you go to the police with everything that has happened, they will find you somewhere safe to live.

[Total Light Storm]

Hi,

Megan1 said it well.
It doesn't matter who abused you or have anything to do with favoritism. One of the jobs of a parent is to protect their children why they are under their care and your mom worrying about favoring you over your brother or her husband over your safety is not right.
Both of them did/do things that they definitely should not have done and that are abuse.
Getting CPS and the police involved would be a great idea.
They will both get punishment and be held accountable for their actions towards you.
Yes contacting the police and CPS may be a scary situation but it will be for your benefit and safety which is the most important thing. Even if you feel bad for getting your brother and dad arrested, it is all for a good thing, they will be away from you and you will be able to hopefully move on from your past without the abuse going on.
I hope this helps and you can send me a message if you ever need anything or just want to chat.