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kitkat kati Offline
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Unhappy did the right thing but still scarred. - February 2nd 2012, 08:26 PM

the very first guy i was ever technically with tried to get into my pants on the first date...

he was from tennessee and i met him online. he was 17, i was 15. he came up here to visit and stayed in a hotel, but i dont know what one. we met up at a mall and hung out. he would kiss my forehead and cheeks and nose and sometimes neck but would always avoid actually kissing me. he'd wrap his arms around my waist from behind me and make me sit in his lap, put his arm around my shoulders, hold me close, and all that other great stuff. we had a good time at first.

when the mall was close to being closed i walked him to his car. i was leaning against the car and he stood close and in front of me. his hands were at my waist and he started kissing my neck, still avoiding my lips. he started making sure that he hit all of my soft spots/turn on spots/weak spots. he started telling me how much he wanted me and opened the door to the back seat. i let myself in, thinking it was just going to be kissing, but made sure the door on the other side was unlocked as well. i told him that i didnt want to go too far, but he didnt listen.

he let his hands travel up my shirt and started scratching into my skin and feeling all around. his legs were on either side of me and i could tell that he was hard. his hands traveled back down and he started to try to unbutton my pants. i moved his hands away and said no again. but he went after it again. i kept telling him i didnt want to and he asked me if i truely liked him. i told him yes. then he asked me "if you truely like me then why dont you prove it baby?" i told him i wasnt ready to do this but he kept pushing for it and trying to convince me. i kept saying no and after a few minutes i pushed him off of me.

after i pushed him off he put his hands on my knees and gave me an evil smile. he slowly started to move towards me and i was already scared and pissed off enough because he wouldnt listen. i noticed his legs were still spread, so i kicked him in the groin as hard as i could and opened the door behind me, running away from the car.

i ran crying and hid in the mall till it closed. a while after the mall closed and making sure i didnt show any evidence of crying, my mom picked me up and took me home. she thought i was there to hang out with some friends and still doesnt know about this to this day.

about 3 days later he contacted me on facebook and told me he was back in tennessee and that his groin still hurt. he had a doctors appointment the next day. i ignored it and didnt answer him. i wanted to see what i did to him so i didnt delete him from my friends or block him yet. the next day he told me that i kicked him very very hard and left permanent damage. i kicked so hard that he cant have kids now. i told him that i did well then and that i never wanted to speak to him again. we fought and then deleted and blocked each other. i havent spoken a word to him since. im glad i didnt tell him my last name or where i lived or anything. but even though i did the right thing, im still scarred.

even though i gave him permanent physical damage, he gave me permanent mental and emotional damage. i cant trust anyone, boy or girl, anymore about this kind of thing. im ok with kissing... but even just their hand laying on my stomach under my shirt brings back flashbacks and scares the shit out of me. i have major trust issues because of him... i even made it a rule that after a month and a half its ok for them to put their hands on me but everything stays above the waist... and if the relationship lasts long enough... its gotta be a year to a year and a half before they can take my virginity away from me. the only thing is... that every relationship i've been in so far has only lasted up to two months... either they got tired of trying to make plans with me and something getting in the way... i wasnt happy in the relationship... or we were just better off as friends. but thats ok... just gives me more time to find the right person.

another thing that he left me scarred with.. is nightmares... i have nightmares all the time... about many many different things. but sometimes i have this nightmare... its always the same...
this dark figure... he'd handcuff me to the bed frame, me crying heavily and duct tape over my mouth. he has a knife to my throat and another in the other hand. he would take the knife in the other hand and cut my shirt up the middle and on the sleeves, taking it off my body. then he would work on the bra. cutting the straps and the middle of it and remove it. then the knife he used to cut my clothing is lightly dragged across my skin, making me squirm beneath him. eventually he would start biting and sucking on my neck, grinding against me, but being careful not to cut my neck. as he is biting and sucking on my neck he'd take the blade and cut into my sides and stomach, enough for me to bleed but not enough for me to die from blood loss, causing me to scream in pain. he ends up doing the same all up my arms too... sometimes he would go to some of the bleeding wounds and gently lick and clean it, making me cry even harder from the pain. soon after i'd look down at him and see him taking off his pants, knowing what hes going to do next. i start shaking my head no and closing my eyes, not wanting to accept the fact this is happening. he would then take off my pants, leaving me in my underwear and carefully press the side of the blade against me... then take the tip and drag it along my pant-line, digging it in enough to leave a long, large cut. he'd then cut my underwear off and strip himself down to nothing as well. soon enough he would start raping me... id be crying and screaming for help the entire time but no one comes to save me. nothing but pain, helplessness, and fear, filling my body. he eventually finishes off and cuts large, deep, deathly cuts into my legs, and leaves. letting me stay there, bleeding to death. the minute the door he leaves closes is when i wake up.

the dream isnt the worst part thought. its waking up and shaking in fear, crying your eyes out. for me... my nightmares arent normal... when i wake up... i can feel everything i felt in the dream... the pain... the fear... the cold blade cutting into my skin... everything. thats the worst part of all of it... feeling everything just minutes after the dream is over...

so i did the right thing... but i was left scarred for the rest of my life... i try to forget about what happened but i never fully do... i dont know how im supposed to cope with this... i dont know how to leave it in my past and just stop letting it effect me... please... i need some suggestions...
   
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Re: did the right thing but still scarred. - February 3rd 2012, 02:36 AM

I think you really need to tell someone. Holding it in is most likely making the anxiety worse. If you can express it verbally and not keep it bottled up inside, it's probably going to help a lot. You should tell your mom if she's someone who is understanding and who you trust.

Also, you absolutely did the right thing by saying no and by kicking him like that. You had to or he would have raped you, I'm almost sure of it. Stay far away from him.

I am praying for you. <3
   
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Re: did the right thing but still scarred. - February 3rd 2012, 03:21 AM

you did the right thing, even though it was hard. and it is gunna suck:/. caqn you tell anyone friend sibling parent someone. even if you dont verbally tell them but go in the other room and write it down and give it to them, or show them this. what he did was wrong, and he deserves what ever he gets. i obvs dont know you but you seem like a strong independent woman,and i know you can do this.


even a fake smile releases endorphin's

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Re: did the right thing but still scarred. - February 4th 2012, 03:21 PM

other than on here, only 2 people know. theyre both my friends. they comforted me when i told them... but whenever i talk to them in the middle of the night becuase i had another nightmare about it they just tell me to talk to them in the morning cause they are sleeping and whatnot... and then i go to talk to them in the morning and they just blow it off. its like they dont even care. they have no idea how scary it was and how this has been effecting me.... ive told them everything... but now i just stop talking to them about it... i wont tell my mom. ive gone to her for many other things and she has never cared. i refuse to go to a counselor or therapist. all they do is piss me off and make my mood worse. i have no one to go to about anything anymore.... this site is probably the only thing i have left.....
   
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Re: did the right thing but still scarred. - February 8th 2012, 03:30 PM

also... i showed two other friends this over the past weekend.... they saw how long it was but didnt want to read it because of its length... almost all of my friends are lazy and dont want to read things that are very long like this..... i dont know what to do... i cant verbally say it cause every time i go to i choke and cant get it out.... i show this to someone and they dont want to read it.... i cant go to my mom cause she will just call me a dumbass and just not care.... i dont trust my friends parents enough to tell them and they would just tell my mom.... i cant go to a counselor at school cause it will go back to my mom as well.... i cant go to anyone anymore..... this site really is all that i have left.....
   
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Re: did the right thing but still scarred. - February 11th 2012, 03:09 AM

You have to tell someone because it will make you feel worse and worse.....I should know, something kind of like that happened to me but it didnt involve me being in a relationsihp like that....your mom should be pretty understanding tho she also mite be a little mad cause it was from online but she loves you.......if you ask the counsler first @ ur skewl to keep it confidential then show him/her this paragraph (which you should prob print out) GL
-someone harassed by a classmate
   
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